Happy Families
Parenting Website
Happy Families
Parenting Website
“The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they bloom like flowers.” ―Thich Nhat Hanh
Most of us have had the experience of talking to someone who is listening, but not really listening—listening, but not deeply listening.
Deep listening is a sense of presence, inner stillness, openness, and mindful attention to what the other communicates in their body, speech, and silence. In parenting, deep listening helps us identify and respond sensitively to children’s needs.
Decades of evidence shows that attuned, sensitive, and emotionally available caregiving promotes children’s healthy development, secure attachment, and mental health. The founders of the Circle of Security program convey the feeling of listening deeply to one’s child in a simple phrase: “I am here, and you are worth it.” This is a powerful reminder to us as parents that our presence and attention can be instrumental in cultivating our child’s sense of self-worth and mental health. We have only to recall the last time that we felt truly listened to in order to conjure that same sense of worthiness—Wow, my voice matters; I am someone worth listening to.
Unfortunately, deep listening doesn’t come naturally to all of us. It may even seem counter-intuitive in our culture of quick fixes and endless scrolling for fast advice.
Learning to Listen Deeply
So how do we practice the art of deep listening? Just as weight training helps us build and strengthen the muscles of our body, practicing deep listening builds and strengthens our capacity to listen. Every day we are presented with opportunities to practice being truly present with our families and connecting to their experience in a more powerful way. Here are some tips for building your deep listening “muscle”:
Be gentle with yourself. Many people didn’t experience deep listening in their childhood and enter adulthood with a limited capacity for listening to and being with others’ emotions. We tend to fall back on the communication styles and habits that we experienced in our family of origin, even if these are unhelpful in our adult relationships. Notice when these old tendencies are present and appreciate that it takes time to learn to communicate differently. Thankfully, deep listening does not require perfection; it requires awareness—and a willingness to practice coming back to those we love again and again.
Author: Rachel Samson