From the Director of Pedagogy and Innovation
Striking the Right Balance: Pushing Children to Grow
As the HSC wraps up for another year it is a good opportunity to think about the effort of the students, teachers and indeed families that have got to this point. Some students have cruised through without a worry, others have been right on the edge at points, and can now relax. However, at this time of year we can always reflect on ‘when does encouraging a child or teen to work harder and perform better become problematic?’
In the quest to nurture and empower our children, adults often find themselves at a crossroads, trying to discern the fine line between encouragement and pushing too hard.
The delicate art of pushing children to step outside their comfort zones can have profound impacts on their development, shaping their grit, resilience, and worldviews. However, pushing them too far can lead to isolation, resentment, and heightened anxiety. To navigate this complex terrain, we must understand the motivations behind our actions, recognise our children's unique needs, and know when to back off.
Pushing children to venture into the unknown is not merely an exercise in discomfort; it's an essential life skill. According to Dr. Harold S. Koplewicz, a renowned child and adolescent psychiatrist, this process enables children to develop the capacity to tolerate discomfort, fostering grit and resilience. Parents are often motivated by the belief that encouraging their children to excel academically or embrace new experiences will enrich their lives and prepare them for a competitive future, in the workforce or just in dealing with life’s challenges more generally.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Janine Domingues of the Child Mind Institute emphasises that pushing children through challenging situations can boost their confidence. It conveys the message that they can navigate difficult moments and overcome obstacles with the support of their parents, friends and school. It's a powerful way of teaching children that they are capable of problem-solving and personal growth.
However, the key to effective and balanced pushing lies in understanding one's child. Dr. Domingues underscores that knowing your child's personality, strengths, and interests is paramount. When encouraging them to explore extracurricular activities, it's essential to engage them in the decision-making process and respect their preferences. Rather than imposing one's desires, parents should help their children find activities that align with their individual interests and talents.
Understanding your child's limitations is equally important. Resistance may signal underlying issues, such as anxiety disorders or learning disabilities. Pushing in the face of such barriers can be counterproductive, making it crucial to address these challenges first before resuming the pushing process.
Maintaining realistic expectations is another vital element in effective parenting. Parents sometimes project their own aspirations onto their children, creating pressure and tension. Instead, parents should focus on the present, celebrating their child's achievements for their intrinsic value. It's essential to communicate that success is not solely about preparing for an abstract future, such as securing employment or a university placement, but about personal growth and skill development in the here and now.
A commitment to new activities is a cornerstone of the pushing process. Parents should encourage their children to see their commitments through, even when the initial experience is less enjoyable than anticipated. This teaches them the value of perseverance and follow-through.
Easing children into new challenges is a pragmatic approach to consider, particularly if they are anxious or apprehensive. Dr. Domingues suggests that parents can help children become more comfortable by providing information, visiting the location, and setting a reasonable time limit for evaluating their interest. This approach allows children to become accustomed to the idea gradually, mitigating their anxiety.
Adults should also model grit and resilience. Demonstrating that they, too, face challenges and setbacks but persevere can inspire their children to adopt a similar mindset. Adults can convey the message that difficulties are an inherent part of life and can be overcome. Genuine and frank conversations about what we as their role models are finding hard can be a real eye-opener and encouragement to young people.
Yet, it is vital to recognise when the line between encouragement and undue pressure is crossed. If children exhibit signs of distress, dysfunction, or experience significant mood changes, it's an indicator that they might be pushed too hard. In such cases, a reevaluation is necessary to ensure that children's well-being remains a top priority. Adults should always be prepared to adjust their approach if it is causing harm.
Striking the right balance between encouraging children to embrace new challenges and pushing too hard is an art that requires a deep understanding of the child's individuality, motivations, and limitations. It is essential to foster their growth while respecting their preferences and well-being. Effective pushing involves gradual steps, realistic expectations, commitment, and external motivation when necessary. Adults who approach this process with sensitivity and flexibility can help their children develop resilience and thrive in an ever-changing world.
Well done to all those families out there who are in the throes of working out how to push, encourage and support without going too far!
Mr Chris Sanders
Director of Pedagogy and Innovation