College Counsellor

How you can help when your child refuses to go to school

Authors

1. Jade Sheen, Senior Lecturer, School of Psychology, Deakin University
2. Amanda Dudley, Psychologist and Lecturer, Deakin University

If you have a child or teenager who complains about going to school, you are not alone. There is kindness in encouraging children to face their fears; this promotes confidence and autonomy. Conversely, avoiding the triggers of anxiety increases anxiety in the long term. The below tips are taken from a bigger article published in 2018. 

Consider possible triggers

At a time when you’re both calm (and not on school mornings), ask your child to describe the key challenges of going to school. Together, you may be able to solve these problems or develop a plan to manage them. For younger children or those who struggle to express their feelings, you may need to use the observe-validate-redirect model:

Observe: “I have noticed that you appear upset and worried in the morning and you often ask to stay home.”

Validate: “We all feel upset and worried sometimes and it can feel uncomfortable.”

Redirect: “Going to school is very important. What are some things that we can do to help you to get there?”

Give clear and consistent messages

Research suggests there are subtle yet critical differences in how parents communicate about school attendance. Consider this scenario:

You wake your child for school at 8:15am and need to leave the house at 8:45am, concerned that they need to get more sleep. You sit on the bed and ask, “How are you feeling today?” Your child becomes distressed and says they are not attending school. Concerned, you note “It would be really good if you could”. Your child refuses. You start to feel anxious and upset and tell them “You can’t keep doing this” before walking out.

The child has had only a short time to get ready and while the parent is clearly supportive and concerned, the verbal messages around school attendance are ambiguous and the parent leaves the room in distress.

A more helpful approach would include:

• Waking the child at the same time each day with enough time to get ready for school
• Giving clear messages about school attendance such as “It’s time to get up for school” and “I know you don’t want to go but we cannot allow you to remain at home”
• Encouraging a graded approach to the morning if the child becomes distressed: “Let’s focus on breakfast first”, “let’s get your school bag sorted”, and so on.

Set clear routines on days off school

Well-meaning parents will often find that efforts to encourage their child’s school attendance are hampered by positive reinforcements for staying at home: the ability to sleep in and spend the day relaxing, watching TV and playing video games, or having more individual attention from a parent.

If a child is not going to school, they shouldn’t be indulged. If you find your child at home on school days, set up a home routine similar to school:

• get up and dressed by school time
• limit access to TV and the Internet during school hours
• encourage the child to complete their schoolwork
• limit one-on-one time with the parent until after school hours
• reduce activities outside of the home, such as shopping.

If this has piqued your interest, find out more here: So your child refuses to go to school? Here's how to respond (theconversation.com)