Chaplains Chat 

Can your child count on you to support them in tough times?

It has been more than a year since the global pandemic upended every aspect of our lives – the way we work and learn, and how we communicate and connect with others.  Even with the vaccination program being rolled out, it will still take some time before we are completely out of the woods and doing life in a “new normal”.   As parents, even as you learn to cope with uncertainty in a volatile world, your children want to know that they can count on you to hold their hands as they continue to ride the roller coaster of change in this ongoing pandemic.

How can you raise your children to be mentally strong and resilient?

What are some practical strategies you can implement to provide extra support to your children?

Teach them to identify “thinking traps”

Help your child understand that their thinking affects how they feel and behave.  It is not the event per se that causes emotional issues but the meaning they put into these events that causes difficulties.

Recognise the following “thinking traps” or unproductive thoughts that give them the B.L.U.E.S and help them reframe situations. Talk to your child about taking responsibility for the things that are with their control, and brainstorm ways to achieve a different outcome.

B - Blaming others for what had happened

It is easy to blame others when things do not go our way.  Talk to your child about taking responsibility for the things that are within their control, and brainstorm ways to achieve a different outcome. 

L - Looking at the negatives and discounting the positives

If your child  is inclined to adopt “the glass is half empty” position, they would screen out the good things that had happened and only focus on the bad.

Help your child see the good: Ask your child to point out at least one good thing out of the negatives. Ask: “What skills did you learn through Home Based Learning?”  Help your child realise that there is a silver lining even in the darkest clouds.

U - Unhelpful prophesying or prediction

When your child tends to predict the worst-case scenarios, ask them for evidence to support their prediction.  If it is within their control, help them to think of ways they can rise to the challenges or find solutions to their difficulties.  Help your child realise that one’s feelings do not always accurately reflect reality.

E - Emotional reasoning

It is not uncommon for children to assess situations based on their feelings instead of what is truly happening.  When they feel powerless and trapped because they are missing out on their social activities, they may begin to think that life is like a prison, and that they are powerless to do anything.  Help your child realise that one’s feelings do not always accurately reflect reality.   Having a list of strict rules about how your child or others should feel or behave can trigger anger, anxiety, or guilt when these expectations are not met.

S – ‘Should/Must’ statements

Help your child recognise the need for flexibility when adhering to rules.   Assist them to learn to manage expectations, as unrealistic expectations that go unmet may trigger intense and negative emotions.

Maintain a daily routine and structure

Maintaining a daily routine especially when home-based learning and working from home is the default arrangement provides a sense of security and stability for all the family.  Involve your child when creating these routines. Your child is more likely to follow the schedule if they have ownership of it.  Convey to them the benefits of structures and routines and that these can be reviewed when circumstances or situations change.

Have open and honest conversations about the pandemic

With easy access to information on the internet, your child may be bombarded with information about the ongoing pandemic situation.  There is a malady of misinformation and “fake news” so make time to have candid conversations and to tune in to their concerns. Involve them by researching together about any questions they may have. 

Reach out with empathy and understanding

Even if your child does not show any symptoms that are concerning or they seem to be coping well with the uncertainty and changes, it is good to check in regularly.  Showing your care and love simply by asking “How are you doing?” and extending a listening ear when your child wants to talk, goes a long way to boost their wellbeing.  If your child is feeling anxious and worried, try to understand the contributing factors for their stress or anxiety. Ask questions such as:

• What are the thoughts dominating your mind?
• Is something specific causing you to worry?   Or is it things in general?
• How is their anxiety affecting them physically and emotionally?

Do not dismiss their concerns even if you think they are inconsequential.

Do validate his/her feelings.

Exhibiting mental strength does not mean you tough it out with a stiff upper lip.  It is about being self-aware, seeking help when required, and acting according to your values.

Be a role model of someone who is mentally strong

You are your child’s role model, whether you like it or not.  So, lead from the front and be a mentally strong parent in such uncertain times.

Demonstrating these traits, will enable you to rise above adversity and navigate transitions with resilience and ease.

Invest in your own mental health

Parenting can be challenging at the best of times; but doing so in a pandemic can make it even more stressful.

Parental self-care is critical

Attending to your own needs is not selfish or self-indulging.  By prioritising your own mental welling, you will be in a better position to support your child.

Suggestions for self-care 

Recharge by scheduling me-time.   A 10 to 20-minute walk around the neighbourhood or reading a book can boost your sense of wellbeing.  Eat healthily.  Seek support from friends, family, or close associates.  Caring human connections are lifelines in trying times.

That said, if you are feeling overwhelmed by competing demands and responsibilities, consider counselling help.

Parenting in a pandemic that seems to have no near end in sight can be stressful. But as the saying goes, “When you feel you are at the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.”

As you invest in your own mental health, seek support from loved ones and friends and professionals when needed. With your presence, love and support, your child will rise above the circumstances and stay strong.