Avoiding ‘safetyism’ and allowing our kids to stretch and grow (excerpt from)by Maggie Dent

Just a small step and the magic of ‘…yet’

One of the toughest parts of parenting is watching our kids struggle and fail. Even though we know that they are learning to navigate these difficult moments, it can still be really hard. Every part of our being wants to rush in and fix the problem, cheer them up or minimise their struggle.

In my Exploring Children’s Anxiety seminar, I share the danger of avoidance when our kids meet a challenge no matter how logical it may sound. When your child is struggling to go on the soccer field, or into the dance studio or birthday party they were really excited about, often we can think they are not ready for that and it is just simply too hard. This is especially true when we are offering wonderful encouragement, but they are still reluctant. Rather than avoidance of the activity though, we can validate that they are finding it hard, and then we suggest they do just one step towards braveness. “I am here and I want you to just run out on the field (or dance studio or birthday party) for two minutes! If you are still feeling uncomfortable, you can come back to me and we will leave.”

When a child says, “I can’t do it” or “it’s too hard,” remember the magic of the word ‘yet.’

“I know you are finding this hard and yes it’s frustrating when we can’t do something we want to do, but I want you to remember the word ‘yet’. No one can do anything complicated the first time. No one can cross the long monkey bars the first time. No one can ride a bike without training wheels the first time. However, with practice, they gradually get better. So, it’s not that you won’t ever be able to do it – it’s that right at this moment – you are finding it hard and you can’t do it YET.”

The very best way that we can help our children stretch and grow is through safe, meaningful relationships. The safer they feel, the more likely they will respond to us and the more energy they will have in their nervous system, to stretch and be brave. One of the best ways of doing this in the busyness of life, especially for working families, is to create pockets of joy when you can.

Children are way more capable than the modern world gives them credit for and by giving them life skills and competence (especially in how they move their body or how they sing or dance), we can build an inner sense of self that then creates confidence and genuine self-worth. So, mums and dads, take more deep breaths and encourage those tiny steps of bravery so that one day, they will be brave enough to leave home and live their own lives.

https://www.maggiedent.com/blog/avoiding-safetyism/?utm_source=Maggie%27s+mailing+list&utm_campaign=5368d53936-EMAIL_CAMPAIGN_2024_05_30_11_15&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_a8ec9d9d01-5368d53936-252673130&goal=0_a8ec9d9d01-5368d53936-252673130&mc_cid=5368d53936&mc_eid=0a4b9e8cf7

GIFTS EVERY CHILD NEEDS TO BUILD RESILIENCE

As much as it can be painful to watch our kids’ struggle, that’s our problem, not theirs. Allowing them to struggle, with our love and support, gives them a chance to develop resilience. And resilience will take them a lot further than a life clear of obstacles.

The gift of a strong parent–child relationship

Parents or carers that are loving, caring and available provide support, scaffolding, protection and comfort to their kids. These interactions buffer children from developmental setbacks and foster the ability to bounce back from obstacles. The more loved and supported your child feels, the more resilience they will build.

The gift of developing strengths

One of the best things for promoting resilience is having the belief that we are competent and able to face difficult challenges. We can help our children develop those skills by helping them find their strengths. Using strengths builds wellbeing and makes people more resilient.

The gift of autonomy

Controlling our kids makes them anxious. And constantly making decisions for our kids, or ‘fixing’ things, undermines their decision-making skills, their confidence and their resilience. Instead, we should encourage our kids to make decisions and act for themselves in a way that is in line with their values (and hopefully ours!). When kids feel safe and supported, and are given choice and responsibility, they build resilience.

The gift of hope

‘Hope-less kids just give up. We can teach our kids to be hope-ful. Help them find a goal and develop the plans and routes to achieve that goal. When they get stuck, teach them to tap into their resourcefulness and initiative by brainstorming new ideas and seeking new skills.

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FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE

Noticed how intolerant people are becoming?

Obviously, screens have brought with them massive issues. But the point I want to highlight here is the diminishing frustration tolerance among our children as a result of having constant entertainment at their literal fingertips.

Frustration tolerance refers to a person's ability to withstand or cope with frustrating or challenging situations without becoming overwhelmed or reacting impulsively.

It involves managing emotions, maintaining composure, and problem-solving effectively when faced with obstacles or setbacks.

People with high frustration tolerance can stay focused, persistent, and adaptable in the face of difficulties, while those with lower tolerance may struggle more to regulate their emotions and behaviours in such situations.

