Wellbeing

Supporting Big Feelings: Emotion Coaching at School and Home

At school, we see children experience big feelings every day, frustration, disappointment, excitement, worry, pride and sometimes sadness. These emotions are a normal and important part of growing up. How we respond to them, as teachers and parents, helps shape how children learn to manage their feelings, connect with others and build resilience.

Often, when children are upset, our instinct is to fix it, to comfort, distract or solve the problem. This comes from love and the desire to protect them from pain. But in doing so, we sometimes miss a powerful opportunity to help them learn emotional regulation and build resilience.

When children are upset, their “thinking brain” (the prefrontal cortex) isn’t fully online. Jumping straight to logic (“You’ll be fine,” “It’s not a big deal,” “Just try again”) doesn’t work because they can’t reason while their emotions are heightened.

What they need first is connection, a calm, attuned adult who helps them feel safe enough to settle.

As we often say, “Children borrow our calm until they can find their own.”

This is where emotion coaching comes in. It’s a simple but powerful framework that helps adults guide children through strong emotions without rescuing or dismissing them.

The Emotion Coaching Steps

Pause and Breathe: Take a moment to calm yourself and your child. Co-regulation comes first, your calm presence helps their nervous system settle.(This step may take one minute or fifteen, every child and every emotion is different.)
Name the Feeling: Put words to what your child might be experiencing: “You’re feeling really disappointed,” or “That made you angry.” Naming the feeling helps the child connect what’s happening in their body to language, the first step in self-awareness.
Validate: Let them know their feeling makes sense: “I can see why you’d feel that way,” or “It’s okay to feel upset about this.” Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with their behaviour, it means acknowledging the emotion underneath.
Brainstorm Options: Once they’re calm and their thinking brain is back online, explore what could help next time. (“What could you do if that happens again?” “How might you fix this?”)
Choose and Try: Support them to take a small, positive step, even if it’s imperfect. Effort and reflection are where resilience grows.
Reflect and Reconnect: Talk about what worked, what didn’t and remind them: “You managed that big feeling. You found a way through.”
Repair (for the grown-ups): Even with the best intentions, we all lose our cool sometimes. What matters most is what happens next.A simple repair might sound like: “I was feeling really frustrated and raised my voice. I’m sorry. Let’s try again.”
Repair teaches children that relationships can recover and that mistakes can be mended with care and honesty.

Why This Matters

Research on attachment and emotion coaching (Gottman, Katz & Hooven, 1997) shows that children whose emotions are acknowledged and supported develop stronger emotional awareness, empathy and problem-solving skills. Neuroscience also tells us that repeated moments of co-regulation strengthen the neural pathways that help children manage stress and build resilience over time.

Each time a child moves through this process, feeling, calming, thinking and reflecting their brain learns that emotions are not something to fear or avoid, but signals to be understood and managed.

At school, our teachers use these same principles in classrooms, noticing patterns, connecting before correcting and helping children feel safe enough to learn. We encourage you to try these strategies at home to and remember: it’s not about perfection, but presence.

Reflection Questions for Home

How does my child show big feelings?
What helps them calm down - comfort, space, structure or connection?
How do I usually respond - with comfort, logic or by rescuing?
How might I model calm and connection first?

It’s not about blame; it’s about awareness.When we understand our own patterns and choose connection first, we teach our children that all feelings are valid and that with support, they can find their way through them.

Paddy and Julie