Wellbeing - Parents

How to Talk to Your Teen and how to handle conflict:

Talking to your teen can sometimes feel like navigating a ship in the Bermuda Triangle, lost and somewhat afraid of going in the wrong direction and never making it back to your previous reality. However, it's definitely possible to build a strong and open relationship with your teen. Contrary to what TV wants us to believe, talking to teenagers is actually not that different from talking to your partner. How you talk with your young person will depend on their age and understanding, but the language you use should still feel natural to you. Here are some key tips that the wellbeing team use to connect with your teen:

1. Use open-ended questions: Encourage conversation by asking questions that require more than just a yes/no answer. This can help them open up and share more about their thoughts and feelings. Instead of asking “how was school?”, which easily can result in a response of “yeah, good”, ask them “what did you and your friends get up to today” or “what are you and your friends planning for the weekend?”.
2. Show genuine interest: Engage in conversations about their hobbies and interests without turning them into lessons. Ask questions and learn more about these hobbies so you have more topics to talk about but try not to come across as you knowing more. Teens shut down pretty quickly if they think you’re now a teacher. If you want to tell them what you know, make it a “did you know…” or “someone told me once…” sentence.
3. Be available: One of the biggest barriers for parents/guardians effective connection with teens is a lack of time. Busy schedules can limit opportunities for meaningful conversations.  Make time for your teen, show up to award nights/sporting events/school musicals. Set aside regular, uninterrupted time to spend with your teen during the week or on the weekends. This shows them that they are a priority and creates opportunities for conversations.
4. Active listening and set aside judgement: Show that you're listening by nodding, making eye contact, and responding as required. Avoid interrupting or immediately offering solutions. Often teens just need to let it out and don’t want a solution straight away; they want to be heard and understood. The same goes for criticism, your teen knows they’ve messed up, acknowledge this and then support them in making things right. This creates a non-judgmental space where your teen feels safe to express themselves without fear of criticism. Furthermore, try to understand things from their perspective and give them the space they need to respect their privacy. This shows that you trust them and respect their independence.
5. Be open and honest: Share your thoughts and feelings honestly. This can help build trust and show that it's okay to be open. However, be mindful about inadvertently invalidating their opinions and experiences. Acknowledge their feelings and validate their experiences, even if you don't agree with them. Teens pick up more than we give them credit for! In a conversation where someone respectfully shares an opposing view, young people will take on board what is being said and compare it to their own views. Teenage brains are still developing, and teens are finding their own identity. Open and honest conversations about topics and interests allow them to develop a greater sense of self that they can challenge when faced with internal conflict.
6. Stay positive: Focus on positive reinforcement and encouragement. Highlight their strengths and achievements rather than just pointing out mistakes. A study by social psychologist Roy F. Baumeister found that it often takes six positive experiences to make up for the impact of a single negative one. Lighten the mood with humour when appropriate as well. It can help ease tension and make conversations more enjoyable.

How can I handle conflict with my teen?

Handling conflict with your teen can be challenging, but it's an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship. Here are some strategies to help you navigate conflicts:

1. Stay calm: Keep your emotions in check and approach the situation with a calm demeanour. This helps prevent the conflict from escalating.
2. Listen actively: Give your teen a chance to express their feelings and perspectives without interrupting. Show that you value their input by listening attentively.
3. Acknowledge their feelings: Validate their emotions, even if you don't agree with their viewpoint. This can help them feel understood and respected.
4. Choose your battles: Focus on the most important issues and let go of minor disagreements. This helps prevent additional unnecessary conflicts.
5. Use "I" statements: Communicate your feelings and concerns using "I" statements, for example, "I feel worried when..." to avoid sounding accusatory or judgemental.
6. Find common ground: Look for areas of agreement and build on them. This can help create a sense of collaboration rather than opposition.
7. Set clear boundaries: Establish and communicate clear boundaries and expectations. Consistency helps reduce future misunderstandings and conflicts.
8. Take a break if needed: If emotions are running high, suggest taking a break and revisiting the conversation later. This can give both of you time to cool down and think more clearly when you re-address the topic later.
9. Problem-solve together: Involve your teen in finding solutions to the conflict. This empowers them and shows that you value their input.

10. Apologise when necessary: If you've made a mistake, be willing to apologise. Apologising does not mean weakness, it sets a positive example and helps rebuild trust.

     

Remember, conflicts are a natural part of any relationship. The key is to handle them constructively and use them as opportunities to strengthen your bond with your teen. By implementing these strategies, you can create a more open and respectful dialogue with your teen. The goal is to create an open and supportive environment where your teen feels comfortable discussing difficult topics, feels heard and understood, and not cornered or judged. Remember, building strong communication takes time and patience, so keep the lines of communication open and let your teen know you're always there to support them, no matter what.

If your teen consistently shuts down or you're concerned about their behaviour, consider seeking help from a counsellor or therapist. Contact your teen's Year Level Coordinator with any concerns. You can also contact Wellbeing directly for advice and support.

Parent Support Services

We understand that supporting a young person with mental health concerns can be hard. If you are thinking of engaging some extra support for yourself, or are interested in some information to help with concerns as they arise, please take a look at the document attached which you can use to talk things through. You don’t have to do it on your own!

The Wellbeing Team

Lauren, Steph, Livia, Jess and Ange