It can be hard to manufacture opportunities to increase frustration tolerance for our kids when the world they have grown up in has been designed to alleviate frustration at every turn.

So we need to allow them to lean into frustration wherever possible.

Here's just a few ideas on how we can do that:

Errand Time: Take them along for boring errands. Waiting in line at the store or sitting through appointments can teach them patience and how to handle waiting without getting too frustrated. WITHOUT SCREENS!

Puzzle Challenges: Work on puzzles or problem-solving activities together. This helps them practice perseverance and finding solutions when faced with challenges.

Board Games: Play board games that require waiting for their turn. This can teach them patience, turn-taking, and how to manage frustration when things don't go their way.

Art Projects: Engage in art projects that may not turn out perfectly. This teaches them that mistakes are okay and helps them develop resilience when things don't go as planned.

Outdoor Exploration: Encourage outdoor exploration and activities that might involve unexpected challenges, like building a fort or exploring nature. This helps them adapt to changing situations and learn to overcome obstacles.

An Overview of Mental Health for Family and Friends

FINDING YOUR TRIBE - Friendships for girls

Friendships are like oxygen to girls. And when that oxygen is in low supply or of bad quality our girls can really struggle.

Just like us, they crave the feeling of being part of a tribe. Having a group that they can identify with and that makes them feel like they belong is powerful. But to find out tribe, we need to know something about ourselves. It's not easy to just walk out the door and find where you fit in, especially for kids. It involves knowing who you want to be.

Kids can get so excited -- or so deeply anxious - prone -- about their friends, being popular, and the quality of their relationships that they can easily forget who they really are in their quest to be more like everyone else.

It pays to encourage some quiet introspection where your kids ask themselves the following two crucial questions:

* Do I like myself when I'm around these people?

*Do I feel like I'm being true to who I am when I'm around these people?

When your child answers yes to these questions they're probably with their tribe.

If they answer no, our compassion and support are important as they consider how to extricate themselves from less healthy relationships and move towards better ones.

On this podcast by Justin and Kylie Coulson from Happy Families, they talk and share some powerful advice for when your daughter is dealing with "mean girls" or caught in a toxic friendship group.

Podcast - https://happyfamilies.com.au/podcast/episode/964-what-to-do-about-mean-girls?ts_post_id=87997&ts_track_num=1

The Resilience Project

ABOUT THE PROGRAM -

The Resilience Project is committed to teaching positive mental health strategies to prevent mental ill-health and build young people’s capacity to deal with adversity. We will be implementing their evidence-based Teaching and Learning Program throughout our classrooms, staffroom and school community. Teachers and students will engage in weekly lessons and activities around the key principles of Gratitude, Empathy, Mindfulness (GEM) and Emotional Literacy to build resilience.

The Secret to Raising Resilient Kids: Embrace (and Model) Failure

Kids are prone to making poor choices – dropping things, drawing on the wrong things with permanent marker, being selfish and struggling to share, having meltdowns, falling over, and having bumps and bruises while playing freely.

When children are protected from failing or being disappointed – regardless if this comes from a place of love – it will come at a cost later in life when a moment of challenge or setback arrives (and it will).

Joe Brumm, the creator and animator of the award winning Australian children’s television show Bluey created an episode about the game of Pass the Parcel and the old vs new rules.

The old rules of Pass the Parcel means that there is only one winner. And learning what it feels like to lose or not get what you want is a part of becoming emotionally competent. To become emotionally buoyant we need to experience emotionally challenging moments, especially when we are younger before the limbic brain grows to be more influential.

Maggie shares why modelling failure and helping our kids embrace failure, especially in the early years will set positive foundations for how to cope with failure and build resilience not only in adolescence but in adulthood too. Maggie shares examples of games you can play to help practice failing with grace and grit.

Credit https://www.maggiedent.com/blog/the-secret-to-raising-resilient-kids-embrace-failure/

'Tis the season when Santa leaves new devices under the Christmas tree.

Every year, more new smartphones are activated on Christmas Day than any other day of the year. Many of them are unwrapped by delighted teenagers, who have been begging their parents for a phone for months (or even years). For teens, being trusted with their first smartphone, tablet, or computer can bring feelings of excitement and newfound independence. But for parents, if the situation isn’t approached thoughtfully, their teen’s new phone can be a source of conflict and harmful influences.

