Wellbeing Insights
Author: Dr. Justin Coulson
Wellbeing Insights
Author: Dr. Justin Coulson
We often talk about self-control like it’s something you either have or you don’t. “She’s got great self-control.” “He just can’t help himself.” But the truth is this: self-control isn’t fixed. It’s not an innate trait reserved for the fortunate few. It’s a skill — and like any skill, it can be taught, practiced, and strengthened over time.
In a conversation I had with Professor Ethan Kross, one of the world’s leading researchers on emotion and self-control, we explored what science tells us about how self-control works — and how we can help our kids develop it. Here’s what you need to know.
Self-Control Is About Aligning With Our Goals
Self-control is the ability to align our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours with our goals. For children, this might look like waiting patiently, resisting the urge to interrupt, or managing frustration when things don’t go their way. And while it’s true that some kids are naturally more impulsive than others, every child can learn tools to regulate themselves better.
The Marshmallow Test… And What It Missed
You may have heard of the famous marshmallow experiment. A child is given a choice: one marshmallow now, or two if they can wait. It’s often used as a measure of willpower or future success. But that’s a misunderstanding. The big takeaway isn’t about whether a child eats the marshmallow. It’s about the strategies children use to resist the temptation.
Some kids sing to themselves. Others cover their eyes or pretend the marshmallow is something else. These strategies — what psychologists call “self-distancing” or “cognitive reframing” — are powerful tools that anyone can learn.
And here’s the really good news: we can teach our children these tools.
Three Simple Strategies to Teach Self-Control
If you’ve got a child in the early years of school (roughly 4–8 years old), here are three evidence-based strategies that can make a real difference:
Self-Control Isn’t Always Good
Here’s something we don’t talk about enough: too much self-control can be just as harmful as too little. When kids (or adults) become rigid, overly focused, or emotionally bottled up, they may miss out on joy, creativity, and connection.
Balance is key. Yes, we want our children to learn to regulate themselves. But we also want them to be flexible, spontaneous, and happy. Teaching self-control should never mean pushing children to be perfect or emotionless. It should mean helping them find calm, clarity, and the capacity to choose well — more often than not.
Parents, This Applies to Us Too
Let’s be honest: self-control isn’t just a kid thing. Whether it’s yelling when we’re tired, reaching for that extra block of chocolate, or losing our cool in the carpark — we all need strategies. Dr. Kross shared three of his favourites that parents can use when the pressure’s rising:
One Last Thing
Perhaps the most powerful message from the science is this: we don’t need to be perfect — and neither do our kids. We just need to be intentional. We need to build a family culture where self-control is modelled, supported, and taught with compassion.
So, the next time your child struggles to wait, stay calm, or hold it together, don’t panic. Pause. Breathe. Then gently teach them a new skill. It may take time, but they can learn. And you’re the best teacher they’ll ever have.
Author
Dr Justin Coulson
Dr Justin Coulson is a dad to 6 daughters and grandfather to 1 granddaughter. He is the parenting expert and co-host of Channel 9’s Parental Guidance, and he and his wife host Australia’s #1 podcast for parents and family: The Happy Families podcast. He has written 9 books about families and parenting. For further details visit www.happyfamilies.com.au.