Wellbeing at Homestead

How to cope when things feel out of your control

When you’re going through a tough time and everything seems out of your control, you might feel like not attending school or be wondering what you did to deserve this, or thinking that it will never get better… any of this sound familiar?

It turns out, though, that a more helpful way to cope with things that are out of our control is to practise acceptance. Instead of seeing ourselves as victims or our situation as negative, acceptance makes us feel empowered about the things we can do.

What’s the deal with acceptance?

Accepting something doesn’t mean you’re giving it a big thumbs-up. You accept your friends for who they are. You know you’re not responsible for their actions, and you definitely can’t control them, so when they do things, you don’t agree with, you mostly just get over it. 

Understanding what's in and out of your control can help you manage stress, make better decisions, and foster a sense of peace. Focus on what you can change, and let go of what you can't.

It’s normal to feel sad, angry and at times, infuriated. The thing is, if you refuse to accept these things and stay angry, it can just lead to more hurt and upset. If you can manage to accept that this is what’s happening right now, your mind can focus on what you can do to make things better.

Try drawing a circle on your hand and remember what is within your control and what is outside of your control. Try to let go of what is outside of your control using acceptance. One thing’s for sure, acceptance isn’t easy. Think about something you’ve been struggling with and give these three tips a go to see if you can come to accept it.

Some practices that may help you understand this a little better:

1. Imagine what a role model or admired friend would do in the same situation

It’s normal to be upset if you don’t score that job you’ve applied for. But sometimes we get so caught up in being upset, we lose sight of the actual situation. We can judge ourselves super-harshly in ways we would never judge a friend.

A more helpful response is to try giving yourself the advice you might give a friend. What would you tell them to help them out? Would you judge them or accept them? If you’d accept them, try using that acceptance on yourself and treat yourself as your own friend. Showing yourself compassion can make a hug difference. 

2. Write down your thoughts

Stress can make us think negative thoughts about ourselves. These might be things like ‘I always say the wrong thing’, or ‘I suck at this’. Once you’re thinking these things about yourself, it’s easy to think even more negative thoughts and to focus on all the bad stuff.

It’s important to understand that we are not our thoughts. Thoughts may come into your head for a whole bunch of reasons. By accepting that thoughts aren’t facts, they lose some of their power to upset us.

Try writing down the words that are going through your head, especially when you’re in a tough situation. Then read them back as if someone else had written them. This can help you to realise that your thoughts aren’t you, and to accept them for what they are: just thoughts. Writing these thoughts down acknowledges that they are simply thoughts. You can even try reframing them with ‘I just had the thought that…’ beforehand. ‘I just had the thought that I’m not good enough’ is less upsetting and more truthful than the thought itself.

3. Talk to others about how you’re feeling

It’s normal to feel all the feels (grief, sadness, anger, anxiety) when you’re faced with stress. Sometimes you can make it worse by judging yourself for feeling these emotions. We might think, ‘I should be happy all the time’, or ‘If I’m sad, something’s wrong with me’. It’s not super-surprising that this makes us feel even worse.

Talking to friends, family, or anyone else you feel comfortable with can help you feel less alone and that somebody else gets it.

It can be hard to start talking. You might be afraid that saying the thoughts aloud will make them real, or that the other person won’t understand. Often, though, once you start opening up, you realise that it is totally fine to talk about what’s on your mind. In fact, it might be a relief for the other person, too, because they might be feeling something similar. Realising that other people are going through the same thing can help us feel like our emotions are normal, valid, and okay to feel.

We’ve got two choices when something bad and out of our control happens to us. We can struggle with it and suffer because we can’t control it, or we can accept it and move on.

Acceptance is something worth practising, like a musical instrument or playing sport. The better you get at it through practice, the easier you will find it when something bad happens, and the better you’ll feel. 

-Bethany & Emma