Thankfully, it doesn’t need to be that way. If you’re thinking about getting your child a smartphone this Christmas, here are five things you should consider:

1. Talk to your teen about the responsibility of owning a phone

For teens, a phone is a privilege, not a right. After all, every smartphone on the market today is hundreds of times more powerful than the computer that guided Apollo 11 to the moon. Alongside the ability for teens to freely text their friends, browse the web, and play mobile games comes the responsibility to make good choices online, even when they aren’t supervised. Parents should make clear that phones are neutral tools that can be used well or poorly. Children should leave the conversation confident their parents trust them, but also aware that it’s up to them to demonstrate that they deserve the privilege of having their own phone.

2. Establish clear boundaries at the beginning

NO DEVICES IN BEDROOMS OR BATHROOMS!!

For most families, it will be much easier to establish healthy tech boundaries right when their children first get a phone than to try to introduce them later, after problems arise.

For example, parents can make clear rules against using phones right before bedtime or at the dinner table. If you explain boundaries like these up front and enforce them consistently, you will quickly form positive tech habits that can last for years.

3. Re-evaluate your own tech habits

Parents need to model healthy tech habits for their children. That might mean reassessing the times and places they use their own smartphones, since children learn from and mimic the behaviours of their parents. If you’re spending every free moment scrolling Instagram, your teen will notice and think they should be, too. Plus, it will be much easier to enforce reasonable rules for your son or daughter when it’s clear that you’re trying to follow them too. You’ll come across as an ally, rather than an enemy, who aspires to have the same kind of healthy relationship with your device that you expect of them.

4. Set up parental control software

Smartphones are incredibly powerful, and for teens, learning to use one safely is a lot like learning to drive a car. A teen’s first car can provide a life-changing sense of independence and autonomy. But, as we all know, cars can also be dangerous, even when they’re used correctly. No parent in their right mind would just give their car keys to their child without first teaching them to drive. Parents should approach new devices similarly. Trusting your children with a new device can be a gradual process that doesn’t need to feel like an all-or-nothing decision.

For example, before you give your teen their first device, you can set up a customised parental control app that filters explicit content and allows parents to block particular apps. On the modern internet, age-appropriate content is intermingled with harmful content, especially pornography. Sadly, too many children are now exposed to it before they turn thirteen.

You can start with more safeguards, while your teen first gets used to their new smartphone, and gradually give them more independence as they begin to learn good habits and demonstrate responsible behaviour. With this approach, your teen’s phone can grow with them over time.

5. Set the stage for more conversations

For teens nowadays, getting their first smart device is a major milestone on the gradual journey toward becoming a responsible, well-adjusted adult. With every passing year, smart devices play a greater and greater role in adult life. For better or worse, it’s increasingly certain that many of their most meaningful personal and professional relationships will develop and take place partly online, mediated by a screen.

For your teen, getting familiar with their first smart device is just the beginning of a much longer learning process. As they spend more time online and encounter unfamiliar people and new situations, they will undoubtedly have many questions. In preparation for this, you should let your teen know that you are always available to talk, no matter the topic. It’s especially important to emphasise to them that if anything that happens online makes them feel uncomfortable or unsafe, it’s best to tell you about it right away, because you can help. That way, when uncomfortable topics like sexting and pornography (which, unfortunately, more and more children are exposed to every year) inevitably come up, they’ll feel comfortable going to you first for advice and guidance.

It’s worth mentioning that getting a new smart device is almost as significant of an event for parents as it is for children. Don’t worry if you’re feeling a little overwhelmed by the prospect of your child having free rein over their very own device – that’s totally normal. After all, you’re part of the first generation of parents ever to navigate this particular set of challenges. Unlike with other aspects of parenting, there’s no tried and true established wisdom to guide parents on how to best handle their child's developing tech habits. And on top of that, technology trends change so quickly that parents often feel they have no chance of keeping up. By the time they finally learn how Snap-chat works, for example, their children have moved on.

Fortunately, you don’t have to do everything perfectly to make a positive difference. Think of your teen’s first device as an opportunity for you to grow and learn as a parent, much like it is for your son or daughter. And remember that you’re not alone in this – many other parents with children of similar age are asking the same questions, struggling with the same decisions, and having the same doubts. Sharing your tech journey with other like-minded families can help both parents and children feel supported and encouraged. For parents, it’s reassuring to share thoughts and concerns and ask for advice from other parents with similar values. Your children will feel more confident and 'normal' when they know their peers’ families approach technology the same way their own does. Big challenges, like learning how to help the next generation live well with tech, are best addressed in community.

