Wellbeing

Tips on Supporting Children in Fiery Friendships

As children develop their independence and their own opinions about the world, some friendships can have fiery moments and go through challenging phases. 

Two great tools, that we use in the classroom, for talking to students about how they are feeling are the Friend-O-Meter and the Friend-O-Cycle.

Although it’s normal to have a friendship dip into the Red-Zone now and again (Friendship Fact #1: No friendship – or relationship – is perfect!), what happens when a friendship is up and down A LOT?

While many kids will admit they’ve experienced this type of friendship, a friendship that goes from the Green-Zone to the Red-Zone regularly can feel very challenging for both the children and the family. 

These friendships can feel especially confusing for parents, as their child oscillates between “Best Friends” and “They’re not invited to my birthday party!” For teachers, these students can sometimes cause a lot of drama for classmates who sometimes find themselves caught in the middle.

So, what can we do to support a child in this type of everyday-is-different friendship?

First, attempt to identify if they are upset consistently. Is it deeply affecting them? Are they really struggling? If the answer is no, and the child seems to be handling it quite well, then this might be a case of them simply ‘ironing out the wrinkles’. Whether it’s a new friendship or the dynamic of the friendship has changed, it sometimes takes time to get to know each other and learn how to get along.

‘Fiery Friendships’ are especially common for children with strong personalities who form friendships with kids similar to them. While they might click at first, they’ll naturally begin to butt heads. For these kids, the highs are high and the lows are low!

This is where we can encourage our children and students to focus on the Friend-o-Cycle and ‘Talking it Out’. Encourage conversation and discussion about what the issues are in the moment and what is a reasonable compromise as a solution. Try to steer away from bringing up things that happened in years gone by and highlight the present. 

However, if a child is coming home in tears every day and seeming very distressed, here are discussion prompts to unpack at home: 

• “How can you spend less time in this friendship?”: Sometimes these challenging friendships are simply a product of spending too much time together. Help your child come up with a plan to decrease their daily dose of this friendship. 
• “It’s time to get strategic in this friendship!”: Help your child get clear on what works and what doesn’t work in their friendship. When are they getting along? When are Friendship Fires igniting? 
• “Are they Friendship Fires or is it Mean-on-Purpose?”: It’s important that your child understands the difference between normal conflict versus intentionally rude, cruel, malicious behaviour.
• “Did you Talk-it-Out until the Fire-is-Out?”: Has your child truly talked to their friend to tell them how they’re feeling? Are they being honest with their friend or do they keep sweeping the issues under the rug? 
• “What colour friendships do you deserve?”: Ask them, “Let’s think about a friendship that goes from green to red, green to red, green to red on The Friend-o-Meter. What colour does that friendship average out at?” Help your child identify that friendship would average out in the Yellow-Zone. Remind them they deserve Green-Zone friendships in their lives! 

As challenging as it can be in the moment, these tricky friendships can be a great opportunity for children to master their conflict-resolution skills and learn to foster healthy, feel-good friendships.

One thing we say to kids all the time is: “You teach people how to treat you!” When kids deal with their Friendship Fires in a kind and respectful way, it deepens friendships creating closer & stronger connections.

As always, please feel free to reach out for more information about anything related to Friendology. I am contactable via compass, through the office or via email – louise.jarvis@education.vic.gov.au

Have a lovely weekend,

Louise Jarvis

Wellbeing Specialist Teacher