Michael Grose/Parenting
What does it truly take to raise a good man in today’s world?
Shaping a child who is kind, confident, and capable is the ultimate parenting goal.
Raising boys, however, often comes with its own specific challenges—a blend of loud, boundless energy and sometimes maddening unpredictability.
Yet, buried beneath the noise is a crucial need for focused guidance and a strong connection.
The good news?
You don’t need to struggle alone or invent a complex parenting system. I’ve distilled the best advice into 13 simple, research-backed tools.
These strategies are designed to help harness your son’s natural energy, fostering a confident, happy, well-behaved boy who is ready to meet life head-on.
Tool 1: Play Dirty (and Rough).
The notion of roughhouse play has been around for a long time.
Little boys love it - as do many girls.
Roughhouse play - when you’re on the floor in a full-on wrestle with a boy - is more than having fun.
When done safely, roughhouse play teaches boys about boundaries, self-control, and reading social cues.
As Dr Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play in the US, has found, rough-and-tumble play helps boys develop the “social brain” and can be a powerful antidote to aggression.
Expert Tip: Before you start, set a clear boundary. “We’re going to play wrestle, but when I say ‘stop’ you have to stop immediately.” This simple rule teaches him to respect boundaries and control his impulses in the heat of the moment.
Tool 2: Build their Emotional Literacy
”Big Boys don’t cry!”
Oh, please. Yes, they do.
And they should.
Raising an emotionally intelligent boy means teaching him to identify and express his feelings in healthy ways.
Don’t shut down healthy emotions such as tears (when they’re appropriate and not attention-seeking).
Instead, create a safe space for the tears to flow.
Research from the University of Sussex in the UK found that parents who discuss emotions with their sons have children who are more socially competent and empathetic. This involves giving emotions a name, helping them recognise different emotions, and providing them with tools to regulate their feelings.
Take a deep breath, anyone!
This longitudinal study found that boys who can identify and express their feelings are less likely to act out in aggressive ways because they have a healthy alternative for dealing with strong emotions.
Expert Tip: Use a “feeling check-in” at the dinner table. Ask each family member to share one high point and one low point of their day, and name the feeling associated with it. This normalises talking about emotions and provides him with a safe space to share.
Tool 3: Give your Son Real Responsibility
Anyone who has followed my writing would know my strong penchant for assigning chores to boys and girls, without paying them.
This is more than expecting kids to pull their weight - and think “We” not “Me’.
Research from the University of New South Wales in Australia found that chores are essential for a boy’s development.
Their study found that boys who regularly participate in household chores from an early age are more likely to have a stronger sense of social responsibility and agency, which are key predictors of later success. It builds his confidence and a sense of contribution to the family unit.
This, in turn. gives a boy a sense of belonging and purpose.
Expert Tip: Give your son a job that other people rely on. Whether it’s setting the meal table, feeding a pet or taking over the family garbage system as an early teen, these tasks make them feel important and elevate their sense of contribution.
Tool 4: Allow Him to Mess up… and Learn
You may have already discovered that your son is a highly heuristic learner.
That is, he learns many of his prime lessons from experience, whether positive or negative.
You can tell your son all you like not to touch the wet paint, but he’s more than likely to find out for himself.
“Yep, it’s wet. Now my hand is full of wet paint.”
He may do it several times until the lesson sinks in.
When he messes up, don’t rush in to fix it (or roll your eyes). Let him experience the natural consequences of his actions, like forgetting his homework or leaving his lunch box behind.
As Dr. Wendy Mogel, author of The Blessing of a B-Minus, argues, allowing boys to experience setbacks and disappointment is essential for their long-term well-being and happiness. Fixing mistakes, she says, robs a boy of the opportunity to develop grit and resourcefulness.
Expert Tip: When he fails, instead of offering solutions, ask questions. “What do you think you can do about this?”, “How can you fix this?” or “What did you learn from this?” This encourages him to find his own solution to the problem, rather than relying on you.
Tool 5: Expose Him to Positive Role Models
Boys learn how to be male from the men in their lives.
