Friendship offers opportunities for sharing, learning, fun, excitement, self-disclosure, support, advice and long-term relationships. For many children, making and keeping friends is quite effortless, but for some it is a challenge.

The importance of friendship

Having friends improves wellbeing, attitudes to learning and academic performance. Having close friends is related to success at school and in later life. Hence, developing and maintaining friendships is important for a child’s social, emotional, psychological and moral development.

Good friendships enable children to learn and practise important social and emotional skills. These include communicating effectively, getting along with others, coping with and solving problems, self-regulation of emotions, and understanding and responding to the reactions and points of view of others. Within friendship groups, children develop their ability to think about issues that arise between friends, to negotiate and solve problems.

Children and adolescents who find it difficult to make friends often feel lonely and unhappy. They are more at risk of academic underachievement and dropping out of school.

Children with no friends are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety than those who have at least one friend. They are also more likely to be harmed by experiences of victimisation and rejection.

Having just one supportive, loyal, trustworthy friend promotes the development of psychological resilience. It helps play a protective role when managing relationships with a difficult peer, peer group or bullying. The quality of a friendship can impact on resilience, providing a buffer against stress and stressful life events. Close friends usually talk regularly, participate in pro-social activity and learn social competence and conflict resolution skills.

Developmental nature of friendship

Children tend to play with friends who are like them in some way. For example, they may be similar in age, gender, behavioural tendencies, beliefs, appearance, attitudes, interests and likes.

Most children begin to develop the skills underpinning friendship as infants and toddlers. While young children can be black and white in their sense of justice and fairness and misinterpret social situations, over time friendships usually become more complex, stable and intimate.

Young children (up to age 7 years)

Until middle childhood, friendships usually develop between children who play together because of shared circumstances. They may live nearby, be in the same class, share mutual interests, or have parents who are friends. At this age, most will show a preference for particular children they have a natural affinity for but will be happy to play with another child if they can agree on what to play.

Middle childhood (approximately 7 – 11 years)

During these years, friendship usually becomes more stable. Friendships are defined by fairness, loyalty and generosity, but often in a rigid way. If children do something nice for a friend, they expect some reciprocation. Children tend to be concerned with fitting in and being the same as others. Exclusive ‘clubs’ are common, often with complex rules and criteria about who is and isn’t included. Most children in this age group have at least one friend, and many have a group or close network of three to five friends.

Older children/adolescents (11 years +)

During this period, friendship reflects social, emotional, psychological and physical development. Children become more concerned with their friends’ feelings, motivations and intentions. Intimacy and trust increase. They seek out friends with whom they have an emotional connection, rather than just mutual interests, although these remain important. They begin to look for security, love and acceptance, amongst friends and the broader peer group. Friendships may not be fixed, and changes in relationships can occur as individuals mature.

Fights and friendship issues

It is normal for misunderstandings and disagreements to occur between friends. It is best to let children sort out most issues themselves where they possess the required social skills and personal resources. Dealing with small friendship issues can help to build resilience and coping skills through learning to problem solve and negotiate.

Social exclusion

Most school staff regard inclusion and acceptance as core values and aim to assist children who are at risk of exclusion by other children. However, other school community members including some parents and extended family may be less accepting or tolerant. Some may actively or subtly encourage their children to avoid or reject specific children, particularly if the child or the parent’s behaviour or presentation appears to deviate from perceived community or personal standards or norms.

Toxic friendships

Toxic friendships tend to occur in the middle years and beyond and are more common amongst girls than boys. Here ‘frenemies’ can alternate between being overly affectionate and socially aggressive towards their ‘friend’, smoothly changing roles to enhance their social power. A child who may have been a good friend, may say mean things, maliciously compete with, exclude, ridicule or taunt their ‘friend’ while maintaining other aspects of the friendship. This is known as relational aggression. Such behaviour is a form of bullying that can be often very hurtful.

It can be difficult for schools to successfully identify and intervene to counter relational aggression. Promoting empathy, kind and respectful relationships and friendship groups beyond one ‘best’ friend can assist in countering relational aggression.

Friendships and social media

Social media may contribute to toxic friendships and friendship difficulties through harmful postings or real-time taunts. Schools and parents need to continuously work together to both prevent and quickly respond to cyberbullying with a range of strategies including open communication about healthy digital citizenship, self-help for users who are bullied, and fair codes governing social media use.

When to intervene

Inappropriate teacher or parent intervention can hamper skill development. Teacher intervention is warranted if the issue is persistent, serious or involves bullying. While teacher intervention may be necessary in some circumstances, generally talking things through and providing children with opportunities to practise new skills in social situations is more powerful in the longer term. Social and emotional competence develops through meaningful practice over time, in the same way that other skills are developed.

Some parents are uncomfortable leaving their child to solve small friendship issues and pressure teachers to intervene. If this is a recurring issue the teacher should meet with the parents. If necessary, a senior staff member could be included to explain the value of allowing children to learn to their own solve problems.

When the incident has occurred online it can be difficult for schools to successfully identify and intervene. It can be challenging to identify the perpetrator, and/or the instigator will often deny that it is occurring, particularly when there are no witnesses to the bullying. With online bullying a screenshot of harmful comments or photos may enable a conversation to be initiated. When conversation fails, use of conflict resolution techniques, initially by the classroom teacher, or another suitably qualified teacher or professional is usually the most effective strategy. If the victim is highly distressed or at risk of more harm being done by a conversation, school staff should choose a more suitable intervention that protects the victim. Appropriate disciplinary action may need to be taken.

Jenny Willmott

Deputy Principal and Student Wellbeing

Sustainability at SJV