Assistant Principal - Pastoral Care

Valuing Disappointment

Last term our students received their Semester 1 reports - I imagine there were a range of responses to the information provided by teachers: some students were happy and elated that their hard work was affirmed by the results, some were no doubt unsurprised and maybe indifferent while others were disappointed, hoping that they had achieved at a higher standard than was reflected in the report. These feelings are often magnified in Years 11 and 12 where not only the result you have achieved in a task is provided but also your rank against your peers which is so pivotal to influencing your final HSC mark. Disappointment is part and parcel of being a senior.

Rather than be burdened by disappointment, I would encourage young people to reframe the experience so that it becomes an opportunity for growth. How one navigates this rollercoaster of highs and lows and, more importantly, learns from these experiences is essential to building a character that manages the vicissitudes of life.

Disappointment is an emotion common to all humans, how we deal with it is not all the same. Last month the American tennis player, Amanda Anisimova was soundly thrashed 6-0, 6-0 in the Wimbledon final, the worst loss in over one hundred years. How Anisimova responded to her disappointment is an example of how best to manage this potentially devastating experience. Anisimova fought back tears, graciously complimented her opponent, thanked the fans — and apologised, too — and then broke down as she praised her mother, who had nurtured and supported her after the sudden death of her father in 2019 and during an eight-month sabbatical from tennis that began in 2023.

“I know I didn’t have enough today, but I’m going to keep putting in the work,” Anisimova said, wiping tears from her cheek. “I always believe in myself so I hope to be back here again one day.”

Amy Edmondson, a professor of leadership and management at Harvard Business School, argues that Anisimova’s response to her disappointment was a masterclass in failure. A ‘masterclass’ in the sense this is how we should handle profound disappointment. “It was courageous,” Edmondson said. “It was honest, and then you realise how compelling it is and how few people truly take that opportunity to be honest and vulnerable and generous after a devastating failure.”

Edmondson has written extensively on the topic of failing. She says in the business world that there are three types of failure - basic (sending an email to the wrong person), complex (a series of things that go wrong such as in a supply chain due to Covid) and intelligent failure (trying new things, taking calculated risks or innovating). She considers the third to be the most beneficial, leading to knowledge, discovery and growth.

Following her disappointment and loss in front of the eyes of the world, Anisimova did something important and powerful: she reframed the loss as an opportunity for growth, taking solace in a quote from the author Marianne Williamson: “Pain can burn you up and destroy you, or burn you up and redeem you.”

“I told myself, ‘I’ll definitely come out stronger after this,’” she said. “I mean, that’s not an easy thing to go through, losing 0-0 in a Grand Slam final. If anything, I can look at it as a positive.”

The purpose for this reflection is that the Australian child psychologist Michael Carr-Gregg has written that: “in my decades of working with young people, I have witnessed a growing reluctance – among parents and society at large – to allow children to experience and learn from disappointment. Instead, we rush to shield them, to smooth the path, and to rescue them at the first sign of distress. In doing so, we rob them of one of life’s most important teachers.”

He goes on to say:

“In recent years, there has been a well-intentioned but ultimately misguided trend towards overprotection. Parents, anxious to spare their children pain, intervene at the first sign of trouble – calling teachers to dispute grades, negotiating with coaches for more playing time, or simply removing obstacles altogether. This concierge parenting can go too far, undermining the authority and boundaries that young people need to thrive.

The result? A generation less equipped to handle life’s inevitable disappointments. When children are not allowed to fail, they do not learn that failure is survivable. When every setback is cushioned, they miss the chance to develop the grit and tenacity that adulthood demands.”

Carr-Gregg’s advice to parents is invaluable:

First, resist the urge to immediately fix the problem. Step back and allow your child time to process their feelings and find the words to express them.
Next, help them assess the situation objectively. A reality check gets them to evaluate whether it is really as bad as it seems.
Importantly, don’t let disappointment fester into resentment or anxiety. Encourage constructive reflection rather than rumination. Work out ‘where to next’ and ‘what have I learned from this?’
Finally, do talk about it when they are ready, as encouraging expression can help young people process disappointment in a healthy way. Young people work much better as processing plants for emotions than sterile containers.

As Amanda Asinimova demonstrated, adulthood is marked by many ups and downs; a journey fraught with challenges that require us to respond positively rather than wilt and withdraw. When parents allow their young people to experience and learn from disappointment you are preparing them for life.

As always, how you respond as a parent is formative for your young person. When you model resilience, positive thinking and embrace the next opportunity provided by disappointment, your young person will be stronger and well-equipped and ready to “look at it as a positive” just as Amanda Asinimova did at Wimbledon.

Mick Larkin

Assistant Principal - Pastoral Care

mlarkin@arm.catholic.edu.au