Nikita Barber

The world I want to live in: 09/05/23.

“The world I want to live in…”  I admit,  when I heard this - this was what we had to write a speech on… I sweated a little,  and by a little, I mean A LOT. 

For days now, I’ve contemplated showing up… Easily I could’ve stayed home - came up with an excuse even! Like… like I had lost my voice! Oh well… too late for that now…Huh, the world I want to live in… what about… one where I DIDN’T have to be present? Yeah, that’d be nice… 

The world I want to live in, the world I want to live in… THE, WORLD, I, WANT, TO, LIVE, IN, is…  Something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently… not because I had to get up here or anything, of course not! It’s just…  in two years from now, I’m going to be an adult… The last thing I want is to have to deal with taxes, bills, the GOVERNMENT! In all seriousness I don’t! It terrifies me - the future… There have been nights I’ve been laying in bed, wondering, what the hell am doing… ? In no way am I ready for this… For as much as it seems like I am, I’m not… 

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I’ve always wanted to make a difference… In fact, that’s probably what scares me the most… to make a difference… and when I make a difference, will that difference be enough?

I’ve always wanted to be enough.

 But what is enough? Is it accomplishing as much as you can? Is it being famous? Is it discovering the undiscoverable? 

No.

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Now that I’m getting older, I think - I think being here is enough, obviously accomplishing as much as I can, being famous, discovering the undiscoverable is great, but…

To be sad, mad… to cry… to scream to feel- to feel that raw emotion… to experience what it means to be human to human… is enough.

No matter how hard we wish there will always be good… there always be bad…  albeit, that is what makes our world… perfect, for imperfect as it is. 

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A lot of us like to imagine what the world can be, in spite of the way it is… 

However, by acknowledging the way it is, can we start to see the value that is already there.

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…The world I want to live in…  is the world I’m living in now, because the world I’m living in now lets me be enough…

Crazy… am I right? Just, hear me out… please…

The world I’m living in now lets me make mistakes - mistakes I can take away from.

The world I’m living in now, I’m suffering from mentally… you know? There was a quote that stuck out to me, a few months ago, it’s from Hadestown, great musical! …Besides the point, I’d like share it with you:

The meanest dog you'll ever meet,

Ain't the hound dog in the street.

Which bare some teeth and tears some skin,

That’s the worst of him.

The dog you’ve really got to dread,

Is the one that howls inside your head.

It's him whose howling drives men mad,

And a mind to its undoing.

…I APPRECIATE the stuffering, because the suffering has opened my eyes up to a lot of amazing people, which I wouldn’t have otherwise met  if I hadn’t gone through what I’d gone through.

Yeah… the world I want to live in, is the world I’m living in now.

Eventually you learn that not all of those monsters are bad.

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