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Why parents should feel good about saying ‘No’ to their children
Of course there’s the “You can’t run on the road!” type of “no”. Then there are all the others. No need for the thinking that leads to the guilt trip:
- Am I crushing my child’s spirit, creativity, sense of adventure?
- Will she resent me when she’s older?
- Am I just being selfish/lazy/inattentive?
According to director of Wellbeing for Kids, Georgina Manning, “If you hear yourself saying ‘no’ a lot then you can remind yourself that you’re doing a great job,” Manning is a registered counsellor and psychotherapist.
Rather than feeling bad about saying “no” to our kids, here’s five reasons why we should feel good about it:
1. Kids need to feel discomfort
Minimising or removing their discomfort can set them up for failure later on. “Avoidance grows anxiety because it teaches them that the thing that they are anxious about is so bad that the person who is in charge of their life thinks they can’t possibly manage it.” advises Manning.
TIP: Acknowledge your child’s feelings “It’s not easy to stop when you are in the middle of …..”
2. Kids need to learn to wait
Too often we see parents provide a constant stream of positive on-demand experiences instead of making children wait for treats, such as making them do their home responsibilities before they play or saving up for a toy or a holiday.
“Life is full of waiting and life is hard,” says Manning. “We have to work to get what we want, whether that’s a thing or success; we can’t just instantly get it and we need to teach our children that really important lesson.”
If we give our children exactly what they want when they want it, we also risk raising self-centred, entitled and, at the extreme, narcissistic children.
TIP: Give information. “This will take me 5 minutes, then I can help you.” (be realistic)
“Can you set the timer for 5 minutes?”
3. Boundaries make kids feel secure
Constant negotiation can make children feel insecure because they never know where they stand or what outcome they are going to get. This can induce anxiety and make kids lose trust in their parents.
“Children always push for boundaries, they are pushing for those ‘nos’ and it’s our job to give it to them,” says Manning. “A ‘no’ might not be immediately what the child wants but overall it can be comforting for them because they know that there are limits and they feel cared for and safe.”
Saying “no” doesn’t need to be a shouting match or followed with lengthy discussions or justifications, Manning says.
TIP: “A positive way to say no is: ‘In our house we….(only have half an hour of iPad a night). End of discussion. Walk out of the room.’ It lasts a few seconds, not an hour.”
4. Kids need to know their parents are in charge
“Hierarchy has really gone out of fashion in parenting. But psychologically, it’s really important for kids to know that the person looking after them is in control,” says Manning.
“I see parents pleading with their child. ‘Please do this’ or ‘Please don’t hit that child’. This puts the child in charge.”
TIP: Give a firm directive of what is required. “Dirty clothes on the floor. Laundry basket, thank you.”
5. Kids need parents to be parents and not friends
Manning says that she sees parents tolerating disrespect from their children because they are worried about losing their kids’ friendship.
“One of the reasons parents don’t say ‘no’ is that they see their role as a friend and friends don’t say ‘no’,” Manning says. “If you see yourself as your child’s friend rather than their parent, then it’s very difficult to put those boundaries in place.”
But the good news is that there is no evidence to suggest that loving but firm parenting breaks the parent-child bond. In fact, in might just be the foundation for a healthier and more respectful relationship with your children when they reach adulthood.
Georgina Manning interviewed for the Sydney Morning Herald.
Written by Kasey Edwards (writer and best-selling author)
For the full article and more great parenting tips from St Joseph’s schooltv site:
https://stjosephstamworth.catholic.schooltv.me/newsletter-article/7233/62
