Decoy Flares

You may have had an experience like this: Your child expresses their anxiety or concern about what a friend has said. As they retell the story they are getting increasingly agitated and the sense of injustice builds.

You listen carefully, hearing them out, whilst growing increasingly emotional yourself. It is unjust and hurtful. The emotional moment crescendos and there are tears and hugs and you step into reassurance mode, quite proud of the fact that you heard them out without trying to interrupt with solutions.

But once they are in bed, you plot. You discuss the situation with your partner, think about how to rectify the situation, plan play dates to broaden their friendship group, think through tools your child could use when the inevitable confrontation happens the following day, and you pray.

At breakfast the following morning you carefully roll out the plan you have determined the previous evening – hoping not to trigger anything because at some point you need a compliant child to get in a car. And you find they have completely forgotten about it and are now worried about camp. (I guess you could argue that the prayer ‘worked’!)

Kids continuously embark on an emotional roller coaster – it’s said the trick for parents is to try not to join them on the ride. I think the real challenge is discerning the difference between a presenting superficial issue and the deeper sustained hurt or worry that is launching a thousand decoy flares.

Part of the problem, of course, is that kids aren’t sufficiently aware to tell the difference. Every problem is immediate, and there is no priority hierarchy. But superficial issues will sort themselves out and indeed it is good practice for kids to learn how to do that themselves if we can only remain on the platform and prevent our emotional gears from meshing with theirs. Our job is to let those scenarios go (unless asked for specific help). 

There is a parallel here with Christianity. The Bible is laden with continual reminders from Jesus not to respond to immediate provocation (although we ought to respond to immediate suffering). To not be distracted by the decoy flares of aggression or manipulation or hurtful statements or spite or gossip or sharp tones or perceived workplace favouritism.

To recognise that there is a deeper cause, an eternal playing field, and the task of a disciple is to seek a Kingdom response. The biblical culmination of this, for me, is Jesus’s offering of forgiveness to the Roman soldiers killing him at Golgotha– “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” – a prayer I am not sure I would ever have the mature faith to make. But there are a hundred lesser examples we will face today. Where we earn our pay (treasure) is to be mindful of a deeper malaise and a more complete cure.