Wellbeing Insights

Helping kids learn self-control.  It can be taught!

We often talk about self-control like it’s something you either have or you don’t. “She’s got great self-control.” “He just can’t help himself.” But the truth is this: self-control isn’t fixed. It’s not an innate trait reserved for the fortunate few. It’s a skill — and like any skill, it can be taught, practiced, and strengthened over time.

In a conversation I had with Professor Ethan Kross, one of the world’s leading researchers on emotion and self-control, we explored what science tells us about how self-control works — and how we can help our kids develop it.  Here’s what you need to know.

Self-Control Is About Aligning With Our Goals

Self-control is the ability to align our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours with our goals. For children, this might look like waiting patiently, resisting the urge to interrupt, or managing frustration when things don’t go their way. And while it’s true that some kids are naturally more impulsive than others, every child can learn tools to regulate themselves better.

The Marshmallow Test… And What It Missed

You may have heard of the famous marshmallow experiment. A child is given a choice: one marshmallow now, or two if they can wait. It’s often used as a measure of willpower or future success. But that’s a misunderstanding. The big takeaway isn’t about whether a child eats the marshmallow. It’s about the strategies children use to resist the temptation.

Some kids sing to themselves. Others cover their eyes or pretend the marshmallow is something else. These strategies — what psychologists call “self-distancing” or “cognitive reframing” — are powerful tools that anyone can learn.

And here’s the really good news: we can teach our children these tools.

Three Simple Strategies to Teach Self-Control

If you’ve got a child in the early years of school (roughly 4–8 years old), here are three evidence-based strategies that can make a real difference:

1. Distraction Works Wonders  When something is tempting, help your child focus their attention elsewhere. That might mean covering up a treat, offering a different activity (like a puzzle or drawing), or simply shifting the conversation. Out of sight, out of mind is real — especially for kids.
2. Reframe the Temptation. Teach your child to change how they think about something they want. If they’re staring down a lolly jar, ask, “What if that lolly was covered in dirt?” Or get playful: “Imagine that marshmallow is actually a fluffy pillow.” These small shifts help reduce the emotional pull.
3. The Batman Effect. This one’s a favourite. Invite your child to imagine they are someone else — someone strong, calm, and in control. “What would Batman do right now?” Studies show that when kids take on a superhero persona, they’re more likely to resist temptation and stay focused.

Self-Control Isn’t Always Good

Here’s something we don’t talk about enough: too much self-control can be just as harmful as too little. When kids (or adults) become rigid, overly focused, or emotionally bottled up, they may miss out on joy, creativity, and connection.

Balance is key. Yes, we want our children to learn to regulate themselves. But we also want them to be flexible, spontaneous, and happy. Teaching self-control should never mean pushing children to be perfect or emotionless. It should mean helping them find calm, clarity, and the capacity to choose well — more often than not.

Parents, This Applies to Us Too

Let’s be honest: self-control isn’t just a kid thing. Whether it’s yelling when we’re tired, reaching for that extra block of chocolate, or losing our cool in the carpark — we all need strategies. Dr. Kross shared three of his favourites that parents can use when the pressure’s rising:

• Use your name (self-talk): “Justin, you’ve got this. Stay calm.”
• Think ahead: “Will this still matter tomorrow?”
• Get into nature: A short walk in the fresh air can reset your whole nervous system.

One Last Thing

Perhaps the most powerful message from the science is this: we don’t need to be perfect — and neither do our kids. We just need to be intentional. We need to build a family culture where self-control is modelled, supported, and taught with compassion.

So, the next time your child struggles to wait, stay calm, or hold it together, don’t panic. Pause. Breathe. Then gently teach them a new skill. It may take time, but they can learn. And you’re the best teacher they’ll ever have.

Author

Dr Justin Coulson

Dr Justin Coulson is a dad to 6 daughters and grandfather to 1 granddaughter. He is the parenting expert and co-host of Channel 9’s Parental Guidance, and he and his wife host Australia’s #1 podcast for parents and family: The Happy Families podcast. He has written 9 books about families and parenting. For further details visit www.happyfamilies.com.au.