Wellbeing
Kids & Help-Seeking
Parent: “How was school today?”
Kid: “Good.”
Parent: “What did you do?”
Kid: “Nothing.”
How many times have you had this conversation with your kids? When it comes to challenging friendships, the reality is kids do not often tell their parents if they’ve had a Friendship Fire or argument with a friend, or they’re dealing with an up-and-down friend, or they’re having trouble making friends.
There are many reasons that children don’t share their feelings or challenges with an adult. Below are some of the more common ones.
Your child is worried you’re going to over-react or react in a negative way.
You might call the other kid’s parents, you might call the school, you might say the wrong things, you might cry, you might say, “I knew that kid was trouble!” By reacting in a negative, or aggressive way, kids can feel like they have done something wrong or are to blame for what ever the problem is.
Your child is embarrassed.
They want you be liked by you and for you to think they are thriving. Your child wants to make you proud! It’s a pretty vulnerable thing to respond to, “How was school today?” with, “Not very good. I feel like I have no friends.” In this situation, your child may feel like they are letting you down or have ‘failed’. They have also seen their classmates having successful friendships and may feel embarrassed that they are struggling in this area.
Your child knows it sounds silly or trivial.
Kids are aware that sometimes the things they’re upset or annoyed about aren’t a big deal, but they can’t seem to solve it. When they think about telling an adult, they think parents and teachers won’t get it and will respond with, “Just ignore them! It’s not that big of a deal! Why do you care? Play with someone else then!” These sentiments are not helpful and diminish a child’s feelings. What seems like a small issue to an adult can often be a huge deal to a child.
Your child is so tuned into you.
They know if you’re stressed or have a lot on your plate and they don’t want to add to your pile by unloading their friendship drama on you. They also know it will upset you – so they protect you from that.
Your child is worried there will be consequences.
If the friendship issue happened online, they’re worried you’re going to make them delete the app or take their device away. If they are having issues with a friend, you may not allow them to invite that friend to their party.
So, what can you do to encourage your child to open up and share freely with you?
First, think of yourself as a Friendship Coach. Coaches don’t go out there and play the game for their players. Instead, they give them advice and send them to play. Then, they stand back on the sidelines and watch. When they call their team in, they point out what they saw and give the players some tips and guidance. It should work that way with parents too, coaching your children through their friendships. Avoid jumping in to solve the problem. Instead, ask: “What can you do to make this situation better?” Empower your child by validating their concerns and encouraging their efforts to try different problem-solving strategies.
Second, empathise with them. Sometimes all your child needs to hear is, “That sounds really hard. Would you like a hug?” Sit with them in the discomfort, remind them their feelings are normal and valid, and show them you’re there. This is just as relevant for young kids as it is pre-teens and teens. As our children get older, we sometimes forget that they still need just as much love and guidance as they did when they were little, it just looks a little different now!
Lastly, share picture story books, tv episodes or short videos with your child that could have useful advice. Sometimes kids need a connection through another platform before they are willing to open up. They may not even completely understand how they are feeling and by seeing it through a third party, this might just give them the language or the questions that they need to open up.
When it comes to navigating tricky friendship scenarios, our children are relying on us to be level-headed, compassionate, show perspective and be a sounding board of ideas. When challenges come up, we need to rely on our deep level of trust and connectedness to guide our children to making good choices. They will not always, and that’s when we need to be there for them without guilt, shame or depreciation of their feelings.
As always, please feel free to reach out for more information about anything related to Friendology, Respectful Relationships, student wellbeing or individual concerns you may have. I am contactable via compass, through the office or via email – louise.jarvis@education.vic.gov.au
Have a lovely weekend,
Louise Jarvis
Wellbeing Specialist Teacher