The Purposeless Pain of Parents

We have a weird relationship with winning. I would go further to suggest that we may have an even more bizarre relationship with losing. Kids, not so much. Parents, yes. 

If you are headed to a youth tournament focused on winning, you may be losing already. 

Here’s the thing…Winning tends to be a byproduct of playing your best. It can also be a byproduct of playing inferior teams. It can also be a byproduct of a referee’s gift decision. It can also be a byproduct of an opponent’s mistake. It can also be a byproduct of months of training and effort toward a common objective to play coherently and capably. 

The variables are many. Absolutes, few. I have observed players give it a go, come up with the cup and move on. I have witnessed players give it a go, come up short and move on. I actually see most children having a healthy relationship with competition. 

My own teenagers want to win, go to compete, and then map out the rest of the day with their friends. Winning does not make them better children and losing does not burden them. Parents seem to struggle with this lesson. Our egos are attached to our offspring. Something twists within us when our children are beaten by other children. We go a bit bonkers on the sidelines. It pains us for some bizarre reason. We may be the first to hold on to the angst when the final whistle blows. I get it. I have six children. I have had that feeling and recognize its futility. We may need more help than I can provide. Psychologists, please chime in. I am well beyond my analytical skills here. However, may I suggest that focusing on winning is the beginning of the road to anxiety. 

What to do instead? 

See all children on the field as your children. This drives your energy to hoping for a healthy outing for all regardless of the color of the jersey or the final tally. 

Focus on learning. What can you learn about your child? What can you learn from other parents? 

Choose the metric of joy. If your child is healthy and engaged at a sporting event that is enough. Joy is not beholden to a victor. It can be shared by all. We do have a weird relationship with youth sports. Let’s be honest. In that honesty, let’s recognize how remarkably resilient our children are. Let’s watch them shake hands on a hot summer day and run to the ice cream stand smiling.  Then, let’s take note and choose a flavor for ourselves. No need for purposeless pain. 

Move on. 

Someone has to pay for the double scoop cone. 

This article was written by Todd Beane, founder of the TOVO Institute in Barcelona