The bottom line is that as long as you approach the situation thoughtfully, with clear goals and a willingness to learn, there is a way forward. When it comes to helping children learn to flourish with technology, even when you’re not perfect, you can have a huge positive impact on your own children's’ lives and on your community.

Sean Clifford is a father of four and the founder and CEO of Canopy.

In this video, Justin Coulson talks about what it's like for a child with ADHD. Justin and his wife Kylie have six children, one of whom has ADHD.

POPCULTURE PARENTING PODCAST

This podcast is about finding the sweet spot between the textbooks and real life when it comes to parenting.

Dr Billy (a developmental pediatrician at The Royal Children's Hospital in Melbourne) and Nick (a developing parent) are a couple of dads having honest discussions about parenting day to day.

These guys use iconic TV and cinema scenes from the 80's & 90's to give context to Billy's parenting advice.

This link will take you to their website where there are varying parenting topics to explore!

Popculture Parenting. Happy listening!

THE RESILIENCE PROJECT

We are so thrilled to announce that in 2024 St John's will be in partnership with The Resilience Project.With special thanks to Annette at Strathbogie Shire and Ronnie at Rotary for providing funds to implement this fantastic program!

The Resilience Project delivers emotionally engaging programs and provides evidence-based, practical strategies to support positive mental health and build resilience. Presentations will include stories and research on how we can build mental health in our day to day lives, and support the mental health of the children in our care.

We understand that as primary carers, you have an essential role to play in building positive mental health with your children. Through this program, teachers and students will engage in weekly lessons and activities around the key principles of Gratitude, Empathy and Mindfulness (GEM) to build resilience. To support what we’re doing in the classroom, you will be invited to attend a webinar presentation to introduce you to The Resilience Project, build your own confidence around resilience, and give you ideas to help your children and their mental health throughout the year.

More information to come at a later date however if you are interested in finding out more,

click here

Maggie Dent talks about the challenge of self-regulation and how to help our children regulate their emotions. She outlines what helps kids with self-regulation and what doesn't.

Family separation and divorce can be very stressful for the children, young people and families, with people placed under varying degrees of stress.

How might children and young people react?

Each child or young person will respond differently to a family break up, depending on many factors such as their personality, coping style, relationship with family members, how their family is coping and the messages they receive about the separation. Children and young people from the same family may also respond differently.

Look out for changes in their normal behaviours as a guide to understanding how individuals are coping and if they need additional support.

Children

Sometimes children talk about how they are feeling, but more often it comes out in their behaviour.

Changes you might notice include:

• increased anxiety – for example, wanting to stay close to their families.

• increased anger or conflict with others.

• trying really hard to be good – for example a child may be concerned about a family member’s distress, or worry that if they misbehave, that the family member who has primary care of them will leave them too.

• protectiveness toward one parent – blaming and rejecting the other.

These are common reactions to the sense of loss and powerlessness that most children feel in these circumstances. Their feelings and reactions are likely to become more complicated when one or both parents start a new relationship.

Young People

During adolescence, young people are going through a lot of social, emotional and physical changes.

Separation and divorce can complicate these normal ups and downs. It can be hard to know whether difficult behaviour is normal teenager behaviour or whether it’s a sign a young person is struggling with the separation. It could be a combination of both.

Like children, young people may not be able to express in words their experiences or worries.

Some signs that they may need extra support include:

• behaviour, mood or personality changes (for instance, getting angry, upset or tearful more than usual.)

• not wanting to be around family members

• problems with their schoolwork

• problems with sleep (reported to you or observed through excessive tiredness in class)

• eating problems like binge eating or loss of appetite

• losing interest in activities they usually enjoy

• having problems with friends or peer groups

• taking risks like challenging school rules, shoplifting, graffiti, taking drugs or binge drinking

Tips for families

Children and young people benefit when families:

• reassure them often that they’ll will not lose the love and care of either parent.

• try to maintain normal routines as much as possible, as this helps children and young people feel safer

• understand and acknowledge that children and young people find it hard, and may react differently to other children in the family

• provide extra support before and after contact visits to help children and young people settle

• recognise that it’s likely to be difficult for children and young people when either parent starts a new relationship

• get support for themselves to help them manage the stress of separation

• recognise that if there’s ongoing conflict and hostility between family members, it’s much harder for children and young people – that their well-being suffers and they’re more likely to experience emotional or behavioural problems.

• respect their need to continue their relationship with the other parent (unless it’s unsafe), as well as with extended family such as grandparents, and support them to do so

• try to ensure that visits to the other parent are regular and predictable

• avoid criticising the other parent to children and young people – conflict with the other parent should be addressed directly with them, and should not involve the child

• allow older adolescents a more active role in the decision-making about their living arrangements.

