Assistant Principal - Pastoral Care
Creating a Hope-filled Future for All
In an article titled ‘The Essential Skills for Being Human’, David Brooks said:
“I have learned something profound along the way. Being open hearted is a prerequisite for being a full, kind and wise human being. But it is not enough. People need social skills. The real process of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete actions well: being curious about other people; disagreeing without poisoning relationships; revealing vulnerability at an appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.”
Brooks laments though that:
“The issue is that we lack practical knowledge about how to give one another the attention we crave. Some days it seems like we have intentionally built a society that gives people little guidance on how to perform the most important activities of life.”
This struck a chord with me because it goes to the heart of what we are trying to achieve at McCarthy with our students. We know that when a student has a strong sense of belonging and connection to school that they are much more likely to achieve their best. That feeling safe, valued, respected and cared for is essential for each person at the school.
In a research paper from 2023 titled ‘Encouraging a sense of belonging and connectedness in secondary schools’ the writers argue that “A positive sense of belonging at school has fundamental benefits for students, including feeling that:
• their teachers and peers like, value and accept them
• the curriculum is interesting and relevant
• they are capable of succeeding at school
• their cultural identity is welcome and valued
• they can ‘be themselves’ within appropriate boundaries.
A positive relationship with the school community can shape a student’s emotional, behavioural, and cognitive engagement with schooling and influence academic outcomes. Students who experience positive peer relationships in school are up to 2 months ahead in their NAPLAN scores 2 years later than those who don’t experience positive peer relationships.
Benefits for learning and engagement at school include:
• lower absenteeism
• higher levels of effort, interest and motivation
• positive homework behaviour
• being more likely to like school
• trusting and respecting their teachers
• enjoying challenging learning activities
• being concerned about and helping others.
Studies showed that school structures and policies can facilitate connectedness between students and the school.”
At McCarthy Catholic Colle this begins with Mentor groups organised into the six houses - here students are part of a team where they commence the day with students from Years 12 to 7. The vertical structure deliberately provides opportunities for senior students to lead their younger peers in how to go about their day of learning and interacting with others. The most powerful example for a young person is seeing another young person behaving positively and considerately. Teachers and support staff work as a team to remove any barriers a young person may have before the academic day commences.
Events such as the Swimming Carnival, Athletics Carnival, Colour Run, Olympics Day, Carols and House BBQs all serve to build this sense of team and connection to something larger than the individual.
Our classrooms focus on the learning team. The language of our teachers consistently refers to the learning team which we are all a part of. The set-up of the classrooms emphasises this approach with many rooms furnished with round tables that seat up to six students, providing multiple opportunities for students to work collaboratively on appropriate tasks. A coherent and school-wide approach is used by the staff to provide an effective lesson cycle that helps every student understand what they are learning, what is required of them, what this will look like and receive feedback along the way to help them close any gaps that may exist in their learning. At the heart of this is a strong focus on literacy that opens the door to learning and understanding.
Of course, much of this will only be effective if home, the site of primary learning, is in sync with what we are striving to attain at school. In the rest of his article, David Brooks suggested some skills that a person needs to develop to be a good human that could be encouraged and fostered at home:
The gift of attention - in his essay Brooks refers to a pastor called Jimmy who radiates warmth: “When Jimmy sees a person — any person — he is seeing a creature with infinite value and dignity, made in the image of God. He is seeing someone so important that Jesus was willing to die for that person.
You may be an atheist, an agnostic, a Christian, a Jew or something else, but casting this kind of reverential attention is an absolute precondition for seeing people well. When you offer a gaze that communicates respect, you are positively answering the questions people are unconsciously asking themselves when they meet you: “Am I a person to you? Am I a priority to you?” Those questions are answered by your eyes before they are answered by your words.”
Accompaniment - Ninety percent of waking life is going about your business. It’s a meeting at work, small talk while picking up your kids at school. Accompaniment is an other-centred way of being with people during the normal routines of life. We’re most familiar with the concept of accompaniment in music: The pianist accompanies the singer. He is in a supportive role, sensing where the singer is going, subtly working to help the singer shine.If we are going to accompany someone well, we need to abandon the efficiency mind-set. We need to take our time and simply delight in another person’s way of being.
The art of conversation - something I have noticed is that with the advent of mobile phones, ironically, people, particularly young people, find conversation difficult. This is supported by considerable research. Brooks suggests that we teach our young people the following skills:
Be a loud listener. When another person is talking, you want to be listening so actively you’re burning calories. I have a friend named Andy Crouch who listens as if he were a congregant in a charismatic church. He’s continually responding to my comments with encouraging affirmations, with “amen,” “aha” and “yes!” I love talking to that guy.
Storify whenever possible. I no longer ask people: What do you think about that? Instead, I ask: How did you come to believe that? That gets them talking about the people and experiences that shaped their values. People are much more revealing and personal when they are telling stories. And the conversation is going to be warmer and more fun.
Do the looping, especially with adolescents. People are not as clear as they think they are, and we’re not as good at listening as we think we are. If you tell me something important and then I paraphrase it back to you, what psychologists call “looping,” we can correct any misimpressions that may exist between us.
Turn your partner into a narrator. People don’t go into enough detail when they tell you a story. If you ask specific follow-up questions — Was your boss screaming or irritated when she said that to you? What was her tone of voice? — then they will revisit the moment in a more concrete way and tell a richer story.
Don’t be a topper. If somebody tells you he is having trouble with his teenager, don’t turn around and say: “I know exactly what you mean. I’m having incredible problems with my own Susan.” You may think you’re trying to build a shared connection, but what you are really doing is shifting attention back to yourself.
Ask questions. By asking questions we show our interest and our valuing of the other person’s experience.
Seek to understand the other person’s perspective - My first job in any conversation across difference or inequality is to stand in other people’s standpoint and fully understand how the world looks to them. I’ve found it’s best to ask other people three separate times and in three different ways about what they have just said. “I want to understand as much as possible. What am I missing here?”
In their book “Crucial Conversations,” Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler point out that every conversation takes place on two levels. The official conversation is represented by the words we are saying on whatever topic we are talking about. The actual conversations occur amid the ebb and flow of emotions that get transmitted as we talk. With every comment I am showing you respect or disrespect, making you feel a little safer or a little more threatened.
If we let fear and a sense of threat build our conversation, then very quickly our motivations will deteriorate. We won’t talk to understand but to pummel. Everything we say afterward will be injurious and hurtful and will make repairing the relationship in the future harder. If, on the other hand, I show persistent curiosity about your viewpoint, I show respect. And as the authors of “Crucial Conversations” observe, in any conversation, respect is like air. When it’s present nobody notices it, and when it’s absent it’s all anybody can think about.
Ultimately, a contemporary school is a place where teachers and students agree on a model of radical inclusion; to unwaveringly believe that there is no such thing as a throwaway person, that nobody deserves an unnecessary or disproportionate dose of suffering, and that our future depends on us taking collective responsibility for protecting it. When we all practise this then we create a hope-filled future for all.
Mick Larkin
Assistant Principal - Pastoral Care