Heads of House 

Diffusing negative and mean comments in friendship groups

At Mount Alvernia College, we emphasise the importance of developing and engaging in positive, meaningful and supportive relationships. We believe in building each other up rather than tearing each other down. 

In today’s world, however, social media, news feeds and community interactions often do not share the same values. Instead, relational aggression typified as drama, gossip and sensationalism dominates our lives. Many forms of entertainment incorporate humour at someone else’s expense. From these influences, young people learn that roasting another person yields power, popularity, status, belonging and some cheap laughs.

For adolescents, this type of behaviour is confusing and inconsistent. One day, a person may seem like one’s best friend; the next day, for no rhyme or reason, the friend marginalises another person through their hurtful words. 

How can we help our children to navigate this environment and maintain our core values?  Teen educator, Rebecca Sparrow, offers some practical strategies and useful language to support our young people when they find themselves at the centre of another’s meanness or roasting. 

Non-reaction: 

•  Strategy: Don’t react to mean jokes. Pretend you didn’t hear it and walk away.
• Effect: Frustrates and annoys the person who made the joke, as they did not get a reaction.
  
  Express hurt:
• Strategy: If a friend says a mean joke, respond with, “Ouch” to express our feelings have been hurt, or that they have crossed a line.
• Effect: Communicates that their comment was inappropriate without escalating the situation
  
  Addressing persistent meanness:
• Strategy: If a person continues to niggle, or be mean, use a confident and assertive tone, to say  “It seems like you’re having a bad day” and then walk away.
• Effect: Acknowledges the inappropriate behaviour, and defends themself without engaging in negativity. 
  
  Deflating the joke:
• Strategy: If someone says a joke about you or someone you know, respond with, “I don’t get it.”
• Effect: The ‘joke’ is deflated by making the person explain it. 

It is important to remind our young people they have no control over what other people say and do, but they do have control over their responses. Fuelling the fire and joining the banter, normalises and escalates socially unacceptable behaviours. 

Finally, witnessing mean behaviour and doing nothing about it communicates tacit approval. Observers have a responsibility to act. Speaking up to defend the targeted person is one strategy. If they are not brave enough to say something, walk away; without an audience, the mean person loses power. And, it is important to report the behaviour. Victims of mean behaviour need support. Contrary, to some misguided beliefs, reporting is not snitching. It is acting with integrity, empathy and compassion for those whose dignity and belonging are being eroded. This behaviour is using one’s power for good.

By teaching these strategies, for responding to mean comments, roasts and jokes, we are equipping our young people with the skills to develop and maintain positive relationships that reflect our Franciscan values. Furthermore, we are setting our children up with life-long skills in emotional regulation, conflict resolution and respectful communication – the essential skills for building each other up, that our employers seek, and that our society so sorely needs. 

References: 

Sparrow, R (2024) ‘How to handle mean kids’. Accessed 22nd July 2024.