Counsellor's Corner

The Pressure to be fine

Why "I'm fine" can get in the way — and what to do instead.

Think about the last time someone asked how you were going. What did you say? Chances are, it was some version of "fine" - even if fine wasn't quite the truth.

This is one of the most common things I notice in students, and honestly, in adults too. Somewhere along the way, we've absorbed the idea that being okay is the expected default. Struggling feels inconvenient. It feels like a burden on others, or worse, like a sign that something is wrong with us. So, we smile, say "I'm fine," and carry on.

But here's what the research tells us: suppressing emotions doesn't make them go away. It actually intensifies them over time. When we don't acknowledge how we're really feeling, those feelings don't disappear - they just find other exits. Irritability. Exhaustion.

Difficulty concentrating. A vague, persistent sense that something is off but you can't quite name it.  

“Emotions aren't problems to be fixed. They're information. When we dismiss those signals, we lose access to really useful data about ourselves."

Psychologists call this emotional suppression, and it comes with real costs: higher stress, lower wellbeing, and ironically, more difficulty regulating the very emotions we're trying to hide. We think we're managing. We're actually just delaying.

None of this means you need to overshare or turn every conversation into an emotional debrief. It simply means giving yourself permission to notice when you're not okay - and not punishing yourself for it.

For students:

You don't have to have it all together

You don't have to be the person who handles everything without flinching. What you do need is at least one person in your life you can be real with - a friend, a family member, a teacher, or your school counsellor. Research consistently shows that social connection is one of the strongest buffers against stress and anxiety. You don't need to perform okayness for the people who are actually there for you

For parents:

Open a door without demanding they walk through it

When teens give you a one-word answer, it's rarely because they don't want connection - it's often because "how was your day?" puts them on the spot. 

Sometimes the most powerful thing a parent can do is model not-fine-ness themselves. When young people see the adults in their lives name a feeling out loud, it quietly gives them permission to do the same.

Not fine is fine. My door is always open.

Miss Ebony Coldrey

School Counsellor