Wellbeing - 

Anxiety Article 3

The next article in the series dealing with Anxiety, written by Australian Child Psychologist, Michael Hawton, Child Psychologist (MAPS) and Parentshop founder.

(For Articles 1 & 2, please refer to July & August editions of the newsletter). 

When your child brings you a school problem: To intervene or not to intervene?

Every parent knows this scenario: your child comes home upset about a school problem—being excluded from a group project, receiving an unfair detention, or friendship troubles. Their distress is genuine, and your instinct is to protect and fix things. But should you?

School leaders across Australia report a significant increase in parental interventions over seemingly minor issues. This isn't just helicopter parenting—it reflects our heightened awareness of potential problems and anxiety about our children's wellbeing. However, this vigilance may inadvertently undermine our children's resilience and problem-solving abilities.

Research by Dr. Eli Lebowitz and his colleagues at Yale Child Study Center has shed fascinating light on what happens when parents consistently step in to alleviate their children's distress. This behaviour, known as "accommodation," involves changing our own actions to prevent or reduce our child's anxiety or discomfort.[1]

When parents immediately contact schools about conflicts, request teacher changes, or remove children from uncomfortable situations, we unintentionally communicate: "This situation is too difficult for you to handle." Research shows this can inadvertently maintain and increase childhood anxiety over time[2].

The challenge is being supportive without accommodating. Instead of saying, "Don't worry, I'll speak to your teacher about that detention," try: "That sounds frustrating. What do you think your options might be?" This acknowledges their distress while empowering them to develop coping strategies.

A 5-step framework for decision-making for parents

1. Assess safety: If your child faces physical danger or serious psychological harm (persistent bullying, discrimination), immediate intervention is appropriate.

2. Apply the "what if" test: Ask yourself what would happen if you didn't intervene. Often, your child might feel uncomfortable but isn't in genuine danger.

3. Consider the learning opportunity: Could this situation help develop important life skills like disappointment management, conflict resolution, or self-advocacy?

4. Check your emotions: Approach the situation with "caring detachment"—caring for your child's distress without becoming distressed yourself.

5. Evaluate patterns: Is this part of a recurring pattern where you consistently solve problems your child could handle?

When choosing not to intervene directly, you're providing something valuable: the opportunity to develop coping capacity. Here's how to support effectively:

• Listen without immediately problem-solving: Sometimes children need to be heard more than they need problems fixed.

• Ask curious questions: "What do you think might work?" helps children think broadly about options.

• Acknowledge feelings: "I can see this is bothering you" validates their experience without agreeing intervention is necessary.

• Share confidence: "This is tricky, but I believe you can work through it" communicates faith in their capabilities.

Sometimes working with schools is essential. The key is involving your child in the process: "I think this warrants a conversation with your teacher. Would you like to speak to them first, or shall we arrange a meeting together?" This maintains your child's agency while providing necessary support.

Parenting isn't about ensuring children never face difficulties—it's about preparing them to navigate challenges with confidence. Every time we resist immediately fixing a problem our child could handle, we make a deposit in their confidence bank.

The most loving thing we can do is believe in our children's capacity to cope, even when they don't yet believe in it themselves. By supporting without accommodating, we help them develop the resilience they'll need throughout life.

To learn more about supporting your child's emotional development and building resilience, explore our resources at Parentshop - https://www.parentshop.com.au/for-parents/. 

Michael Hawton is founder of Parentshop, providing education and resources for parents and industry professionals working with children. He has authored two books on child behaviour management: Talk Less Listen More and Engaging Adolescents. You can find more information, including his books and self-paced online parenting courses at https://www.parentshop.com.au/parent-courses/

[1] Lebowitz, E. R., Woolston, J., Bar-Haim, Y., Calvocoressi, L., Davenport, T., Hunter, L., ... & Leckman, J. F. (2013). Family accommodation in pediatric anxiety disorders. Depression and Anxiety, 30(1), 47-54. https://doi.org/10.1002/da.21998

[2] Lebowitz, E. R., Panza, K. E., Su, J., & Bloch, M. H. (2012). Family accommodation in obsessive-compulsive disorder. Expert Review of Neurotherapeutics, 12(2), 229-238. https://doi.org/10.1586/ern.11.200