Chaplain's Corner
Louise Lathbury
Communication and cooperation.
As parents, we have all experienced times when our children have chosen not to cooperate with us. In a recent article in his Parenting Blog, Michael Grose lists some words that ‘invite resistance from children and young people who do not like to be told what to do’. These words are MUST, NEVER, ALWAYS, YOU, and DON’T. He suggests replacing these words with others that do not give an ultimatum, and telling your child what you will be doing (‘I will serve dinner once the table is set’) rather than telling them what to do (‘Set the table now please’).
(https://www.parentingideas.com.au/blog/resistance-words-to-avoid-when-talking-to-kids/).
Effective communication makes everyone feel happier and more connected. In addition, when we communicate effectively, it is easier to resolve conflicts and to have conversations about difficult topics. These are some tips from REACHOUT.com to help you have positive and constructive conversations with your child:
- Be genuinely interested and curious about what your child is telling you.
- Give them your undivided attention.
- Show empathy – put yourself in your child’s shoes.
- Avoid just giving them instructions or unsolicited advice.
- Choose a quiet space without distractions for important conversations.
Sometimes situations may arise in which the best course of action for parents may be to negotiate, rather than dictate. I came across an interesting article by Vince Hurley, an Associate Lecturer in the Department of Security Studies and Criminology at Macquarie University. His tips for working with older children who break rules and display attitude include:
- Speak in a calm and controlled tone, and as a negotiator, not a friend.
- Let them vent, and acknowledge that you have heard their concerns. Be assertive and walk away if they become rude while having their say.
- Don’t be in a hurry to resolve the situation in one sitting.
- Don’t let anyone else butt in.
- Use the 5WH (what, why, when, where, how) as a conversation framework.
- Don’t make assumptions- listen to their story first without passing judgement.
- Give notice, rather than make demands requiring instant action.
- Use humour to defuse the situation.
- Never lie and never break a promise.