Head of Students News

It has been an interesting start to the year and particularly given the Government’s Social Media ban that now seems like something in the distant past, I read an article written by a former colleague and current Deputy Principal at St Alban’s College in South Africa, Mr Kevin Leathem, who articulates ways we can engage with our boys around phone usage better than I ever could, I share his article with you below:

Raising Boys in a World that Never Goes Off

By Kevin Leathem (Kevin Leathem | LinkedIn)

My son got his first phone at the end of his primary school years. I had known this day was coming for years. I still felt unprepared when it arrived. Within a week I realised something uncomfortable. Nothing dramatic had happened, and yet something fundamental had changed. His social world no longer ended when he walked through our front door.

My life is now punctuated by the constant buzzing of WhatsApp notifications from a phone that's not in my pocket – and if I’m honest, I’m terrified. Not because I think our boys are reckless or immoral, and not because technology itself is evil. I am frightened because I can see how powerful this is for them. The phone is not simply a device they use. It is the place where belonging now lives, self-expression blossoms, and where exclusion now happens in real time.

When I was a boy, friendships had edges. You went home after school. Arguments and disagreements were paused and given time to cool. A bad joke disappeared into the air. Embarrassment faded by the next day. Our sons do not have that mercy. Their social world continues at 9:30pm, at 11:45pm and sometimes at 3:15am.

My own mistakes were real, and they mattered, but they were contained. A foolish comment, a moment of immaturity, even a dropped catch or a missed penalty lived among the people who were there and then slowly passed. Now it can be photographed, clipped from SuperSport Schools, forwarded, screenshotted and shared far beyond the moment in which it happened. Adolescence has always required correction and growth. It also required space to learn. Technology has quietly reduced that space.

And when every moment feels potentially public, reputation begins to matter enormously. Boys become careful not only about what they do, but about how they are seen. Research into boys’ friendships consistently shows that younger boys speak openly about caring deeply for their friends. The desire for closeness does not disappear, but the permission to show it often does. Much of what we see online is therefore not confidence. It is fear of appearing vulnerable. The group chat becomes the stage on which boys perform toughness for one another while privately still wanting loyalty and acceptance. As they grow older, many begin to hide that tenderness behind banter, mockery and performance. This helps explain something parents frequently tell me. “My son is kind in person. I do not recognise him in the messages.” In many cases both are true. We see it most starkly when screenshots of group chats appear in disciplinary meetings. The boy sitting in front of us is often thoughtful, embarrassed, and deeply remorseful. The version of him on the screen was performing for an audience.

Adolescents are neurologically highly sensitive to peer approval. A notification is not merely a distraction. To a teenage brain it feels closer to someone calling his name across a crowded room. Ignoring it requires more than discipline. It requires maturity he is still developing.

A large proportion of the pastoral issues schools now deal with either begin online or escalate online, even when the original disagreement happened face to face. Group chats in particular are not trivial spaces. They are unsupervised common rooms operating around the clock.

Parents often imagine two roles in these situations, the bully and the victim. In reality there are four: the instigator, the amplifier, the silent witness and the target. Silence in a peer group is interpreted as approval. A boy does not need to send the cruel message to participate in cruelty. Remaining present, benefiting socially and allowing it to continue sustains the behaviour.

This becomes especially complicated in class, house or sports team chats. Strong hierarchies, humour and the desire to belong easily produce language that humiliates weaker players or uses homophobic insults as banter. Belonging built on someone else’s humiliation is not team culture. It is also not a rehearsal for bullying – it is bullying. Many boys dislike it, but leaving a group chat carries a real social cost. When we ask a boy to step away we are asking for courage, not simply obedience. This is a big ask – one that some boys find impossible.

Another area where boys need guidance is how they speak romantically online. Digital distance lowers empathy. Private messages are shared. Photos are forwarded. Contact details are passed on without permission. Many boys genuinely do not see forwarding as participation. Yet if it was not yours to create, it is not yours to circulate. Privacy is part of respect.

I do not believe the answer is withdrawal from the digital world. For our sons, this is where invitations are issued, friendships maintained and social life negotiated. The task is not removal but formation. We are trying to raise young men who can live in a connected world without being ruled by it.

So what can parents do?

Don’t stop talking to your boys. You remain best placed to have these discussions. There is one place where these conversations often happen more easily than anywhere else: the drive home. Sitting side by side lowers the pressure. A boy does not feel examined, and he does not need to make eye contact while thinking. The journey has a natural time limit and so the conversation feels safe. I would encourage parents to protect that space – and not just for this conversation. Do not immediately surrender it to headphones and silence. Those twenty minutes may be the most reliable window you have into his world. You are not aiming for a lecture. You are simply keeping a door open.

Ask about the world before you ask about him.

You might begin with: “What kind of stuff actually gets sent on the group chats?” Expect “just memes” or “nothing”. Do not challenge immediately. Instead ask, “When does it start going too far?” or “Do people ever get singled out?” You are not seeking a confession. You are learning the rules of his environment.

You could then ask: “Are there any groups you’d like to leave but can’t?” Many will admit you can mute it but leaving is noticed. That is the moment to say quietly, “I imagine it is hard to be the one who stops laughing.” You are giving him permission to have a conscience without embarrassment.

A third question: “What do you think boys get wrong when they message girls?” The answers are often more perceptive than we expect. From there you can add a simple principle: if someone trusts you with a message or a photo, protecting it is part of your character.

If your son says something that worries you, resist the understandable urge to react immediately. Your first response determines whether he will speak honestly again. Calm keeps the door open. Overreaction closes it. One short sentence of value is often enough: you never have to be impressive at the cost of being kind.

We should also not underestimate practical boundaries. Adolescent sleep research consistently shows that phones in bedrooms disrupt both sleep and mood. This is not only about screen light but about social vigilance. Boys remain psychologically on call. Charging phones overnight outside bedrooms is not a punishment. It is a health measure.

Please also know you are not expected to manage this alone. If a conversation raises concerns or you are unsure how to respond, contact your son’s tutor and we will walk alongside you. Our first response is pastoral support. Early, calm intervention almost always helps boys learn and repair far better than late disciplinary action.

I began by admitting some fear. I still feel it. But I am also hopeful. Most boys are not trying to be harmful. They are trying to belong. With steady guidance from both home and school they can learn that belonging and decency are not in conflict.

We are not trying to monitor every message they send. We are trying to help them become the kind of men who, when nobody is watching, choose respect anyway.