Digital mental health – that is, online mental health supports and services – is an effective way of providing support to children and young people.

What do we mean by digital mental health?

Digital mental health refers to services delivered via digital platforms online, mobile or via the phone. It also encompasses the use of social media and online support communities, which allows people to connect with others who are going through similar experiences or who share their interests.

Digital mental health services can be accessed in a confidential way – allowing children and young people to reach out for support when they may not be able to access support in the learning environment or broader community.

Online support services have been shown to support children and young people’s learning, development, social networks, mental health and well-being.

It can also provide access to opportunities to connect with others, and gain support, through the development of new skill sets to complement and build on their existing social and emotional competencies.

Social media

Much has been written and reported about the potential risks of social media, so it’s helpful to consider the opportunities as well.

Social media can be used to:

• promote positive norms about health and well-being and enhance health promotion initiatives

• foster identity formation, community-building and creativity

• support the self-directed learning and aspirations of marginalised children and young people

• extend formal and informal knowledge networks and social support for children and young people

• build young people’s consumer and financial literacy

• promote proactive approaches to issues of risk and safety

• support family and inter generational relationships.

Different generations of people will bring different skills and knowledge to social media. When children, young people and family members use technologies to collaborate and socialise, they can find new opportunities to connect, utilise each other’s strengths and can be watchful for each other’s safety.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DEPRESSION AND FEELING DEPRESSED

You may be depressed if, for more than two weeks, you've felt sad, down or miserable most of the time, or have lost interest or pleasure in usual activities, and have also experienced several of the signs and symptoms across at least three of the categories below. It’s important to remember that we all experience some of these symptoms from time to time, and it may not necessarily mean you're depressed. Equally, not everyone who is experiencing depression will have all of these symptoms. Learn more about the signs and symptoms of depression here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-fac...

Depression is more than just feeling sad or down - it's a serious condition that affects children and young people's mood, behaviour and thoughts about themselves and the future.

What’s depression?

From time to time, everyone feels depressed, but it usually doesn’t last.
If left untreated it can have serious negative impacts on a child or young person’s wellbeing.
A diagnosis of depression is made only when the:
• depressed mood has lasted more than two weeks
• behaviour is seen in more than one situation (for example, at home and at school)
• symptoms are severe enough to limit the child or young person’s ability to cope with everyday situations or cause problems at home, at school and with friends.
Learn more about the different types of depression.

What signs should I look out for?

Depression is common but can often be missed in children and young people. When adults are depressed, feelings of sadness can be very obvious.
But in children and young people, symptoms of depression can look more like irritability, sleep changes, loss of appetite or weight loss.
Since the symptoms of depression in childhood are often negative behaviours (for example, irritability or whingeing), it’s easy for adults to feel annoyed and to blame or punish the child for their behaviour.
In adolescence, depression can be labelled as merely a ‘teenage problem’ – which can lead to other signs of depression being missed.
Unlike adults, children and young people are often unable to explain how they’re feeling, especially when depressed.

A child or young person who is depressed may:
• be irritable, easily annoyed or upset
• seem sad and cry easily
• be difficult to engage and motivate
• have difficulty concentrating in class and completing their work
• seem withdrawn and have difficulty relating to peers and educators
• have low energy
• lose interest easily in an activity they usually enjoy
• have difficulty making decisions
• make a lot of negative comments about themselves
• look for what’s wrong rather than see the positives in situations
• be very difficult to please
• have trouble sleeping or want to sleep most of the day
• experience changes in weight (including both weight loss and gain)
• withdraw from peer group activities or social situations

More information on depression

What is Autism? Autism is a different brilliant®

Autism is a condition that affects how a person thinks, feels, interacts with others, and experiences their environment. It is estimated that 1 in 70 people are on the autism spectrum.

It is a lifelong condition that starts when a person is born and stays with them into old age. Every Autistic person is different to every other. This is why autism is described as a ‘spectrum’.

Understanding autism - fact sheet

The characteristics of autism are widely varied. Autism looks very different in different children.

The Party - a virtual experience of Autism

Anxiety

Anxiety is the number one issue we deal with at school. This website is a great resource for parents, especially the Top 10 Tips for dealing with Anxiety.

Children and anxiety

Anxiety fact sheet - Beyond Blue

If you would like more information about this, please feel to contact me.

Denise :O)

PBiS - Positive Behaviours in Schools