It’s that simple.
This is why having a positive male figure in their life is essential.
As the renowned Australian psychologist Steve Biddulph highlights, there is a “father stage” of boyhood, around ages 6 to 14, when a boy’s father becomes the primary parent in terms of interest and activity.
This relationship provides a blueprint for what it means to be a good man. When a father is absent, a positive male mentor (an uncle, a grandfather, a family friend) can fill this vital role.
A good role model provides a blueprint for healthy masculinity, showing boys how to manage their emotions, relate to others, take care of their well-being, and much more.
The presence of healthy role models has been shown to reduce the incidence of risky behaviours. A longitudinal study from the University of Melbourne in Australia found that a strong, positive male role model is a significant protective factor against dangerous behaviours in boys, including aggression and substance abuse.
Expert Tip: Deliberately expose him to positive male role models. This could be through a sport you both enjoy, a hobby like fishing, or simply spending time with a trusted male family member.
Tool 6: Use Boy-friendly Discipline
Yelling, nagging, and punishments often backfire.
Instead, focus on clear boundaries and positive reinforcement. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA, advocates for “connect before you correct.”
His brain research shows that a child is more receptive to a parent’s guidance when they feel understood and connected to them.
This makes him more likely to cooperate and learn from his mistakes.
Expert Tip: When a behaviour needs correction, get down to his level, make eye contact, and speak in a calm voice. A simple phrase like, “I’m going to wait until you are calm to talk about this,” can do wonders.
Tool 7: Encourage Healthy Risk-Taking
Most boys have a natural urge to push boundaries and test limits. Yep, it’s a kid-thing, but it’s more common for boys than girls.
Just watch two seven-year-old boys involved in some free play (that is, free from adult eyes) and eventually they will dare each other to….. well, you can use your imagination on that one.
The point is, boys are prone to pushing each other — and themselves — higher, faster, lower, deeper, and yes, sillier.
Instead of squashing this, channel it into healthy risk-taking.
A 2017 study from the University of Washington found that boys who were allowed to engage in “risky” outdoor play had a lower risk of anxiety and phobias. This is true for both genders.
Nothing new there.
However, the researchers found that boys who engaged in risky outdoor play were also less likely to engage in risk-taking behaviours as teenagers, having learned to assess risk during childhood. That is significant!
Expert Tip: As a boy climbs, don’t hover and shout “be careful!” from below. Instead, offer quiet support. “You can do it. I’m here if you need me.” This tells him you trust his ability and judgment, which builds his confidence.
Tool 8: Practise Patience.
Raising boys requires a deep well of patience.
They can be slow to listen, quick to act, and prone to messy mistakes.
A study from the Max Planck Institute in Germany showed that mothers and fathers who practice patience raise boys who are more emotionally secure and have fewer behavioural problems.
They also don’t raise their eyebrows, inhale or turn away when boys are slow to pick things up, annoy them or just cbs (can’t be stuffed).
They know that their sons have L plates when it comes to learning new things, behaving well and adjusting to new social situations.
A patient parent responds to a boy’s needs rather than reacts emotionally to their behaviour.
And patience, like any habit, takes practice, so you won’t always get things right.
Expert Tip: When your patience is wearing thin, try the “three-second rule.” Before you react, take a deep breath and count to three. This gives your brain time to switch from an emotional response to a thoughtful one.
Tool 9: Practise Shoulder-to-Shoulder Communication
Boys usually communicate differently from girls.
For many boys, communication works better when it’s shoulder-to-shoulder rather than a face-to-face conversation.
It also works better when it’s activity-based.
They might open up while you’re working on a car, throwing a ball, or fishing.
Instead of forcing a chat, look for these moments of “side-by-side” communication. As Dr Michael Gurian, a leading US expert on raising boys, suggests, understanding this communication style is key to building a strong relationship and getting them to open up.
Expert Tip: If you want to have a difficult conversation with your son, don’t sit him down and stare at him. Take him for a drive, go for a walk, or throw a frisbee around. The activity creates a comfortable space for him to talk without feeling put on the spot.
