Student Wellbeing

What happens when things don't go to plan?

Parents tend to see their mission as helping their kids succeed. But there’s a growing realisation among teachers and other professionals who work with children that kids increasingly need help learning how to fail.

 

Not learning to tolerate failure leaves kids vulnerable to anxiety. It leads to meltdowns when the inevitable failure does occur, whether it happens in preschool or college. And perhaps even more important, it can make kids give up trying — or trying new things.

That’s why Michael Jordan, one of the world’s greatest athletes, has spent years preaching the importance of losing. Jordan has spoken extensively about how perseverance and resilience in the face of challenges on and off the court are what have made him a winner. 

Unfortunately, as the world puts increased pressure on kids to be winners, and parents feel compelled to enable them in every way possible, we’re seeing more and more kids who become distraught over even the smallest misstep.

 

Clearly, distress or frustration tolerance is an important life skill to master. When it comes to school, “the ability to tolerate imperfection — that something is not going exactly your way — is oftentimes more important to learn than whatever the content subject is.Building that skill set is necessary for kids to be able to become more independent and succeed in future endeavors, whether it’s personal goals, academic goals, or just learning how to effectively deal with other people.

First, show empathy

Empathize with your child; see that they’re in distress. Don’t just say, ‘It’s okay, you’ll do better next time.' It’s invalidating to brush off a child’s feelings of frustration and disappointment.Instead, parents need to change their language: “I see you’re really disappointed, I know you really wanted to do better.”

Make yourself a model

You can explain that failure is a part of life and happens to everyone, even you. You could share examples of “failures” you’ve had. Parents can model how to handle their own disappointment, such as losing out on a promotion at work. Kids aren’t necessarily exposed to the reality that life includes mistakes, missteps, and even failures. As much as everyone likes things to go according to plan, it’s important to teach our children that it is also okay when they don’t.

Make it a teachable moment

A child’s failure is a chance for parents to teach acceptance and problem-solving skills. You and your child can try to come up with what they could do the next time for a better chance at success. For instance, could they study differently or talk to the teacher about any problems they’re having before a test?

It’s a balance of acceptance and change, It’s about accepting that the situation is what it is and building frustration tolerance while also asking-Can we change something in the future. Can we learn from this?

 

 

Jenny Willmott

Deputy Principal and Student Wellbeing