The Power of Naming Your Child’s Emotions

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It’s 8:30am on Monday morning. Your child is still in pyjamas and refusing to eat breakfast. Your child is stomping around the house as they shout, “I’m not going to school today!”. You’re watching the clock tick over and you feel yourself starting to get antsy. You start to bargain. “If you have one bite of toast, then we can get ice cream after school”. Your child has one bite and then runs away, to hide from you.

Now, helplessness starts to settle in. You start to beg. “Please, just let me change your clothes so we’re not late!”. Your child lets you take off their pyjamas and then wriggles away from you before you’re able to get the school t-shirt over your child’s head. “I told you, I’m not going!”, your child shouts as they run down the corridor. Now, you’re irritated. It’s time to lay down the law. “Right!”, you shout, “no more messing around”. And the battle ensues. Loud voices. Harsh words. Hurt feelings. Tears. You get into the car and make it to school just in time but both you and your child feel pretty rubbish.

As play therapists, we look to science to help us navigate these common yet tricky situations.

It is science that tells us that by simply naming a child’s emotions, we help them to get their emotions under control – name it, to tame it. In order to understand the power of naming your child’s emotions, it is important to talk a little about the brain.

Every child has an Upstairs Brain and a Downstairs Brain. The Upstairs Brain is responsible for thinking and the Downstairs Brain is responsible for feeling. The Upstairs Brain allows your child to rationalise, reason and think things through.

The Downstairs Brain allows your child to experience emotions. The Downstairs Brain is also responsible for keeping an eye out for danger. When the Downstairs Brain detects danger, it takes control over the brain. This is so that the brain can respond on instinct rather than on logic – on feeling rather than reason.

A simple way to understand how this works is to think about what your brain does when you touch a hot pan on the stove. Instead of thinking about what to do, “should I take my hand away?”, your brain acts on instinct and automatically pulls your hand away from the hot pan to avoid any further danger.

When your child is feeling calm & safe, their Upstairs Brain & Downstairs Brain work together

It allows your child to engage in meaningful play and learning opportunities. When your child is overcome with a big feeling, however, such as deep sadness, fear or anger, their Downstairs Brain detects danger and sends their Upstairs Brain offline – this is a scientific fact. What this means is that big feelings disconnect your child from their ability to rationalise, reason and think things through. No amount of bargaining, begging or battling with your child will quell your child’s big feelings until they feel heard, understood and safe. That is, until their Downstairs Brain feels soothed and settled and out of danger. Only then, will your child’s Downstairs Brain make room for their Upstairs Brain to come back online.

One way to help your child feel heard, understood and safe is to name the emotion you see in front of you. This helps your child to make sense of what’s going on inside and it lets them know that you are there to help them to feel safe again. Whilst the bargaining, begging and battling can be oh-so-tempting, naming your child’s feelings can be a more effective way of responding to big emotions. You might try something like, “you’re really mad at me for rushing you along this morning”, or, “you’re feeling nervous about going to school today”, or, “it can be scary to start new things”.

Think back to the last time you were overwhelmed by a big feeling.

Maybe you felt let down by your partner or under-appreciated at work. Perhaps you were fearful of making a mistake or feeling hopeless about the outcome of a particular situation. When you have someone in your life to help you name what’s going inside – “you must feel…let down, fearful, hopeless, under-appreciated, etc”. – you feel understood, supported and safe. You are supported to soothe your Downstairs Brain and bring your Upstairs Brain back online.

By naming our child’s emotions, we help them to develop a greater self-awareness and we create opportunities for connection. Name it to Tame It – it’s a powerful way of responding to your child’s emotions.

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