Wellbeing at TPS
"How was school?"..."Good."
Hello families,
If you've ever picked your child up from school, asked how their day was, and been met with "good", "fine" or the classic shrug of the shoulders, you're certainly not alone.
It's a concern I hear regularly from parents. They know their child has spent six hours learning, playing, navigating friendships and experiencing all sorts of ups and downs, yet when they ask about it, they get very little in return.
The first thing to know is that this is incredibly normal.
By the end of the school day, children have often spent hours listening, concentrating, solving problems and managing social situations. For many children, particularly boys, getting in the car or walking through the front door can feel a bit like crossing the finish line after a long race. Sometimes they're not ready to talk yet. Sometimes they genuinely can't think of what to share. Sometimes they simply need a break!
Child developmental paediatrician Dr Billy Garvey often speaks about the importance of connection happening through everyday moments rather than formal conversations. In my experience, the best chats with children rarely begin with, "Tell me about your day."
They happen while kicking a footy in the backyard, helping prepare dinner, driving to sport, walking the dog or sitting side-by-side doing something else entirely.
One strategy that can be surprisingly effective is to stop asking questions for a moment and simply go first.
Rather than, "What happened at school today?", try sharing something from your own day.
Maybe it was a mistake you made, something that frustrated you, something funny that happened or something you felt proud of. Children learn how to talk about their feelings and experiences by hearing the adults around them do the same.
It can feel strange at first, particularly when you're met with silence in return. But often, after hearing this kind of modelling over days and weeks, children begin contributing their own stories.
Timing matters too.
Many children arrive home hungry, tired and needing some downtime before they're ready to connect. A snack and a bit of space can sometimes do more for conversation than the most thoughtfully crafted question. As one parenting saying goes, "Food first, feelings later."
When children are ready to talk, it can help to move away from broad questions like, "How was school?" The question is so big that many children don't know where to start. Instead, you might wonder aloud, "I wonder what made you laugh today?" or "I wonder who you spent time with at recess?" Questions like these feel more like curiosity and less like an interview.
Children are also remarkably good at detecting pressure. When they feel they're expected to provide a full report of the day, many will retreat into one-word answers. The goal isn't to extract information. The goal is connection.
Some afternoons they'll tell you everything. Other afternoons you'll get almost nothing.
What matters most is continuing to create opportunities for conversation and showing your child that you're available when they're ready. If your child isn’t sharing about their day verbally, consider the other way they communicate. Children communicate in all sorts of ways, through their behaviour, their play, their humour, their worries and the random comments that seem to come out of nowhere!
Keep showing up. Keep listening. The stories usually come.
Talk soon,
Rhys Lindsay
If you'd like some additional reading on this topic, Harvard Graduate School of Education, ABC Parenting and Understood.org all have excellent resources on encouraging meaningful conversations with children after school.
· Harvard Graduate School of Education – The Art of Talking with ChildrenThe Art of Talking with Children (Harvard Graduate School of Education)
· ABC Parenting – How to Ask Kids About Their Day at School (and Actually Get an Answer)How to Ask Kids About Their Day at School (ABC Parenting)
· Understood.org – Open-Ended Questions to Ask Your Child About SchoolOpen-Ended Questions to Ask Your Child About School (Understood.org)