Counsellor's Corner

Supporting adolescents bereaved by suicide

The experience of losing a family member or friend to suicide can be particularly difficult during teenage years. While a young person may be yearning for independence, after a suicide they may also experience a conflicting need for support from those close to them.

Adolescence is a complex stage of life encompassing many changes and growth, both physically and psychologically. This is a time when young people begin to develop a sense of personal identity which involves questioning who they are, their values and their goals for the future. Supporting adolescents bereaved by suicide can be particularly difficult.

Supporting adolescents: Common experiences after a suicide

The experience of losing a family member or friend to suicide can be particularly difficult during teenage years. It is important to be aware of any cues that they are not coping, or signs of risky behaviour. While a young person may be yearning for independence, after a suicide they may also experience a conflicting need for support from those close to them.

These experiences of confusion and isolation can manifest in a number of behaviours such as:

a lack of interest in school or academic work
disruptive behaviour in class
skipping classes
a lack of interest in activities which were meaningful to them
chronic low mood
preoccupation with death
a need to find meaning through religion or spirituality
sleeping difficulties.

Anger is a normal reaction to grief, and an expression of feelings or abandonment or blame. Be willing to listen and let the teenager know that these are normal feelings.

Risky behaviours

Supporting adolescents that may be engaging in risk-taking behaviour:

drug and alcohol consumption
self-harm
unprotected sexual intercourse
fighting
suicidal behaviour.

If you notice any of these behaviours it is important to seek support for both yourself and the adolescent.

Take all cues and threats of self-harm or suicide seriously and ask the adolescent directly about whether they are considering suicide. It is a myth that talking about suicide will put the idea in their heads, and most adolescents experience a sense of relief in being able to talk about these difficult feelings.

For further information about what questions to ask someone you think may be suicidal, see our How to talk to somebody about suicide page or contact a telephone counselling service.

Talking to young people about suicide

It is important to open up the lines of communication so that the adolescent can talk about how they are feeling about the suicide.

Here are some tips to help you talk to an adolescent about a death by suicide:

Think about spaces or places where you and the young person feel most comfortable talking. Some people find it helpful to talk while going for a drive or a walk
Listen without judgment
Be honest and upfront about the nature of the death. Adolescents generally have a good idea about what suicide means as it is frequently mentioned in music, on TV and in schools
Be patient and willing to talk to the young person when they are ready
Avoid simplistic sayings such as “you’ll be fine” and “cheer up,” as these can be hurtful for the adolescent and interfere with their grieving process
Avoid criticising the adolescent
Prepare them for other people’s reactions at school.

Finding someone to talk to after the death

It is important that the young person finds someone who they trust and can talk to, whether it is a family friend, sporting coach, GP or teacher.

It may be helpful to provide the adolescent with youth-specific resources or contact numbers such as Kids Helpline – 1800 55 1800 or headspace.

You may want to discuss arranging some counselling face-to-face with either the school counsellor, a community-based service or local headspace service.

The funeral/memorial service

The memorial service provides an opportunity for the young person to say goodbye and express their grief.

It is important for the adolescent to feel like they are involved at a level with which they feel comfortable. It may mean simply being present at the funeral.

What young people need to know about the grieving process

It may be helpful to remind the young person of the following as they move through the grief process:

It’s okay to cry, and feel angry and/or depressed
It’s important to talk to someone they trust, particularly if they’re feeling overwhelmed
They are not responsible for the death
Having a laugh or having fun is okay
It’s okay to move on and enjoy life.

Connecting with the school after a suicide bereavement

It is important to connect with the school so that teachers can be prepared and provide a supportive environment for the adolescent.

Here are some suggestions about how to engage the school:

Don’t assume the school teachers or counsellors know of your adolescent’s connection with the person who died
Contact the school and advise them of the death and circumstances
Talk to the school teacher and school counsellor when the adolescent returns to school
Inform the school of any anniversary dates and times of extra stress.

If you have lost someone to suicide, and need someone to talk to, call the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 to speak to a counsellor. If it is an emergency, please call 000.