Miss Marg's

 Mental Health Motivations

When a Student Hurts Your Child's Feelings: What to Say

When your child comes home upset because a classmate hurt their feelings, it can be hard to know the right thing to say. As parents, we want to comfort and guide our kids, but sometimes the phrases we’ve heard growing up, and may even say ourselves, don’t help as much as we hope. Let’s take a closer look at six common responses, why they don’t work, and what we can say instead to truly support our children.

Six Common Responses That Don’t Work

1. "Just ignore them."Why it doesn’t work: While ignoring might seem like a way to avoid escalation, it doesn’t teach kids how to handle hurtful interactions or process their emotions. Ignoring the problem can also leave them feeling dismissed and unsupported.
2. "They're just jealous."Why it doesn’t work: This oversimplifies the situation, and shifts focus away from the real issue. It can also invalidate your child’s feelings, making them feel like their concerns aren’t worth addressing.
3. "You’ll get over it."Why it doesn’t work: While this may be true in the long term, it minimizes the intensity of your child’s current emotions. It can make them feel like their hurt doesn’t matter.
4. "Just toughen up. People are mean sometimes."Why it doesn’t work: This implies that your child’s sensitivity is the problem, rather than addressing the hurtful behavior. It can discourage them from sharing their feelings in the future.
5. "What did you do to make them act that way?"Why it doesn’t work: This question places blame on your child, making them feel ashamed or guilty for something that may not have been their fault.
6. "Be nice to them anyway."Why it doesn’t work: While kindness is a good value to teach, this response might suggest that your child should tolerate mistreatment or avoid setting boundaries.

Six Responses That Work 

Instead of relying on the phrases above, try these alternatives. They validate your child’s feelings, encourage problem-solving, and foster emotional resilience.

1. "That sounds really upsetting. Do you want to tell me more?"Why it works: This shows empathy and invites your child to share their thoughts and feelings, helping them feel heard and understood.
2. "How did that make you feel?"Why it works: Asking this helps your child identify and articulate their emotions, an important step in building emotional intelligence.
3. "Would you like help figuring out what to do next?"Why it works: This empowers your child to think through solutions while offering your support, which builds their confidence and problem-solving skills.
4. "That must have hurt your feelings. It's okay to feel upset."Why it works: Validating their emotions reassures your child that it’s normal to feel hurt and that their feelings matter.
5. "What do you think made them act that way?"Why it works: This encourages perspective-taking and helps your child develop empathy without excusing hurtful behavior.
6. "Would you like me to help you talk to your teacher or figure out what to do next?"Why it works: Offering practical support alongside emotional validation shows your child that they’re not alone in facing challenges.

Why These Positive Responses Matter

Children learn how to navigate relationships and conflicts by observing how we respond to their struggles. When we validate their emotions, we teach them that it’s okay to feel hurt and that their feelings are worth addressing. Validating their emotions also helps children get back to more positive emotions faster. Plus, encouraging problem-solving and perspective-taking equips them with the tools they need to handle difficult situations in the future.

By choosing responses that empower and support our children, we not only help them through tough moments but also foster their emotional growth and resilience. The next time your child tells you a classmate hurt their feelings, try one of these positive responses and watch how it helps them feel heard, valued, and ready to move forward.