Parenting Ideas
Now You See Them, Now You Don’t
Written by Dr Justin Coulson
Transforming Chore Dodgers into Willing Helpers
Chores, responsibilities, tasks—no matter what you call them, asking your child to help around the house often leads to groans, whining, or excuses. Suddenly, they’re “sick” or they need to use the bathroom when it’s time to help! While we’ll likely never have children who love doing chores, there are ways to make them more willing participants in keeping the household running. This article explains when kids are ready to help, why they should, and how to involve them in ways that work for everyone.
Developmental Realities
Children are more capable than we often give them credit for. While we expect too much emotionally, we sometimes underestimate their physical abilities. Kids can help with many tasks, but it’s important to match chores with their developmental stage. For example, a 6-year-old might not be able to hang laundry, but they can wash dishes, clear the table, or pick up toys.
How Do You Teach Them?
The fancy term for it is the “Gradual Release of Responsibility” framework. It works in three phases:
- I Do (demonstration)
- We Do (guided practice)
- You Do (independent application)
First, you model the task completely while they observe. Next, you perform it together, with you gradually stepping back as they take on more responsibility. Finally, they assume complete ownership while you provide occasional guidance. This approach acknowledges that mastery develops through supported practice rather than sudden handover.
Research
Studies show that children who help out with regular tasks around the home:
- Develop better executive function (e.g., memory, self-regulation)
- Have higher self-confidence and self-efficacy
- Are more competent, perform better in school, and are happier
And the researchers generally point to the age of around 5 as the best time to start.
But how? Let me suggest three big ideas to help:
1. Do It Together
Kids are more likely to engage in chores if they’re not left alone. Working side-by-side makes the task faster and allows kids to learn the correct way to do things. Plus, they’re focused on the time spent with you, not the chore itself. You can turn this time into an opportunity to connect—talking about life, their interests, or asking fun questions. Working as a team can also motivate kids, such as framing a task with a goal: “Can we get the whole playroom cleaned in 10 minutes?”
2. Make It Fun
Transforming chores from drudgery to delight is all about presentation. A competition to see who can do it faster is fun. Pumping up the music and dancing while you work is fun. Reimagining the living room as a laboratory that needs to be organised before an important experiment? Genuinely engaging!
In our family, we play a game the kids invented called “word association” (terrible name, but it’s all theirs). We identify a theme (like dreams, or modes of transport, or breakups) and take it in turns singing a song that matches the theme. The dishes practically wash themselves when everyone’s belting out “I Will Survive” during our breakup-themed cleanup session. No one is thinking about the chores because they’re having too much fun singing the songs.
3. Create Ownership Through Choice
Children crave autonomy, and giving them some control over their chores can reduce resistance. Instead of a simple “Can you clean your room?”, ask, “Would you like to organise your toys before or after tea?” or “Do you want to be in charge of vacuuming or dusting this week?” Offering a “Responsibility Menu,” where kids choose their tasks for the week, provides more agency while ensuring everything gets done.
Remember that ownership develops gradually. Start by assigning specific areas of responsibility that belong exclusively to your child. Perhaps they’re the family’s “Plant Care Specialist” in charge of watering, or the “Energy Monitor” responsible for sensible electricity use. These roles transform mundane tasks into meaningful contributions to the family ecosystem. (But beware… you might create a monster!)
Nurturing Responsibility for Life
Teaching our children to participate in household maintenance goes far beyond having a tidy home. It’s about cultivating essential life skills and values that will serve them well into adulthood. Through collaborative and engaging approaches to chores, we help children build competence, confidence, and consideration for others.
The investment we make now—in patience, creativity, and consistent expectations—yields dividends in the form of capable, responsible young people who understand that contributing to their community begins at home. By transforming household work from dreaded obligation to meaningful participation, we prepare our children not just for independent living, but for a lifetime of positive engagement with the world around them.