From the Counselling Suite

Communicating with young people

One of the most common complaints I hear from parents is that once their children hit adolescence, they stop talking to them.  This can be incredibly frustrating for parents who feel as though they are being shut out of their children’s lives.  Worry about what their children may be hiding can also sometimes lead parents to invade their children’s privacy by searching their rooms, going through their phones, or angrily confronting their children (“tell me what’s going on!”) which unfortunately, usually creates an even bigger wedge in the parent-child relationship.

So what can you do if you notice that your child is not talking to you as much?  Well, firstly, it is important to remember that in most cases this is not a reflection on your parenting.  Despite parents’ best efforts to create trusting, respectful, unconditionally loving environments that are conducive to open dialogue, most children may go through a phase of choosing to communicate more with their peers than their parents as part of normal adolescent development.  Adolescence is a time when children start to form their own identities, as separate/distinct from their parents, which may include pursuing different interests, values, beliefs and modifying their style or appearance.  Although this may sound paradoxical, it is also a time when you see a degree of uniformity amongst peers in the same social groups, often as a sign of belonging (i.e. to a particular subculture). 

Conflict between parents and their children often emerges when adolescents start to challenge their parents’ rules and beliefs.  Instead of viewing this challenging as deliberate rebellion or a rejection of what the family stands for, try to view this as a sign that your child is learning to become their own person.  Show them respect by discussing their viewpoints with them, in a nonjudgmental, uncritical way, as you would a friend.  Listen more.  As parents, it’s too easy to launch in to lecture-mode when your child challenges you, which will often just make them switch off.  When they talk to you, give them your undivided attention and refrain from disrespectful verbal/non-verbal behaviours (like calling them an idiot or rolling your eyes).  Researchers recommend a “you, me, us” approach to dealing with issues – you give your perspective, I give my perspective, we figure out how we can best tackle this issue.  Acknowledge when you are wrong and role model apologising when you’ve made a mistake – this may require great humility but it will teach your child about taking responsibility for their actions and will work wonders towards building a mutually respectful relationship. 

Remember that as the parent, you are still the bigger, stronger, wiser one in the relationship, and this means that it is still your role to make unpopular decisions at times. Try to pick your battles and as hard as it is, don’t sweat the small stuff though.  As a general guide, safety issues are worth arguing over (i.e. not getting in to a car with someone who has been drinking) whereas other things, like a messy room, might be best ignored.  Talk to your child about important safety issues (like substance use, online behaviour, consent in relationships) NOT when you are amidst a fight and encourage them to come to you if they have any concerns or questions about these matters.  If your child approaches you about an issue, instead of telling them what they should do (and launching in to the lecture-mode I was referring to earlier), empathise with them and actively help them to problem solve (i.e. “that must be really hard for you feeling as though you don’t have any friends.  What do you think you could do differently to help you to make some friends?”).  Encouraging young people to problem solve their own issues with your support will help them to become better decision-makers.

Make time to spend with young people.  So much communication takes place online these days which is often at the expense of face to face communication.  Our lives are busy and once our children are no longer of the age that they want to play with us, we can sometimes neglect to make time for them.  Adolescents’ lives are also very busy with study commitments, extra-curricular activities, friends etc.  Offer to transport them places and talk to them in the car.  Show an interest in their interests – e.g. what TV shows they are watching, what music they are listening to, what games they are playing, what clothing they like, show up to their sporting games or practice.  Try to sit down together for meals most days.  Have a laugh together and make time for mutually enjoyable leisure activities together as shared positive experiences help to build closeness.     

Remember that your job as a parent is to support your child to grow up in to an independent adult.  It is inevitable that they will make mistakes (and so will you) but hopefully these will be important learning curves.  By all means, let your child know when they have done something wrong but there’s no need to remind them about it constantly – chances are, they are very much aware of what they have done wrong already.  Make the important distinction between a child’s behaviour and their worth as a person very clear (i.e. tell them if you do not approve of something they are doing but that this does not mean you think less of who they are as a person).  Forgive their mistakes and show them that you are there for them and will love them, no matter how challenging their behaviour is.  Celebrate their achievements and pay attention to their positive attributes, not just their faults.  Feeling loved, special, and included is vital for young people’s self-esteem and will ultimately provide a secure foundation from which they can navigate their worlds.

If you are concerned about changes in your child or adolescent’s behaviour, that you think may be beyond the realms of the behaviour changes that take place as part of child or adolescent development, then they may benefit from counselling support.  Referrals can be made to the student counselling service by completing the counselling referral form on the SEQTA home page and emailing it to: counselling@bps.sa.edu.au

Dr Lucinda Clifford

Psychologist