Student Wellbeing
Dealing with Disappointment
No one wants to see their child hurting, and as parents, we often go to great lengths to protect them from pain. However, disappointment is an inevitable part of life, and learning to deal with it is a crucial skill for children. While our first instinct may be to comfort them quickly or try to fix the situation, shielding them from disappointment can actually prevent them from developing resilience and the confidence that they can overcome setbacks.
Disappointments will look different for each child, but by helping them understand that these feelings are part of life, we give them the tools to process emotions in a healthy way. Validating their feelings without rushing to solve the problem can make a big difference. Showing empathy, listening patiently, and helping them see setbacks as temporary all contribute to building resilience. This foundation will serve them well as they grow into adults who can face challenges with strength.
Validate the Feeling and Wait: It’s important to give children space to experience and express their emotions. By acknowledging their feelings and being present with them during tough moments, you help them understand that it’s okay to feel upset. Instead of rushing to fix the problem, simply sitting with them and listening can lead to meaningful learning moments. When children feel heard and understood, they’re more likely to express their emotions in a healthy way, learning that emotions, especially difficult ones, are part of life.
Praise the Effort: Rather than focusing solely on outcomes, praise your child’s effort. When children understand that their worth is tied to their effort, perseverance, and character rather than their success or failure, they become more willing to take risks and try again after setbacks. Highlighting the courage to attempt something difficult and emphasising their hard work helps foster a growth mindset. It shows them that setbacks are opportunities to learn and grow, not reflections of their value.
Help Them Find Something They’re Good At: Disappointment often arises when children feel they’re not as good as their peers, perhaps your child didn’t make the team or wasn’t invited to join a club. Encourage them to see this as an opportunity for growth. Help them identify something they can excel at, based on their interests and strengths. Success doesn’t always mean "winning" but finding a path that matches their unique abilities and motivations.
Teach Self-Calming Techniques: There’s a book called Dealing with Disappointment: Helping Kids Cope When Things Don’t Go Their Way by Elizabeth Crary that offers valuable self-calming techniques for children. Crary recommends one self-calming tool for each year of a child's age, up to 12. Here are examples from various categories:
- Physical: Activities like running, dancing, or jumping help release pent-up energy.
- Auditory/Verbal: Encourage positive self-talk or talking through feelings with someone who listens.
- Visual: Reading a calming book or looking outside can help children detach from their feelings of disappointment.
- Creative: Drawing or making something can help children express emotions and distract them.
- Self-Calming: A hug, a drink of water, or a warm bath can offer comfort.
- Humour: Watching a funny movie or finding humour in the situation can help shift their perspective.
Prepare for the Next Time: Once your child has navigated a disappointment, use the experience to brainstorm how they can approach the next challenge. If your child didn’t earn a role in a school play, encourage them to ask for feedback and set specific goals for the next opportunity. Celebrate their progress, no matter how small, to reinforce that setbacks are part of the learning process.
Remember, disappointments are a natural part of life, and by helping our children face them with resilience and a positive attitude, we’re preparing them for success. Thank you for your continued support and for helping your children grow strong, confident, and capable.