From the Memory Box 

Issue No 13

From whom should we take advice? I was asked that question some little time ago by a dear friend. Little did I know that my friend was setting me a trap, an elegant one at that. I rattled off a list of the qualities I would need to ascertain in people in order to trust their advice. 

“Do people take your advice?” my friend enquired. That threw me. 

“I think they often do,” I replied somewhat guardedly. I had no idea where this conversation was going, but it certainly had me wondering. “Why do you ask?” I continued. My friend smiled, ignoring my question.

“Do you always take your own advice that you freely give to others?” he enquired. I didn’t need to reply, my expression said it all. Shortly thereafter our conversation wandered off into other fields. My mind stayed put.

There is substantial research on this common phenomenon – being better at considering other people’s problems wisely, but failing to do so for ourselves. Theories and explanations abound - ranging from difficulties we have with perspective, rationalising our behaviour and suffering from self-doubt to mention but several. I found that somewhat comforting – I could indulge myself in a smorgasbord of reasons for my contradictory behaviour, all of which could provide clues as to further self-improvement; disturbingly though, all of which I suspected that at some time I had invoked. 

For his part, Dan Ariely, behavioural economist, best-selling author and advice columnist for The Wall Street Journal, believes it is all about perspective. When we are entrenched in our own problems, he argues, our judgements become clouded by our emotional attachment to the situation. We become distracted by our own thoughts and feelings about our issue, all of which stop us from looking at it rationally. On the contrary, when we help someone else through their problems, we have less emotional investment than they do.

Hal Hersfield, a psychologist at the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) explains this paradox in our behaviour as a consequence of what psychologists refer to as fundamental attribution error, the idea that people explain their own actions by the circumstances, but judge others’ behaviour as signals of their character flaws. So, if we trip on the pavement, it must have been uneven, but if others trip, they must be clumsy!

The biblical King Solomon, known for his keen intellect and unparalleled wisdom in guiding others, failed to apply wisdom in his own life, which ultimately led to the demise of his kingdom – this often being referred to as Solomon’s Paradox in discussions related to this issue.

Of course, the whole matter of giving advice to others can be a very fraught business. Do we really know enough about their circumstances? Do our own biases colour the advice we give? Michael Bungay Stanier, renowned executive coach and author has written about this in his recent book, The Advice Trap. In his view giving advice is about certainty and control. It also has high value in terms of status and tends to make us feel good about ourselves, but does it really offer optimum benefit? Given we often tend not to take our own advice it may be a moot point. For their part, the research jury is well and truly out.

Safer perhaps to help people find answers and solutions themselves – coaching techniques spring to mind. So where does that leave those amongst us, merrily and with best intent giving advice, good, bad or indifferent to others, but not taking it ourselves?