Counsellors Corner
Communicating with your child during ‘tough times’
Most parents wonder how to talk with their child about adversity. Being a parent doesn’t mean you are unaffected by life’s challenges. However, most parents are unsure how to talk with their child about adversity. This resource will help you to prepare for conversations with your primary school-aged child about your experience of ‘tough times’ (e.g. relationship conflicts, illness, financial difficulties, community incidents etc) so it can help them to have a better understanding of what is happening. It steps you through:
. understanding how the adversity affects you
. thinking about what your child notices and experiences; and
. preparing to talk with your primary school-age child.
Primary school-aged children are very perceptive and pick up on even the smallest changes in their parent’s behaviour and body language (despite a parent’s attempts to ‘hide’ them). Children can believe they are somehow at fault for their parent’s behaviour and can feel responsible for making their parent feel better.
As a parent it can be very challenging to think about how your child views what is happening within the family or within the broader community. It may be useful to talk to your health professional or another support person about the impact of adversity on your role as a parent. You may even find it helpful to work through this resource with them.
Conversations with your child about difficult times can help them to make sense of their experiences. If you are trying to understand your own experiences, or need to talk about your circumstances, discuss this with either an adult that you trust, a health professional or a peer worker. Do not expect your child to help you understand your experience of adversity.
It is important to remember that your experience of adversity does not make you a bad parent. It is possible to have a great relationship with your child even when things are tough.
Starting a conversation about mental health
Family and friends play a vital role in identifying and supporting a young person who’s experiencing the stress, anxiety or the impact of things out of their control. Let young people know that you care about them no matter what they’re going through. This is important and helps encourage young people to seek support early to manage their thoughts and feelings.
Tips for having the conversation
Having a conversation can feel overwhelming. Here are some tips for talking with your young person.
- Check in with yourself. Ensure you’re feeling calm and open to listening. Consider if it is the right time to have the conversation. Be aware of your body language and tone of voice.
- Setting the scene. Think about where and it can help to be side-by-side rather than looking directly at each other. Perhaps go for a drive, a walk, or somewhere your young person feels comfortable.
- Be prepared to listen. Listening to your young person is an important part of the process. Take their feelings seriously. Listen carefully, reflect back and don’t judge (it can be more useful at times to say nothing than to offer solutions). Take a ‘’you and me vs the problem” approach. This lets them know you’ll figure it out together.
- Starting the conversation. There are many ways to start the conversation. You could begin with general and open questions like: how is (e.g., school/sport”) going? When focusing on more specific thoughts and feelings, I’ statements are important: Í feel like you, I’ve noticed you (haven’t been yourself lately) – how are things?