Building our Community

Managing Sibling Conflict

"Let's have more kids", I said... "It'll be easier when they have someone to play with", I said... 

Sibling conflict eh… being a parent with more than 1 kiddo is FULL of conflict isn’t it?

Sometimes being a parent feels like being a referee with having to make calls around what is ‘fair’ or ‘right’… with limited information. 

Here are some ideas to try to help prevent and work through sibling conflict when it inevitably comes up…

Labelled Praise & Strengths-based Attention: 

Intentionally look for opportunities to praise your kids when they are cooperating and getting along. Be specific what you are praising them for. For example, “Wow, I love how you two are both coming up with ideas, sharing the Lego pieces, and building that amazing Lego city together!” 

Schedule 1:1 Time: 

It is SO special for each child (and yourselves) to have dedicated 1:1 time with your children. ‘Mum or Dad dates’ can include something as small as going grocery shopping together or something bigger such as going to the movies or a café. No matter the chosen activity, it’s about the 1:1 time and focused attention with you and your child. Take a photo to remind your child and yourself about that special time. 

Rules & Expectations: 

As a family, agree upon some clear rules and expectations around how everyone treats each other. Consistency is key. If you do think rules need to change (different expectations with age for example), first discuss this as a couple/have this clear in your mind before sharing with your kids. 

Family Chats: 

Schedule and have regular family chats. Talk about the wins/good parts/strengths and things that are tricky. I’ve found it’s always helpful to do this over a meal and afterwards doing something fun together as a family (e.g., card game/board game/silly tricks on the trampoline).

Solve Problems Together:

If you notice (or hear very loudly!) arguments between your children, quietly walk over, physically get to their level and explicitly problem solve the situation together. Allow both to share their feelings and validate these feelings and share ideas on how to move forward. 

Staggered Bedtimes: 

Consider having a staggered bedtime with your kids with age differences, so each child has 1:1 attention time built into their bedtime routine. 

Demonstrate Healthy Conflict/Problem Solving: 

Yes, you read that right. Showing your kids how to disagree is both powerful and helpful. This also includes showing how to ask for and give forgiveness. And let’s be honest…there’s probably lots of opportunities to show them this with your spouse or close family member 😉. Kids are like sponges and learn so much by observing others around them.

Break Time: 

As the advertisement encourages us… ’Take a break...Have a Kit Kat’. Sometimes when emotions are SO high it is not the time to problem solve. The first priority is getting back to calm… allowing that big feelings storm to pass. It’s important to use language like ‘Let’s take a break to try and calm our feelings storm’ vs it feeling like a consequence such as ‘time out’. The purpose of the break is to get to calm. Strategies that lead to calm may look different for each kid, some examples include snuggling a loved teddy bear, colouring in, lying outside on the trampoline and more!

Remember, its completely normal and expected for arguments and conflict to occur between siblings (and us grownups!). Keep trying some strategies whilst giving yourself, partner/spouse and kids an extra dollop of grace.

If it all becomes too overwhelming and your own wellbeing is being impacted, reach out to a trusted friend and even consider talking with a professional... As they say, 'It takes a village to raise a child'.

Also never forget to tap into some extra love, grace and wisdom from our Heavenly Father.

Bonnie Evans

Secondary Wellbeing Coordinator & Psychologist