Counsellor/Wellbeing News

With Father’s Day this Sunday and all the talk about what makes the quintessential dad, with all the cards, presents, special meals and love shared together, my mind drifts to those without a dad in their life or those who have a not-so-great dad. They say dads make us and shape us but let’s face it, they come in all varieties. 

Someone shared their story with me this week that I thought I would share. It reminded me the importance of social connection and finding the silver lining even in the terrible moments. 

“The message I got growing up was that I was “not good enough, not smart enough, and if I disappeared, everyone might be happier.”  Dad did nothing but yell at me and put me down. I wanted to be away from home as much as I could and that resulted in many poor choices. I hung out with the wrong crowd, dabbled in things I shouldn’t have, dated losers, and had friends who were anything but friends. I felt worthless; was often negative. Nothing went right; nothing was easy. Everything felt like punishment.

Until I met Bill. He was a school teacher - my aspiration - who kind of took me under his wing. Bill saw something great in me that I didn’t. He saw “good;” he saw “smart;” he saw “amazing.”  I thought he was crazy. It took a long time for me to trust him. When I was in his classes he would really listen to me. He would make comments about how creative I was, or how kind I was and how great I was at many different things. When I told him stories about my interests, my part time job or volunteer work I did (all to avoid home life) he would say so many positive things. The compliments - I had not gotten many before this - it felt strange and foreign. Bill would stop me in the middle of a negative comment and ask me if this was the “truth”, ask where was the evidence to support that and always pointed out the exceptions to prove to me that what I was saying was not correct. He made me challenge my self-talk. It sounded crazy, but negative events started becoming inconveniences that I laughed off, not punishments. He helped me focus on the good things. 

At the end of that year at school, Bill gave me a jar and on the bottom he wrote, “To be filled with happy thoughts.” Confused, I said, “What?” He told me to write one good thing every day on a slip of paper and deposit it. Every day seemed impossible, but I agreed.  

Early thoughts were barely positive: “Today didn’t suck”, “Nothing bad happened”, “I didn’t get zero in my test”. But with time, the thoughts changed, and strangely, I started believing in good and started to see glimpses of what Bill saw in me. One day, over a year later, I went to put a slip in the jar but it was so full. I emptied out the slips, tears flowed as I read them. Over the following two years, I really applied myself at school and focused on school life, rather than home life and I ended up doing really well. I applied to two universities despite thinking I had no chance. Turns out, Bill was right — I got accepted to both universities and even got a scholarship to help me financially.

So, I had a really crappy relationship with my dad that left me raw, alone, and feeling worthless.  Am I grateful? Sometimes. But if it wasn’t for my crappy dad, I wouldn’t have even noticed Bill or been ready to hear what he taught me. But I got the message and ran with it. I changed. I became confident, found focus, meaning and passion. I got my teaching degree, found a great job that I love, married my best friend. I wanted to matter and make a difference in my life and in other’s."

Choosing Gratitude Even When It's Difficult

Whether your dad is perfect, challenging, or gone, it’s worthwhile to think about the valuable lessons that no one but you can gain in your situation. We ALWAYS have choices, even when things seem horrible. We often underestimate how resilient we are and fail to see our strengths and are actually not very good at predicting our own future. So even if you have, or had, a not so good dad, try to find something to appreciate in your journey. Consider how he challenged you, taught you sacrifice or persistence, spurred you to take risks, showed you courage, opened the door to other opportunities and people in our lives etc.

Social connections can change us if we adopt an attitude of gratitude. Your story is not set in stone. Believe in free will. Gratitude is about becoming the best intentional person you can be. Gratitude energizes us to love, help others, and make a difference in the world. Be grateful for these lessons.

School TV

SPECIAL REPORT: Celebrating Father’s Day 

For many years now, the role of fathers has changed and evolved. During the industrial revolution, fathers were often considered detached and distant due to working long hours in factories. However, today things have changed dramatically with many dads being celebrated for being sensitive, caring and more hands-on.Recent studies have shown that children benefit greatly from having fathers who are present and interacting in everyday activities. This has transformed the understanding of how fathers shape children’s lives from the start, challenging conventional ideas of parenthood and gender.Research also suggests that fathers influence their sons and daughters in different ways, which is especially true during their transition to adolescence. Engaging in regular physical activities can play a key role in influencing children to learn self-control, face challenges, regulate emotions and take manageable risks.In this Special Report, fathers will learn about the positive impact they can have on their child’s mental health and wellbeing, whilst also ensuring they indulge in a little self-care. We hope you take time to reflect on the information offered in this Special Report, and as always, we welcome your feedback.If you do have any concerns about the wellbeing of your child, please contact the school for further information or seek medical or professional help.Here is the link to your special report https://mccww.catholic.schooltv.me/wellbeing_news/celebrating-fathers-day

Karen Surian

School Counsellor