Make the Connection

Teachers and parents both want the best for their children, but sometimes they go about it differently, and that can create misunderstandings and conflict. Here are some tips to help avoid this.

REMEMBER THAT PARENTS LOVE THEIR KIDS; BE RESPECTFUL

Parents love their children deeply, even if some don’t show it in the form of good parenting. Hearing criticism of someone you love deeply from someone you barely know can be extremely hurtful and unpleasant. The natural reaction is to fight back. Parents have an extraordinarily well-developed ability to take criticism of their child personally. When dealing with difficult situations or really difficult parents, I often began the conversation by asking for their help in supporting their child to do their best at school. At all times be respectful. It will be hugely appreciated and make your life much easier.

NOT ALL PARENTS ARE THE SAME

Many parents have wonderful memories of school life and returning as a parent is seen very positively. These people view the school as a wonderful opportunity for their own child and are looking forward to being involved. Others had quite negative educational experiences and have a deep mistrust of authority figures. These people are quite anxious when they enter the school and are ready to defend their children. Smile when meeting them, thank them for coming and reassure them that you are both on the same side in wanting the best for their child. Be careful to avoid any comments that may be misconstrued as you not liking their child or making judgments about them as a family.

AVOID DOING BATTLE

Listen and seek to understand. Taking the time to really listen to parents is crucial in building a successful working partnership. Let them tell their story, take notes, ask clarifying questions but do not be in a hurry to solve the issue or defend those involved. Parents need to know that they’ve had the opportunity to tell their story and will appreciate the fact that you listened. Finish with: “Is there anything else you think I should know?” Taking notes is important. It’s surprising how often you will find yourself referring back to these notes and how helpful this will be.

Meeting in person is often more beneficial, and if it’s a phone conversation and the parent is getting overly worked up, try to end the conversation diplomatically, offering to meet them in person instead. Having an assistant principal or classroom teacher with you during the meeting is beneficial. Finally, you don’t need to provide answers or solutions at the first meeting or conversation.

Buy some time to do some research, speak to staff and prepare a comprehensive response. Focusing on the future will help make it a win-win situation for you. Follow up on any commitments made.

BE SEEN AND WELCOMING

As a primary principal, taking the time to be seen and develop relationships with parents can be incredibly powerful. Get out into the yard in the mornings, when so many children are being brought in by their parents, and as well as at the end of the day, when they are being picked up by those same parents. This time provides a great opportunity to smile, chat and establish positive relationships without the presence of an issue to resolve. In my school, I invited parents into the staffroom for a cuppa once their children had gone to class. It quickly became a morning ritual, and it wasn’t uncommon for there to be more than 20 parents in the staffroom. Lifelong friendships were formed and, most importantly, these parents developed a deep connection and loyalty to the school.

EMAIL COMMUNICATIONS

After receiving an email from parents, I always replied that day. Not responding in a reasonable time builds frustration and anger, which can only be harmful in getting the outcomes we want. If the email is anything beyond a simple request, it always makes sense to avoid a detailed email interchange and request a face-to-face meeting. I have found that it is reasonably easy to misconstrue tone and meaning via email, which heightens fears and emotions. Therefore, if it is an important matter, phone to discuss or organise a face-to-face meeting if required.

STAFF / PARENT COMMUNICATION PROTOCOLS

It shouldn’t be surprising that a parent gets upset when at 8pm their child tells them they have a major piece of homework due the following morning and it is a long way from being done. My teachers used regular area newsletters and diary entries to ensure that parents were not surprised by school requests or requirements. Some posted assignments or events online that were easily accessible to both students and parents. Complete clarity around expectations is highly beneficial and there are few things that can hurt a teacher’s reputation more than being seen to be unprepared and disorganised. Besides this, parents should know what their child is studying, and students should have a clear understanding of what they will be learning.

INVOLVE PARENTS IN THEIR CHILDREN’S EDUCATION

Great teachers welcome parent support and curiosity. I’ve lost track of how many wonderfully positive conversations I’ve had with parents about what our students are learning and doing in their classes. Often, those conversations morph into some other matter about the child. Sometimes, parents ask what they can do to help their child succeed – and it’s crucial that you lay out a strategy involving their direct action. Enlist their help as another coach, not as a replacement teacher.

SHARE GOOD NEWS

Parents rarely receive a positive call home. I encouraged my teachers to occasionally call parents and share good news about their child. Similarly, a nice note in the diary was always well received and helped strengthen the home-school partnership. (You’ll know from your experiences of calling home that the initial response is real parent nervousness, as if a student had done something wrong.) They are even more relieved, and proud when it’s good news or a positive comment. These calls let parents know that teachers care as much about recognising success and improvement as they do about spotting any struggles and weaknesses. They also reassure parents that teachers are not out to make life more difficult for their child, that they are fair in their assessments and feedback and that schools genuinely want to see students succeed. The newsletter and school assemblies also give us great opportunities to celebrate achievement publicly.

PARTICIPATE IN AFTER-SCHOOL ACTIVITIES

It is a wonderful demonstration of dedication and pride in the workplace when staff attend out-of-school activities. It could be as a spectator at a kids’ sporting event or at school fundraising events, etc. Parents seeing staff at these functions and getting to see them as regular people enjoying their community involvement strengthens the relationship enormously.

PROFESSIONAL LEARNING FOR STAFF

It’s easy to assume our staff will be as comfortable and skillful in dealing with parents as they are in dealing their children. In truth, however, many lack skill in this area and need some time taken to further develop their insights, attitudes and practices is time well spent.  Little things such as beginning with a smile and a handshake and making the parent feel welcome are important to the parent but may not be obvious to the teacher. Some time spent planning for things such as seating arrangements (not facing each other over a desk), knowing their first name in advance, etc. can all help make the experience more successful.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Despite the positivity of the above, there will be occasions where school leaders will have to get to the “bottom line” of a situation. For me, the bottom line pretty much always came when we were nearing suspension territory. Absolute clarity is essential in these situations, so the message was short and to the point.

For example: “We’ll do everything we can to support you and to help Billy, but I need you to be absolutely clear, should Billy hurt anyone else at this school I guarantee he will be suspended first and then we’ll begin to work through the process again. Violent behaviour will not be tolerated.” At some point for a limited number of families, the bottom line is a must-have conversation.

This conversation takes place in the context of no negotiation, and this would also be made clear. For example: “This is not a negotiation. I commit to giving you the opportunity to tell me your story, but once that has happened, I’ll review everything, and I will make the final decision. This will not be a negotiated outcome.” Finally, I always remembered my principal in my first year of teaching warning me, “Everyone wants more discipline for every child in the school … except their own.” Remember to be sensitive to the feelings of the loving parent and you’ll be much better placed to get the outcomes you need.

Mark Arkinstall was a teacher for 38 years, including 16 as a primary school principal. Following his retirement from the Department , he worked as Industrial officer with the APF retiring on 29 January 2024.