Tool 10: Teach Him to Respect Himself, Others and His Environment
Respect is a big issue at the moment—especially when it comes to boys. It starts with respecting himself, spreading to others and to the environment in which he lives (including his bedroom)
Respect forms the basis of every healthy relationship.
Every relationship.
Boys must learn this at home first. Yes, schools teach it, but parents generally have more currency than teachers when it comes to this vital relationship skill.
Respect is a two-way street.
It’s not about respecting your elders any more. Treat your son with respect, and expect him to treat you with the same respect.
It’s a mutual arrangement.
Expert Tip: Expect your son to use good manners. Manners are respect in action. Good social manners (please, thank you, you’re welcome) are powerful door openers at all levels of society because they epitomise respectful behaviour. Teach them to your son and he’ll go a long way.
Tool 11: Prioritise Physical Activity
Boys need to move. They need to burn off energy.
Also, many boys think better when they move.
Whether it’s sports, hiking, or just running around the yard, physical activity is vital for their physical and mental health.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends at least 60 minutes of moderate-to-vigorous physical activity for children each day.
Research from the University of Copenhagen in Denmark has consistently shown a link between regular physical activity and a reduction in symptoms of ADHD and anxiety, as well as improved cognitive function.
I suspect you know this stuff, but sometimes it’s good to be reminded that your son “should go outside and play.”
Expert Tip: Make it fun, not a chore. Instead of saying “You need to exercise,” say “Let’s see who can run to that tree the fastest!” or “Let’s have a family dance party.”
Tool 12: Create a “No Phone” Zone
As our lives become more digital, it’s crucial to create boundaries around screens and other electronic devices.
I know you’ve heard this before, but screen time limits are essential for boys, as they develop face-to-face social skills more slowly than girls do, which are crucial for success in all areas of life.
Yes, girls’ early brains are geared toward developing social, fine-motor, and verbal skills, while boys’ early brains focus on gross-motor, visual, and spatial abilities.
For girls, social niceties are caught, while for boys they’re often taught.
Expert Tip: Make family dinner a “no phone” zone for everyone, including you. When you put your phone away, you’re not just setting a rule—you’re showing him that he and your family are more important than what’s on your screen.
Bonus Tool 13: Don’t Just Love Him, Like Him.
Tell your boy that your love is unconditional. No matter his mistakes, struggles, or successes, your love remains constant.
More than this, let your son know that you like him. That he is a likable soul. Tell him you enjoy spending time with him. You enjoy his company.
Want to cut straight to your son’s heart?
Tell him you’re proud of him — and why. That will stop him in his tracks, particularly if it comes from his father.
Boys ache for parental approval, so give it to him in words and actions. You don’t need research to tell you that.
Expert Tip: Tell him you love him, but also show him through your actions. Give him a hug when he’s had a tough day, leave a note in his lunch box, and be his biggest cheerleader. These small gestures reinforce that your love is an enduring force in his life.
Finally………….
Raising a boy to be kind, confident, and capable doesn’t require complex strategies—it needs a good heart and a clear mind.
The thirteen tools you’ve just read are not just good ideas; they are research-backed practices that build the foundational skills your son needs: from the emotional regulation taught during roughhouse play to the self-reliance fostered by meaningful responsibility.
Your son is watching and learning, absorbing lessons about emotion, effort, and what it means to be a good person from the role models and environment you provide.
By choosing to step back and let him mess up and learn, to prioritise shoulder-to-shoulder communication over a face-to-face interrogation, and to like him for who he is, you are actively shaping his future success and happiness.
Putting into practice
You don’t have to implement all thirteen tools at once.
To start building a stronger, more connected relationship with your son today, pick one tool from this list—perhaps scheduling ten minutes of safe roughhouse play or implementing a simple feeling check-in at dinner—and commit to practising it for the next week.
Which simple tool will you choose to implement today to make the most significant positive difference in your son’s life?