Wellbeing

Every Parent’s Struggles - Every Day Tools.

Time, Siblings, Behaviour, Anxiety, Independence. Easy solutions to every day problems.

By Michael Grose

Parenthood is a state of mind as much as an activity. It’s an identity that takes some people time to grow into.

I’ve seen my three adult children grow into parenting, much as I did four decades ago. 

A significant part of the parenting mindset involves accepting that there will always be some struggle.

This is beneficial because growth occurs through struggle:

No Hardship. No Learning. No Growth.

Good intentions won’t get you through your parenting struggles. Learning and applying new tools will.

Of course, when you overcome one challenge, another takes its place; such is the nature of the parenting experience.

So you are always learning and adding to your toolbox.

These five struggles are universal but are often overlooked.

1. Time tensions

Lack of time to do everything you want as a parent is a modern phenomenon.

Two decades ago, Quality time was a popular parenting concept. This was a simplistic solution to a complex issue.

What makes up quality time? Is some time spent in the company of children better than other times? Is dressing a toddler less valuable than playing with a toddler? Is time spent driving a teen to a friend’s house a different quality than listening to music together? Does high quality make up for a low quantity of time?

It doesn’t make sense.

Viewing time spent with kids through the relationship lens reveals how to allocate it effectively. If you want a strong bond with a child, the key is to enjoy one-on-one moments with them. It doesn't matter much what you do together, but that you share each other’s company, whether playing, sharing a meal, or walking to school. It’s how children learn about you, and you learn about your child—their interests, personality, and fears.

• First-born and last-born children frequently spend more time one-on-one with a parent than a middle child, so you must be organised or sneaky to ensure that you spend time with this cohort.

   

One-on-one time is one of the keys to strong relationships between parents and kids.

2. Sibling Squabbles

Question: What causes sibling fighting?

Answer: Having more than one child.

Sibling fighting, arguing, and squabbling are part of the parenting story. Not all siblings fight, but most do at some stage in their relationship. It varies between girls and boys, with the former being more verbal and the latter more physical, as a rule of thumb.

I’ve held seminars, written countless articles, and even written a book on sibling rivalry and the subsequent conflict, but I do not recommend focusing on fighting to parents. It’s a better use of your energy to build strong family connections and a strong family.

• Rituals are vital to building close, harmonious families. Family rituals such as shared mealtimes, celebrations and the unique ways you come together help bond people—families break down when rituals are absent.

   

• Downtime is the unorganised time when family members are at home together for no particular purpose. Samoan families, like many Polynesian families, are incredibly close. Their strong bonds are attributed to family members spending a lot of time together just enjoying each other’s company. In the highly structured lives of today’s Western families, downtime is a rare commodity, so cherish it when it happens.

3. Behaviour Balance

When I began my career as a parenting educator four decades ago, parenting education was code for behaviour management. Most people who attended a parenting program wanted to know how to raise cooperative, respectful, well-behaved kids.

Parenting education is way more varied now, but poor behaviour remains a core issue for parents.

Who doesn’t enjoy it when your child cooperates with you? No arguing. No procrastination.

Most parents would take a cooperative, well-behaved child any day!

One of my favourite tools for combating poor behaviour and teaching kids how to behave in the moment is the “Quiet Word.”

When your child is less than perfect in public or in private, go close enough for you to talk in hushed tones, touch their shoulder, get down to their level, and let them know that you disapprove of their behaviour and tell them how to behave.

The “Quiet Word” maintains their dignity and helps to keep them calm.

Choose the time and place for the “Quiet Word”. If they are angry or upset, let them calm down on their own before speaking to them.

4. Anxiety Awareness

In my 2019 book Anxious Kids, coauthored with Dr Jodi Richardson, I outlined many reasons why childhood anxiety is going through the roof, including more anxious parents, tight schedules, lack of free play, high expectations and more. Now, you can add COVID-19 lockdowns and social media to this list.

There are many tools parents can teach their kids to help them manage their anxiety, including deep breathing, emotional regulation, spending time in nature, exercise, mindfulness and more complex tools such as meditation and diffusion.

• But the best tool is giving your child a Mega-dose of Independence (thanks to the Anxious Generation for this term).

   

Independence reduces anxiety by exercising the psychological muscles needed to counteract stress. Most importantly, it builds confidence by exposing individuals to real-life situations unrelated to their fears. For example, if someone fears the dark, they could be asked to walk to the shop to get some milk.

Overall, exposure to new situations involving challenges helps build resilience, confidence, resourcefulness, flexibility, and the ability to take intelligent risks.

5. Agency Advantage

Your job as a parent is to make yourself redundant.

Yep, your job is to work your way out of a job. It’s always been the way, and it should always be.

We’re failing badly.

There are many reasons for this, but we’ve forgotten that our crucial task is to build children’s independence from the earliest possible age.

As families have shrunk in size, we’ve taken on many tasks that kids can do for themselves. If you have a neurodiverse child, your task is still to build their independence from the earliest possible age. You may need a more nuanced toolbox, but your goal is the same.

Want to benchmark your independence-building? Check out how you're faring in one of my most popular articles.

Teaching is the best independence-building tool. My modus operandi for teaching goes like this:

• You watch me.
• You help me.
• I’ll help you.

• I’ll watch you.

   

This method can be applied to anything, from tidying a bedroom to cooking a meal to walking to school on their own.

There you go—five struggles, six tools.

1. Struggle: Not enough time to build relationships. Solution: One-on-one time.
2. Struggle: Continual conflict between siblings. Solutions: Rituals and downtime to bring your family together.
3. Struggle: Poor behaviour. Solution: The Quiet Word.
4. Struggle: Childhood anxiety. Solution: Build independence.

5. Struggle: Building independence. Solution: Teaching skills to build their capacities.

    

As usual, don’t take on too much change at once. Pick an area of concern of importance and start from there.

Think about the obstacles you’ll face or the barriers you must overcome to put the solution in place.

Think about the best way to go about using the accompanying tool.

Start small.

Expect resistance.

Plan for it.

Go for it.

Stick at it.

Look for small improvements at first.

Then prepare for exponential improvement as change gains momentum.