Happy Families

What if the Tantrum Isn’t the Problem?

Written by Dr Justin Coulson

Your three-year-old refuses to get dressed. Again. Your toddler throws food across the kitchen. Your preschooler melts down at bedtime. And you hear yourself saying the same things over and over: “Stop that.” “Don’t touch.” “Hurry up.”

When parenting feels like an endless stream of corrections, something’s off. The more we correct, the less our children feel connected. And connection – feeling seen, heard, valued, and accepted – is the foundation of healthy behaviour, learning, and family harmony. 

Why Kids Act Out

Young children don’t “misbehave” to make life difficult. They act out because:

• They’re overwhelmed by big feelings they can’t yet manage

• They have unmet needs—for comfort, rest, attention, food, or play

• They’re still learning how to express themselves and feel safe

Correcting a child in these moments may stop the behaviour temporarily, but it rarely addresses what’s actually happening underneath.

What Children Really Need

Decades of psychological research show that children thrive when three basic needs are met:

1. Connection (relatedness): Kids need to feel seen, heard, and valued.

2. Competence (mastery): Kids need to feel capable—even at little things like pouring their own milk.

3. Choice (autonomy): Kids need a voice in their world. Too much control from adults leaves them powerless and resistant.

When our parenting becomes all about correction—telling them what they’ve done wrong, directing their every move—children feel unheard, incapable, and powerless. They push back harder or shut down completely. What they want is connection: feeling seen, heard, and valued.

Shifting From Correction to Connection

Instead of defaulting to “Stop that” or “Do it now,” try:

Get curious, not furious

• Ask yourself: What’s my child’s need right now? (Are they hungry? Tired? Lonely?)

• Behaviour is communication. Decode the message before correcting the behaviour.

Slow down

• Rushing through routines invites meltdowns

• Build in a few extra minutes for connection, not just compliance

Create moments of joy

• Read together, kick a ball, go for a short walk

• Love is spelled T-I-M-E to a child

These aren’t permissive strategies. They’re connection strategies. When children feel connected, capable, and heard, cooperation follows naturally. Involvement and voice matter so much.

Lifestyle Basics Matter Too

Sometimes, difficult behaviour is amplified by simple lifestyle factors. For preschoolers especially, check:

• Sleep: Is your child getting enough rest for their age? Tired kids struggle to regulate.

• Movement: Have they had chances to run, climb, and play outside today? Bodies need to move.

• Food: Are they eating mostly whole, nourishing foods? Blood sugar crashes fuel meltdowns.

• Screens: Too much screen time makes regulation and sleep harder. Keep devices away as long as possible.

   

Research consistently shows that sleep deprivation, lack of physical activity, poor nutrition, and excessive screen exposure compound behavioural challenges in young children. Address the basics first.

The Bottom Line

Every child will have moments of defiance and distress. That’s normal. But when correction becomes the main way we interact, children feel disconnected – and things get worse! By slowing down and prioritising connection, we not only calm the chaos in the moment—we give our children the deep sense of safety and belonging they need to thrive.

Connection doesn’t mean permissiveness. It means seeing the child behind the behaviour and responding to their needs, not just their actions.

Try this today: Spend 10 minutes doing something your child loves without correcting them once. Just enjoy being together. Notice what shifts.