Senior School News

Dear Parents and Caregivers, 

As adults, we often interact with young people through a conduit of anxiety, which makes our conversations with them far more detrimental than we would like to admit. The inevitable bi-product of our misdirected worry is the imposition of judgement, undeniably palpable to the very young person we are trying to help and support. Whether intended or not, this often results in them reacting defensively, catalysing feelings of frustration and disillusionment. Consequently, over time, the relationship fractures and is reduced to being adversarial, with each miscommunication polarising parent and child, driving them ever-further from connection. 

Having worked in schools for nearly twenty years, it is abundantly clear that many young people do not feel supported or understood at home. This is usually not a consequence of a lack of care or concern from caregivers but occurs because of the gulf between a teenager's need for unconditional love and support, and parents' worry-riddled judgements and behaviours that persistently undermine it. 

As a parent, I am certainly guilty of falling into the trap of conducting conversations in a self-serving manner. When I am talking to my son about his day at school, I sometimes ask 'what was the best thing you did today?' (a little tip I learned from Hugh van Cuylenburg) and then listen intently to the enthusiastic response. However, I have sometimes followed up with more pointed questions like, 'What did you do at lunchtime?' and 'Who did you play with?' I came to realise is that, because I have a deep desire for him to have positive interactions with peers, ultimately, my questions are leading ones, designed to abate my needs and anxieties rather than to share and reinforce his positive experiences. 

So, when he occasionally said, 'I played by myself today', it induced a spiralling barrage of probing questions like 'Why? Are you being left out? Was someone mean to you?' However, these questions would only contribute to evoking unhelpful feelings, like worry and stress. I knew I needed to break this habit, so instead, I started asking questions from a position of genuine curiosity: 'was it your choice to play alone?' and 'did you have fun?' which enabled me to avoid transmitting to him my own biases and preoccupations. It is something I continue to work on. But being aware of our worries and how they shape our interactions with our kids is the first step in changing ingrained behaviours. We will get it wrong sometimes but reminding ourselves that it contributes to our commitment to nurture their needs before our own, is enough motivation to commit to personal evolution. 

Situations like the aforementioned one also play out between parents and teenagers. For example, when a child gets a poor result on a maths test, it is common practice to take a punitive approach, scolding them for not studying adequately and telling them that it is very *cue preparation for eyeroll* 'disappointing'. However, ask yourself, what do they get from this interaction? If you answered castigation and judgement, you would be correct. Again, the criticism is well-meaning, however, the conversation is framed by either conscious or subconscious worries - the worry that the child will be academically unsuccessful, the worry that their post-school opportunities will be diminished by these struggles, and so on. Again, objectively, it would be much more supportive and effective to act curiously. Parents could ask, 'Why do you think it didn't go well? Are there any things you can do to help your performance next time? How do you feel about your result? Is there anything that I can do to help or support you?' Such reactions facilitate self-reflection and enable the young person to explore their authentic feelings about their experience. It also means that any actions they decide to take will be intrinsically driven and, hence, more likely to be successful. Furthermore, a sense of teamwork between parent and child is fostered because the meeting of emotional needs and the coaching of academic habits occur subtly and synchronously.

Perhaps it is easiest to sum up by creating some simple guiding questions for our interactions with the young people in our lives: 

• Have I tried to empathise with them and understand their feelings and experiences (rather than dismissing or diminishing them)? 
• Seek to understand before being understood. 
• Am I willing to put my anxieties, assumptions and prejudices aside to nurture our relationship by providing unconditional love and support? 
• Can I be humble enough to allow them the agency to explore their own solutions to problems, providing some coaching when required, rather than resorting to a didactic (and potentially belittling) approach. 
• Can I prioritise being a shoulder to cry on (and staying out of judgement) in challenging times, and an unabashed cheerleader (rather than the cautionary 'realist') amidst their successes?

Or just remember LUNABECS:

Listen actively

Understand and validate their feelings

Never let your anxieties dictate

Always give your time patiently and generously

Blanket unhelpful instincts to 'fix' problems 

Empower by coaching (don't tell)

Cheer the good

Soothe when upset

We must always remember not to be too hard on ourselves - navigating the complex experiences of those we intensely care about is difficult. Really difficult. Ironically, it is the blinding power of our love that is often culpable for our parental failures. And, if there's a reason to fail, let love be it. But, ultimately, sharing the journey with our kids is a much more enticing prospect than loving them at arm’s length. At the very least, it is well worth a try. 

Regards, 

Mr Jonathan Hunt

Acting Head of Senior School (Year 10 and Year 11)