Principal

So, Your Teen Argues With You..Here’s What To Do

In the course of my work, I often interact with argumentative young men. Despite clear evidence and a trail of hurt relationships, I find myself having to check my tone, body language, and feelings.  Do you find your blood pressure rising? Patience dissipating? Feelings crushed when your trust has been broken?

I would like to share an article with you that I refer to at times as a framework/resource for managing these difficult interactions.

How to respond successfully when kids argue without tears, fears or clipping their ears. (Michael Grose, 30 OCT)

Most parents aren’t equipped to handle an argumentative teen. We view their behaviour as disrespectful—behaviour unbecoming of our beloved child. We want kids to be cooperative at home but assertive in school and able to stick up for themselves in socially acceptable ways.

Kids practise at home.

It's important to remember that kids need to practise their assertiveness somewhere. This is a crucial part of their development and a sign that they are learning to navigate the world around them. There’s no safer and more nurturing place than their family to learn this vital life skill. So there’s a tension between nurturing assertiveness and expecting cooperative behaviour at home.

Build your communication toolbox.

Diversifying your communication toolbox when dealing with an argumentative child or teen is essential.  This will keep you equipped and confident in managing their behaviour. Here’s what to do:

1. Follow your instincts. 

What does your gut instinct tell you about your child’s arguing?

If you feel annoyed when they argue, then they want your attention. Don’t provide B-grade attention by arguing. Disengage. If you feel angry, then you’re in a power play. Again, don’t argue back, but be ready for it to intensify. Your child wants to win. Disengage. If you don’t want to disengage, then you probably want to win. Then, you’re no longer arguing about the original issue. Winning becomes the new issue. The only issue.You're stuck in a feedback loop. Good luck with that!

2. Watch your language.

Parents who continually use coercive language (“Do this.” “I want it done now.”) generally find that their kids will withhold their cooperation at some point. Try a different tack. Instead, tell your kids what you will do. (“I’m putting the meal on the table.” “I’ll say good night in five minutes.” “I’ll be going out the drive for school in five minutes.”)

Then do what you say. This stops the power play in its tracks.You don't need to worry about saying anything else.

3. Go visual. 

Use rosters, reminder charts, facial expressions and the like to reinforce routines rather than constantly reminding kids with your voice about their behaviours. 

When you want something done, refer to the roster. “Who’s turn is it to empty the dishwasher?” Don’t give them the opportunity to argue with you. Save your words for teaching and relationship-building.

4. Discover your inner cat. 

I’ve written extensively about this in two of my books but here’s a quick recap. 

There are two sides to us as parents- the credible, firmer side (the cat) and the relationship-building, softer side (the dog). When the cat speaks your voice is flat and low, your head and body stays still and you don’t smile. When the dog speaks your voice goes high, your body leans in and your face moves ( smiles, scrunches, eyes widen, etc). Try saying, “I want you to set the table, please” as a cat and a dog and see which way lets your child you mean what you say. 

You can find your inner cat when you want cooperation. It works. every. single. time.

5. Don’t argue. 

Kids don’t act in a vacuum. They argue with the parent who will argue with them or give in. They generally argue with you because they know that they will get a response and that arguing will get them what they want. Eventually. Sometimes, a child’s out-of-character arguing is a message. It may be a sign that things aren’t going well for them, so be mindful when considering how to respond. Follow your instincts, and you’ll be fine.

If you'd like to try one of these tools, please think through your response and practise it a few times. Behaviour rehearsal is such a powerful thing. Also, try any new tools in low-pressure and low-stress situations.  Think, Rehearse, and Go Small is how to build a better parenting toolbox.

Staff News

• Mr Leon Petersen (Maths) finishes with the College this Friday 8 November.  Leon will be replaced by Ms Mary Guirguis who commences on Friday 8 November. Mary is known to us as she has done some work with us on practicum this year.
   
• Congratulations to Ms Christine Daoud-Aytee, who recently advised me that she is newly engaged to her fiancé Anthony. 
   
• Mrs Fotini El-Kazzi recently gave birth a beautiful baby girl. Little Sabelle is doing well!
   
• Director of Learning and Innovation:  I am pleased to announce that Gillian Carpenter has been appointed to the Leadership Team to lead this important portfolio. Gillian currently leads the Social Science Faculty at Presbyterian Ladies College Sydney (PLC), and has driven innovative learning, teaching, and assessment practices that champion excellence and equity. Her experience spans a range of leadership roles, with a consistent focus on fostering professional growth, ensuring inclusive education, and using data-driven insights to enhance student outcomes. She will bring this expertise to our College where she can contribute to both the academic and holistic development of the school community. Gillian has also been the faculty head of social sciences at OLMC Parramatta, acting faculty head at St Ignatius College, Riverview and a Wellbeing Coordinator at Strathfield Girls’ High School.

Gillian holds a Masters of International Affairs from King's College, London, Post Graduate Certificate in Security Studies from Macquarie University, Sydney Australia, a Master of Teaching (Legal Studies, Business Studies, Modern History, Geography and History) from the University of Sydney, Bachelor of Liberal Studies (Sub Major - Communication and Sub Major - History, Politics and Philosophy) University of Western Sydney, Australia.

Gillian’s recent AI HSC 10-Year Analysis Project further underscores her commitment to data-informed teaching. Through this project, she drew insights from a decade of HSC Social Science data, identifying key trends in student performance and uncovering areas for curriculum enhancement. This analysis not only provided invaluable feedback for refining teaching practices but also allowed us to better prepare students for the rigours of HSC examinations by targeting specific areas where students historically struggled. These insights have since been integrated into the curriculum, contributing to an overall improvement in student outcomes and a more strategic approach to teaching and learning within the faculty.

As a curriculum leader, Gillian has authored and implemented a range of programs that reflect a contemporary, research-based vision of education. For example, she led the development of a Literacy Continuum for Years 7 to 10 across the Social Science and History Faculty teams at Our Lady of Mercy College (OLMC). The aim of the continuum was to scaffold the skills students need for success in Stage 6. This initiative involved backward mapping literacy goals to ensure that students progressively build the comprehension, writing, and higher-order thinking skills necessary for academic success. By embedding these skills into their curriculum and assessments across Stages 4 and 5, she created a cohesive and intentional approach to teaching that significantly enhanced student access to learning and assessment tasks across the board.

I thank Denise Lombardo for her strong, creative, and thoughtful leadership at the College and am so grateful that she will be transitioning to the position of Instructional Coach (Literacy). Gillian will be lucky to have Denise on her team, and SPC will be even luckier not to lose that expert suite of skills and expertise.

• All other new teaching appointments will be published in the first Especean, Term 1, 2025.

Dr Vittoria Lavorato

Principal

SPC boys can do anything! 

**except divide by zero