Michael Grose
Parenting Toolbox
Make the shift
Shift from Generic praise (“Great job!” ,“That is so good!” “What a clever girl!”) to Specific, Growth-oriented phrases.
You’ll notice the difference.
Your words will land and stick.
You’ll see results—improvement at school. Better behaviour. More confidence.
Here are 20 phrases that truly build kids up, fostering a strong sense of self-worth and a love for learning.
20 Specific Phrases That Build Kids Up
These 20 phrases focus on eight distinct areas that ensure kids thrive: effort, growth, self-belief, capability, agency, self-expression, resilience and mindset.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Please adapt each phrase to suit your child and your communication style. Be genuine so the phrases don’t feel fake. This will enhance their durability and effect.
Effort and Growth
Shifting your language to emphasise the process rather than just the outcome can profoundly impact how individuals perceive challenges and setbacks. The science of praise informs us that children after the age of seven prefer praise that focuses on effort, rather than results. They feel less pressure to get things right!
By acknowledging effort, celebrating progress, and fostering a growth mindset, you empower your child to embrace learning and build resilience.
1. "I see how hard you're working on that!"
This acknowledges their effort, not just the outcome, reinforcing the value of persistence. Persistence is one of the key characteristics that children should develop for success.
2."You're making so much progress!"
Highlighting progress, no matter how small, keeps them motivated and shows them their efforts are paying off.
3. "What's your plan for solving this?"
This empowers them to think critically and develop problem-solving skills rather than relying on you for answers.
4. “It's okay to make mistakes; that's how we learn!"
This type of statement creates a safe space for experimentation, reducing the fear of failure.
5. "You didn't give up, and look what happened!"
This statement links perseverance to a positive outcome and teaches them the reward of persistence.
Self-Belief and Capability
Kids, like many adults, struggle to self-observe, so they need someone whom they trust to point out their capabilities and shape their thinking. Be the mirror that kids need, and use your language to reflect their strengths and abilities.
6. "I know you can do this."
Simple yet powerful, this phrase conveys trust and confidence in their abilities.
7. "You are competent at……."
This broad statement encourages them to dream big and recognise their own potential.
8. "What a creative idea!"
This statement validates their unique thoughts and encourages imaginative thinking.
9. "I love how you [specific action, e.g., 'helped your friend']."
Pointing out specific positive actions reinforces confident behaviour and makes them feel seen.
10. "You're a really good friend/helper/listener."
Labelling positive traits helps them internalise those qualities and encourages them to act accordingly.
Agency and Self-Expression
Use language that places the onus on kids to take charge of their thinking and actions. Agency is the engine that drives kids’ long-term success and well-being. Place the onus of your child to make choices, take initiative and resolve their own problems.
11. "What do you think you should do?"
This type of statement shows you value their opinion and encourages independent thought.
12. "How does that make you feel?"
This statement helps them develop emotional literacy and encourages children to trust their instincts.
13. "It's your choice."
When appropriate, offering choices gives them a sense of control and develops responsibility, especially when they experience the consequences of their choice.
14. "I appreciate your honesty."
This fosters trust and encourages them to be truthful, even when it's difficult.
15. "Tell me more about it."
This invites them to elaborate, showing genuine interest in their thoughts and experiences.
Resilience and Mindset
Perseverance and self-belief are essential for building confidence in children. Add comments and statements that foster resilience and a positive mindset to your confidence-building language mix.
16 . "You've got this!"
A classic cheer that instils confidence and courage in kids.
17. "Let's try a different way."
Encourage kids to think or act differently when things are tough. This phrase encourages flexibility and problem-solving in a non-judgmental way.
18. "You handled that really well."
This comment acknowledges their ability to navigate challenging situations.
19. "I'm proud of you for [specific effort or action, e.g., 'trying something new']."
Kids are approval-seeking missiles. They yearn for their parents to be proud of them and their efforts.
20. "I love you no matter what."
This simple phrase conveys unconditional acceptance and security, which is incredibly foundational for a child's emotional well-being.
Your Language Becomes Their Language.
Children up to seven years old mainly learn about themselves from their parents.
After that age, the opinions of peers and broader role models begin to hold significant weight. It doesn’t mean that your views are discounted, but your opinions must be considered alongside those of others.
The message is clear.
Consciously choose the messages and phrases that will help children develop a strong inner voice that will champion them through life's challenges and celebrate their unique strengths.
Repeat those phrases often so that your language becomes their language and your voice becomes part of their inner voice, long after you think your direct influence has waned.