From The Counselling Suite

Why Children Lie and What to Do

Most children tell lies at some point, and indeed most adults tell lies as well.  Sadly, we live in a society where for some people lying is almost a way of life.  However, for many parents it comes as a shock when our children lie; we want to be able to trust our children and we want them to grow to be adults who are honest and who act with integrity.  How then can we achieve this?

Children lie for a myriad of reasons: often it is to cover up something so that they don’t get into trouble; sometimes it is to make their story more exciting or to make themselves seem more important or better than they are; children also lie when they think it is going to get them something that they want or to get attention, and sometimes it is simply to see how you will respond to the lie.   

Children get better at lying as they get older.  When they are little, a parent can usually tell when something is true or not, but around about 8 or 10 years of age, their ability to lie has developed to such a point where it can be quite difficult to catch them in the lie. This can make things tricky for a parent, especially if the lying is sophisticated enough that you feel as if you just don’t know whether you can believe anything your child says.  

One of the best ways to ensure that your child is honest and trustworthy, is to promote a culture of honesty in your family – constantly talk about the importance of honesty, make reference to news articles about celebrities who demonstrate honest behavior, celebrate and praise your child when they are honest, and most importantly of all, show your child that you are a person of integrity by demonstrating honesty in your own interactions with others.  

Try to minimise the opportunities for your child to lie. If you know they have done something wrong, simply state it – don’t be tempted to say ‘did you do such and such?’ Make sure that you distinguish the behaviour from the child so that you don’t call your child a liar, giving them a label to live up to; it is more helpful to label the behaviour as lying, and then talk to your child about ways to change the behaviour.

Children need to know that there are consequences for lying.   Talking calmly about the behaviour is a good first step and if you know that your child isn’t telling the truth, let them know that you know, and remind them how important being honest is to you.  If they do eventually admit to the lie, praise them for their honesty, which is not the same as condoning their lying in the first instance.  If your child persists with the deliberate lie, then use an appropriate discipline strategy, but if it reaches this point then you must ensure that you are consistent – don’t threaten a consequence and then renege. 

If you are concerned that lying is part of a larger pattern of serious negative behaviour, and you would like some advice on dealing with it please contact the Counselling Team at Blackfriars: counselling@bps.sa.edu.au  

Parents may also refer their son to the Counselling Team by using the Referral found on the Parent Portal. 

Ms Cathie Oswald

SCHOOL COUNSELLOR (Monday, Thursday and Friday)

Mrs Karen Davies

SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST  (Tuesday and Thursday)