Wellbeing
Should parents get involved in their kid’s friendships?
All parents want to protect their children from the challenges that life throws at them. And navigating the complicated and highly emotional world of friendship-forming is no different. But like most ongoing processes of life and growing up, there’s only so much you can do to support their journey, and getting too involved can often do more harm than good.
‘Parents need to view these situations as opportunities to teach their child valuable life lessons‘.
Controlling your children’s friendships while they are young won’t help them to nurture positive relationships in the future. Managing your child’s problems undermines the opportunity for them to learn how to problem solve their own issues. We need to empower them to take the required action rather than act on their behalf.
So like most aspects of parenting, the best thing you can do is to help teach them life skills that they can work with and continue developing on their own.
In saying that, here are some dos and dont’s for getting involved in your kid’s friendships.
1. Redefine ‘friendship troubles’ as opportunities to learn.
Good social skills are largely learnt for most people, and get better with practice. Most people will experience some tumultuous social situations in their lives, whether it’s with friends, partners or work colleagues. Learning how to deal with these situations early on is a skill that will benefit your kids throughout the rest of their lives.
Reframing difficult encounters as an opportunity to develop these skills will help to prepare your kids for what social life will throw at them, while also strengthening their resilience and empathy.
2. Listen and empathise.
Engage with them about what has happened and how they’re feeling, without judgement, when they’re encountering problems with friends. Kids want to feel validated and understood – just like adults do – and taking the time out to speak with them about their concerns and emotions will help them to feel that way.
Asking direct, specific questions: ‘often children have a hard time articulating what’s going on, they just “feel bad”. Help them put a voice to it by digging deeper.’
This process of identifying our emotions is a focus of our psychology sessions; recognising our emotions helps us to understand them and to deal with them productively. Also be sure not to downplay the significance of the things that are upsetting them; what may seem insignificant to an adult can be heart-breaking for a child.
Minimising their experience or reassuring them won’t help them to process their experience in a positive way.
3. Encourage them to stand up for themselves.
Telling kids to ‘walk away’ or ‘ignore’ the person they’re having problems with is too passive and minimising. Instead, encourage your kids to confront their problems, and not to accept bad behaviour.
Asking your kids what they would do differently if the situation happened again, and role-playing different scenarios to build up their confidence.
4. Teach kids the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
This is something that many people don’t fully comprehend until well into adulthood, but learning early-on sets positive boundaries for future relationships. Mutual respect and trust are ‘must haves’ in healthy relationships.
Your children should understand that a good friend will make them feel good about themselves; if one of their friends doesn’t, they should minimise the amount of time they spend with them.
5. Avoid the term ‘bully’.
Replace it with the term ‘mean on-purpose’. This is because ‘bully’ is somewhat of a buzzword that is often misused and leads to unfair mislabelling of other kids. ‘Mean on-purpose’, in contrast, is a more transparent term that kids can easily understand.
You can teach your kids how to respond to ‘mean on-purpose’ behaviour with a quick comeback, such as ‘not cool’ or simply ‘that was really mean’.
This is a way for them to stand up for themselves, and confront the bad behaviour. If this fails to resolve the mean behaviour, that’s when an adult should get involved.
6. As always, lead by example.
It comes up time and time again, because it’s a golden truth: children are sponges, and their parents are the most influential figures in their lives. If they see you acting aggressively, they are likely to mirror your behaviour in other situations.
Remember that they are always watching, so behave in front of them as you would want them to behave when you’re not around!
7. Tell stories from your own experiences.
Remind your kids that you were once their age, and that you went through the same experiences. This will be comforting and reassure them that their troubles are not insurmountable, while helping to strengthen your relationship and bond.
Referrals
Students can continue to access Wellbeing support from our qualified practitioners. Referrals can be made through emailing the relevant Student Manager.
Wellbeing services, resources & support
Local Youth & Family Mental Health Services
Kingston Youth & Family Services - kingstonyouth.org.au
Southland Shopping Centre, Cheltenham: 1300 369 436
Information, programs, events, counselling and support for young people aged from 12 to 25 years and their families in the City of Kingston.
Family Life -www.familylife.com.au
Sandringham: 8599 5433 Cheltenham: 8599 5433 Frankston: 9770 0341
Mental Health project for young people 8-14 years of age and their families offering counselling, support, information and education.
headspace Southern - www.headspace.org.au
Bentleigh: 9076 9400 Frankston: 9769 6419
Early intervention service offering mental health, alcohol and other drugs and other specialist support to young people aged from 12 to 25 years.
Financial Support & Assistance
National Debt Helpline: 1800 007 007
Open Monday-Friday, 9:30am-4:30pm
moneysmart.gov.au =Free tools, tips, guidance and resource
National Helplines
Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 or kidshelpline.com.au
Free, confidential counselling service available any time of the day or night by phone or webchat.
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or beyondblue.org.au
Call or chat online with a trained mental health professional any time of the day or night.
Headspace 1800 650 890 or headspace.org.au
Online and telephone support service that helps young people who don’t feel ready to attend a headspace centre or who prefer to talk about their problems via online chat, email or on the phone.
Parentline: 132289
Lifeline 13 11 14 or lifeline.org.au
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 or suicidecallbackservice.org.au
Online Youth Support Forums & websites
Beyond Blue forums are a supportive place to connect with people who are going through similar experiences to you. You can read other people’s stories, ask for advice or share your own experience. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/ 1300 22 4636
ReachOut Forums is a supportive, safe and anonymous space where people care about what's happening for you, because they've been there too. The website offers information and other resources designed specifically for young people. https://au.reachout.com/
Kids Helpline has information and services to support young people through any problems – big or small. https://kidshelpline.com.au/
Headspace has information and services to support a young person going through a tough time. https://headspace.org.au/
ESafety provides education and resources for Australians to encourage safer, more positive experiences online. https://www.esafety.gov.au/
Online Programs and Apps
Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) is a free online parenting program, but it doesn't tell you how to be a parent. It's more like a toolbox of ideas. You choose the strategies you need. You choose the way you want to use them. It's all about making Triple P work for you. https://www.triplep-parenting.net.au/vic-uken/triple-p/
Bite Back is a free, self-guided online wellbeing and resilience program for young people aged 13–16 years old. It uses a combination of fun, interactive activities, quizzes, animations and information across nine positive psychology domains including gratitude, optimism, flow, meaning, hope, mindfulness, character strengths, healthy lifestyle, and positive relationships.
Brave Program is an interactive, online program for the prevention and treatment of childhood and adolescent anxiety. The programs are free, and provide ways for children and teenagers to better cope with their worries.
MoodGym is free, fun, interactive program helps you identify and overcome problem emotions and shows you how to develop good coping skills for the future.
Student Wellbeing team