Chaplain's Chat

Hi everyone,

This week I noticed I had a few chats with kids in the yard, regarding being disappointed when playing games or when being with friends. When a child feels disappointed, it is often because of unmet expectations and it can lead to feelings of anger, sadness, frustration and withdrawal. If children aren’t taught how to deal with disappointment when they are young they can develop feelings of failure and inadequacy as a teen and even an adult.

There are many things in life children can be disappointed about, and it is impossible to shield them from it all, but as parents you can prepare them and give them the life skills to cope with it. If you teach your child to deal with disappointment, it can provide a foundation to effectively deal with life’s surprises for the rest of their lives.  Ways to teach disappointment include:

• Help your children set reasonable expectations: As parents, you can help them understand what is possible and what can’t be changed. For example, it is not possible to do something now, but it may be possible again in the future.
• Allow them to experience disappointment: While you might be trying to help them, it isn’t always best for your child to be shielded from disappointments. When a child feels disappointed, the best thing to do is to explain that disappointment is natural when things don’t go as expected and then empathise with their feelings of frustration, anger and sadness.
• Teach self-calming techniques: Some techniques include physical techniques (running, dancing, breathing, hugs), Verbal (positive self-talk, music), Visual (reading, being outside), creative (drawing a picture, making something) and humour (read funny books, watch a funny video, find humour in the situation).
• Help them find something they are good at: One of the most common disappointments involve feeling like you are not good enough. Failure can serve as a motivation to practice harder or study longer but it can also be a sign to find another path. Disappointment can be an opportunity for you to find something that will build confidence for your child.

It can be very difficult to deal with a disappointed child, they can act inconsolable and have difficulty listening to anything else or deciding something else to do. The best responses when dealing with a disappointment child include

• “It’s ok to feel disappointed, I would be upset too” instead of commenting on their behaviour (e.g. stop acting like a baby) it’s better to relate to your child and explain it is normal to feel upset but it is not good to act that way.
• “Do you have any ideas for what we can do instead?” If you ask the right questions, your child can come up with their own solution to make a bad situation better. When you immediately suggest alternatives, it can sometimes stop a child from learning to decide for themselves.
• “I know this is hard for you” Instead of dismissing your child’s reaction and telling them, “it’s not a big deal” or “calm down” show that you know that these things matter to them and you understand their disappointment.

 Angel