Michael Grose - Parenting Toolbox

So, your child argues with you. Here’s what to do.

How to successfully respond when kids argue without tears, fears or cauliflower ears.

MICHAEL GROSE

Most parents aren’t equipped to handle an argumentative child or teen. We view their behaviour as disrespectful—behaviour unbecoming of our beloved child. 

It’s a parenting paradox that we want kids to be assertive at school but acquiescent and cooperative at home. 

Kids practise on their parents.

It's important to remember that kids need to practise their assertiveness somewhere. This is a crucial part of their development and a sign that they are learning to navigate the world around them. 

There is no safer and more nurturing place than their family for them to learn this vital life skill. 

So, there is a tension between nurturing their assertiveness and expecting cooperative behaviour at home. That’s why it’s essential to build a bigger communication toolbox.

Build your communication toolbox.

Diversifying your communication toolbox is essential for successfully managing an argumentative child or teen.

Here are five tools that will help you:

1. Follow your instincts. 

What does your gut instinct tell you about your child’s arguing?

If you feel annoyed when they argue, they want your attention. 

•              Don’t provide B-grade attention by arguing; instead, disengage. Ignore. Step away. Distract yourself.

If you feel angry, then you’re in a power play. Again, don’t argue back, but be ready for the arguing to intensify. 

•              Your child wants to win. Disengage. If you don’t, you're locked in a power play and want to win.

If you continue to argue, you will no longer be arguing about the original issue (which may have been going to bed on time). 

Winning becomes the new issue.

You're stuck in a feedback loop with your child. 

Good luck with that!

2. Watch your language.

Parents who continually use coercive language (“Do this.” “I want it done now.” “Because I say.”) generally find that their kids will withhold their cooperation at some point. For some kids coercive language is an invitation to argue or procrastinate (“I’ll go to bed, but I’ll do it my own time.”)

Take a different tack. 

Tell your kids what you will do. (“I’m putting the meal on the table.” “I’ll say good night in five minutes.” “I’ll be going out the drive for school in five minutes.”) 

Then do what you say. This stops the power play in its tracks.

You don't need to say anything else.

3. Go visual. 

Use rosters, reminder charts, facial expressions, and other nonverbal methods to reinforce routines rather than constantly reminding kids (with your voice) about their behaviours. 

When you want something done, refer to the roster. “Whose turn is it to empty the dishwasher?” 

Don’t give your kids the chance to argue with you. 

Save your words for teaching and relationship-building.

4. Discover your inner cat. 

I’ve written extensively about this in Anxious Kids and Spoonfed Generation, but here’s a quick recap. 

There are two sides to us as parents- the credible, firmer side (the cat) and the relationship-building, softer side (the dog). 

When the cat speaks, your voice is flat and low, your head and body stay still, and you don’t smile. 

When the dog speaks, your voice goes high, your body leans in, and your face moves ( smiles, scrunches, eyes widen, etc). 

Try saying, “I want you to set the table, please,” as a cat or a dog and see which way your child understands that you mean what you say. 

Use your inner cat when you want cooperation. It works. Every. Single. Time.

5. Refuse to argue. 

Kids don’t act in a vacuum. 

They generally argue with you because they know that they will get a response and that arguing will get them what they want. 

Eventually.

Do as my wife does when I want to argue - respectfully find an excuse to go to another room and walk away. 

Doh! I’m left to argue with myself, and that’s no fun.

Sometimes, a child’s out-of-character arguing is a message. 

Out-of-character behaviors (such as out-of-character arguing) may indicate that things aren’t going well for them, so be mindful when considering how to respond. 

Follow your instincts, and you’ll be fine.

Parenting is never cookie-cutter. “When your child does this, you do that” approaches don’t work. Common sense and intuition does.

Putting it into practice.

Which of these ideas make sense? Which sings out, “Try me”?

If you want to try one of these tools, think through your response and practise it daily in low or no-stress situations. 

Behaviour rehearsal is powerful. Regular practice helps a new technique become automatic.

Think, Rehearse, and Go Small is how to build a better parenting toolbox.