College Counsellor

The Secret to Co-Regulation

The following is from Dr Justin Coulson’s One-Minute Wellbeing and is used with permission. Find out more at www.happyfamilies.com.au

Our default response to our students’ (and children’s) dysregulated (or very big) emotions tends to be shutting it down (“Stop it,” “Calm down”), reassuring (“You’ll be fine”), requiring communication (“Use your words”) or offering advice (“Just listen to me!”). Experienced teachers know these strategies are ineffective – but often still try them anyway.

Imagine a train entering a long, deep tunnel. Would you worriedly watch the train

disappear into the dark and then use dynamite and diggers to make a hole in the top of

the mountain so you could drag that train out of the dark? Of course not. This approach

would simply make a mess. You don’t need to intervene. The train’s coming out of the

tunnel at the other end. That’s how it works. 

Emotions are the same (when they’re functioning in healthy ways).

To help students regulate their emotions, try these ideas:

• Stay calm and balanced yourself.
• Use emotion-labelling tools (like an emotion chart) to connect and understand
• each other better.
• Ask, “Do you want to talk, or do you prefer some space?”
• Encourage them to breathe (5 seconds in, hold for 5, and 5 seconds out).
• Get them active.
• Take them outside for some time in nature
• For younger children, invite them to draw their emotions. Distraction can help too.

Don’t try to fix everything until the emotion passes. Once it does, problem-solve

together. These emotions are normal and part of being human. Learning to regulate

them is a long process, even for adults.

Let’s talk about it!

▶ What strategies do you use to help your children calm down, and how do they align with staying calm and using emotion labels?

▶ Can you think of a time when you let your child’s emotions pass before addressing the issue? What happened, and what did you learn?