Life Hacks:

Let Kids Get Bored. It’s Good for Them.

nytimes.com/2023/06/19/well/family/kids-summer-boredom.html

Catherine Pearson June 19, 2023

I have a few particularly vivid memories of my childhood summers: the smell of the grill, the rattle of the cicadas — and the feeling of being bored out of my mind.

While I had a relatively regimented schedule and spent long stretches of every summer at camp, there were weeks when my parents, who worked, hadn’t filled my schedule with much of anything. They didn’t care whether I felt sufficiently engaged or amused.

A study cited in a 2018 New York Times article that lamented the relentlessness of modern parenting found that regardless of education, income or race, parents believed bored children should be enrolled in extracurricular activities. As Erin Westgate, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Florida, explained it to me, there is a kind of cultural stigma attached to boredom, particularly in the United States.

Only boring people get bored, the saying goes.

But the reality is that boredom is “normal, natural and healthy,” said Dr Westgate, whose research focuses on what boredom is, why people experience it, and what happens when they do. Dr Westgate believes that boredom can offer a valuable learning opportunity in moderate doses, spurring creativity and problem-solving and motivating children to seek out meaningful activities.

“Guarding kids against ever feeling bored is misguided in the same way that guarding kids against ever feeling sad, or ever feeling frustrated, or ever feeling angry is misguided,” she said.

Here’s what you and your children can learn from feelings of boredom.

Boredom is informative.

Boredom is an emotion, said Dr Westgate, who likened it to an indicator light on a car’s dashboard: “Boredom is telling you that what you’re doing right now isn’t working.” Usually, that means your task is too easy or difficult, she said, or that it lacks meaning.

One way parents can help children, particularly younger ones, learn to manage boredom is to work with them on developing what Dr Westgate called greater emotional granularity. For instance, you can help them to distinguish between feeling sad or bored. “Name it to tame it,” a phrase coined by the psychiatrist Dan Siegel, is a technique many child development experts use to help children identify their feelings.

Kids will often say “I’m bored” when they are lonely or want attention, said Katie Hurley, who holds a doctorate in social work and is the author of “The Happy Kid Handbook.” So it can help to ask if they are looking for comfort or companionship.

Also, do what you can to normalize the feeling. “We tend to treat boredom as a sign of distress or a call for help,” Dr Hurley said. “It is uncomfortable, but it’s not necessarily negative.”

Boredom can lead to fulfilment.

Dr Westgate said that boredom offers children an opportunity to experiment with the kinds of pursuits that feel fulfilling and interesting to them.

For example, if you let your kids loose in the backyard, they may feel bored initially, she said. But they can learn to prevent that feeling or resolve it by finding meaningful activities, whether counting bugs, playing with a ball or drawing with sidewalk chalk. If parents don’t allow for free, imaginative play, children may never discover their innate love of nature, sports or art, or even the pleasure they can find in simply relaxing or playing.

“Being able to identify and develop those sources of meaning is a really critical skill to have lifelong,” Dr Westgate said.

‘Boredom busters’ can break the spell.

Parents sometimes fear boredom and the havoc it can wreak around the house, Dr. Hurley said. But free time carves out room for discovery. Dr Hurley recommends looking at your child’s weekly schedule and asking: “Is there something we can take away and just call it ‘quiet downtime’?”

But parents should not expect kids to know what might feel meaningful to them instinctively. Instead, parents should remind their children of things they are interested in or care about, Dr Westgate said.

“It’s the difference between leaving the child in a room with absolutely nothing to do,” she said, versus “bringing them into a room that you know has books and puzzles — things that would be meaningful to your kid — and that would be a good fit for them.” (She also noted that research has shown that people can be more inclined to engage in harmful behaviours without positive outlets.)

Dr Hurley said kids aged five and under need a specific menu of “boredom busters” or questions like: Do you want to play with Legos? Do you want to play with Play-Doh? Do you want to go outside? She said that parents often feel pressure to get down on the floor and play with young children every time they feel bored, but that can keep children from learning how capable they are of stepping into their imaginations.

Dr Hurley said she might say with slightly older children, “Take a walk around the house and come up with three ideas, and get back to me.” Once kids shift from boredom to positive action, “it opens up creativity, problem-solving and all kinds of academic learning skills.”

Dr Westgate noted that phones and devices require little effort, so children and adults often turn to them to soothe boredom.

“With kids, it makes sense that they ask for screens when bored, but that doesn’t mean. Obviously, that is what’s best for them in that situation,” she said.