WELLBEING

Instead of “Stop Crying”

Big emotions from our children can be a real challenge. Particularly when they are loud. Particularly when we are busy. Particularly when we are in public.

Sometimes amid our frustration we can be quick to respond with phrases such as “Stop crying!” or “Don’t cry!” While we generally don’t mean any malice, these phrases aren’t particularly helpful in dealing with the emotions causing the crying. Big emotions can be tricky for all of us to deal with at times, but for children whose brains are still developing and learning how to process and respond to emotions they need extra support. Demanding they stop crying can make children feel like their feelings are invalid and become uncomfortable expressing the harder emotions.

I ask you to stop for just a moment and reflect on a time where you were upset. Imagine someone told you to stop crying, stop feeling that way, don’t cry. How would it really make you feel? 

We all react to situations differently, and the way we respond to our children’s reactions is fundamental to nurturing how they express their feelings.

Some suggestions of phrases we can use that will be more useful to your child:

1. Tell me what’s upsetting you/making you mad/make you sad? I’m listening.

Firstly, you are acknowledging their feelings. Secondly, you are letting them know that it’s ok to talk about them. Having someone to confide in is important for all human beings.

1. I know this is hard for you. What can I do to help?

Recognising their difficulties is really reassuring. You may not completely understand what they are feeling but approaching the situation with empathy validates their feelings. 

1. If you would like, I can help you work these feelings out.

Having someone to help problem solve is vital to children’s growth. They learn that problems can be solved, and you are modelling how to do so. In time they will learn to do this more independently. 

1. It’s ok to be sad and frustrated (and in instances where they have acted out, we can add - but it’s not ok to hit/throw/swear)

We don’t have to be happy ALL the time. Life is full of challenges, its normal to experience a range of emotions. We all feel differently. Just because someone isn’t bothered by a certain situation, doesn’t mean someone else should not be. This is another opportunity to reinforce that all feelings are ok, however not all behaviours are.

1. I’m here if you need me.

Some children prefer some space to process before dealing with things. Letting them know you are there when they are ready is a comfort. 

1. Tell me what happened?

Bottling up emotions is not healthy for anyone. Simple giving them the opportunity to talk things through can have a calming effect.

Having some empathy for their feelings and showing that they are understood can make a real difference to their frustration levels, help them deal with things in the future and build connection between yourself and the child.

Nicki Chalmers

Mental Health and Wellbeing Coordinator.

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