IPS WELLBEING

A Series on Positive behaviour for children and teenagers.

Over the next few fortnights we will be exploring the idea of positive behaviour and the impact it has on children's wellbeing and development. 

What it is and why it’s important for children and teenagers

Positive behaviour in children and teenagers is about acting, speaking and responding in ways that help with getting along with others, staying safe and developing well. Positive behaviour can look different at different ages and stages of development, but it usually includes things like speaking kindly, cooperating, resolving conflict effectively, and following instructions. These positive behaviours also carry over into school through our three school values of Be Kind, Work Hard & Grow Together. 

Positive behaviour might depend on family beliefs, values and culture.

When children and teenagers behave in positive ways, it’s good for their wellbeing, relationships with family and friends, confidence, learning, health and safety.

When children are young, they might need help to understand how to behave in positive ways. As they get older, they’ll understand why positive behaviour is important and make good choices based on this.

Family rules

Family rules are positive statements about how families wants to look after and treat their members.

Rules help children and teenagers learn what behaviour is and isn’t OK in families. Also, rules help adults be consistent in the way they behave towards children and teenagers.

Rules can help everyone in the family get along better. They make family life more positive and peaceful.

What do positive family rules look like?

Positive family rules guide children’s behaviour in a positive way. They:

• describe exactly what positive behaviour looks like – for example, ‘We speak to each other nicely, like saying “please” when we ask for something’
• are easy for your child to understand – for example, ‘Take shoes off inside the house’
• tell children what to do, rather than what not to do – for example, ‘Keep your room tidy by putting your clothes away’ rather than ‘Don’t be messy’.

Rules that tell children what not to do are OK sometimes. They’re best when it’s difficult to explain what to do instead – for example, ‘Don’t use swear words’.

A short list of positive family rules is better than a long one, especially for younger children.

What to make rules about:

Choose the most important things to make rules about. This might include rules about:

• physical behaviour towards each other – for example, ‘Be gentle with each other’
• safety – for example, ‘Always tell a parent if someone you don’t know wants to be your friend in real life or online’
• communication – for example, ‘We wait until others have finished talking before we talk’
• daily routines – for example, ‘We take turns setting the table each night’
• respect for each other – for example, ‘Knock before going into each other’s rooms’
• tech use – for example, ‘Devices stay on the kitchen bench overnight’.

Who to involve in making the rules:

It’s important to involve all family members as much as possible when making family rules. A family meeting or a conversation over dinner can be a good way to do this.

Children as young as 3 years can be part of talking about the rules. As children get older, they can be more involved in deciding what the rules should be.

When children of all ages are involved in making the rules, it helps them understand and accept the rules and the reasons for them. This means they’re more likely to see the rules as fair and stick to them.

For older children and teenagers, being involved in making the rules can also give them the chance to take responsibility for their own behaviour.

When to review or change the rules

It’s good to go over family rules from time to time to check how they’re working. This can also be a good way to remind everyone of the most important rules.

And there will be times when rules need to change, as children get older or family situations change. For example, you might extend your school-age child’s bedtime or your teenage child’s curfew. Or if one parent’s work arrangements change, you might make new or different rules about helping with household chores.

Just like when you make new rules, it’s good to hold a family meeting and involve children in making changes to rules.

Following the rules: what to expect from children of different ages and abilities

Preschoolers:

Most children aged 3-4 years have the language skills to understand simple rules.

But at this age, children are likely to forget or ignore rules. They’ll need support and reminders to follow your family rules. For example, ‘Remember, we sit down to eat’.

And when it comes to safety, rules are important, but it’s best not to rely on them to keep children safe. For example, your rule might be ‘Stay away from the road’, but you still need to always watch your child near roads.

School-age children and pre-teens:

Children might be 8-10 years old before you can start relying on them to follow rules without your help in most situations. For example, children of this age will probably remember rules about brushing teeth before bed or waiting for an adult before crossing the road.

Reminders will help your child remember the rules even when you’re not around.

Teenagers:

Rules are just as important for teenagers as they are for younger children. Clear rules give teenagers a sense of security at a time in their lives when many other things are changing. It’s never too late to create or reinforce rules for teenagers.

Rules about safe behaviour are especially important. These might include rules about alcohol use, vaping, sex, dating and curfews. Some families negotiate and sign safety contracts. A safety contract is a signed agreement that outlines the rules – for example, ‘I will text you when I use public transport at night’.

But you can expect challenges to the rules, as teenagers look for more autonomy and independence.

At this age, a change in language from ‘rules’ to ‘expectations’ can help teenager children to feel like they’re being guided rather than controlled. This might encourage them to follow the rules.

Children with additional needs

In families with children with additional needs, consistent rules send the message that everyone is equal. For example, if your family rule is that you all speak nicely to each other, all your children should follow this rule.

Like all children, children with additional needs might sometimes need help to understand and remember rules.

What to do when children don’t follow the rules

When children break the rules, parents might choose simply to remind them of the rules and give them another chance.

But it will ultimately be more effective to use consequences for breaking rules.

It’s best to talk as a family about consequences when you’re making the family rules. This can ensure that everyone understands and agrees on the consequences from the start. And if everyone understands and agrees, it can be easier to put consequences into action when children break the rules.

**All information and advice has been sourced from the 'raisingchildrens' website. Further information regarding this topic can be sourced from here.